I climbed the steep escalator stairs at my metro stop today, instead of lazily leaning against the rail relying on its movement to propel me forward. I desperately wanted to take a break– I felt like I deserved one! But I can’t stop. I can’t break, I can’t stop writing these posts and getting these things off my brain and chest. I can’t stop functioning as a human and allowing my mind to zone out into oblivion.
I stood on the metro tracks today and my thoughts, only very briefly, visited the thought of jumping onto the tracks. I’m no psychiatrist but I’m sure this is regression. I have to wake the fuck up! Fast forwarding into the New Year I know I’m going to lose a lot, friends and habits alike. I’m growing and I’m changing and I realize I have to take more of a solid stand on the things that are most important to me. I can’t stop and I can’t lose focus which is easy to do during this time of year. The last few weeks have been a doozy and I realize that I’m tired of letting the moods and thoughts of others tear me down. And I’m tired of writing about how tired I am of being tired of letting others affect my mood. This shit is boring, I’m bored and complacent and lazy and depressed—something new has to happen. I have to start living life, or I’m just a waste of space.
I was hanging out with my brother and his friends in my pajamas on a Friday night. There was a lull in the conversation and I was asked, “Why are you home? Why aren’t you out on a date or something?” Of course all my blog readers know the answer: dating sucks, men suck so I’m taking a hiatus. Still, that doesn’t quite answer the question as to why I was IN MY PAJAMAS ON A FRIDAY NIGHT! The real answer is: I’m lazy. I’ve been waiting around for dudes to act right, for money to fall into place and for life to get overall awesome. At one point I was trying but I STOPPED, and stopping is a luxury I cannot afford. I’m not allowing myself a hiatus or a break. It is in those moments of pause where I am most susceptible to getting stuck. I can’t stop writing, or thinking, or trying. Like this morning on the escalator, I couldn’t stop moving. I found the energy within myself to propel me forward and once I got my sluggish ass going I couldn’t stop. I need to mimic that in my lifestyle and not allow myself to continue to fall into these emotional ruts.
I cannot fucking stop!
Video from: http://www.youtube.com/user/robTorturewright