I don’t want to be saved. I had a careful list of everything that I wanted and it was given to me…I can’t find happiness in it. Last night I lay with someone and tried to force it to be real. But he likes me so much, he loves my children, takes me out and holds my hand. I’m not happy. I let him go because I don’t feel enough.

I’m positive I don’t want this anymore. My emotions are in a tailspin, I’m not young and having fun– I’m disturbed and confused. Amateur. I no longer crave intimacy, I just want to be left alone with time. My inner little girl is weeping and holding on tightly to the idea of irresponsible and irrational decisions. Life is pulling her out of her comfort zone and she’s exposed; she’s not ready.

Last night I longed for someone and tried to force it to be real. But I think I love him, and I tried so hard, it will all eventually be returned…I’m not happy. I let him go because I feel too much.