I don’t watch horror movies anymore. My stomach can’t take it. Before anything even happens I feel a terrible knotting in my stomach and I get so anxious. My heart beats fast and I’m just waiting for something gory to happen. I haven’t watched a scary movie in years because of this– however I was struck with this feeling tonight as I watched the news in disbelief as they announced the not guilty verdict for Zimmerman. With a sinking feeling in my heart I picked up my phone and took to social media.
Just as I suspected things were not good. There was so much racism on my screen coming from all sides. So much hate, even more ignorance and a surprising amount of apathy. Even now as I write this, my heart is beating rapidly and I feel so…unsettled. It’s not our world, is it? We came to this country under terrible circumstances and we’re still fighting just to be known as regular ass people. I think of that boy in those final seconds, maybe his eyes wide and his thoughts a sea of confusion. I sit in this apartment, on this couch completely rattled and uncomfortable. This doesn’t feel like home, this doesn’t feel like the freedom we all know and love. Where can black Americans go where we can establish our culture and be free in it without being stereotyped or judged or hunted down like animals because we are no doubt a menace to society simply because of our skin color and our clothing? I didn’t watch the trial–I don’t watch horror movies anymore. My stomach can’t take it.