Ready for Love/ Love Interruption

While on hiatus from casual sex I kind of accidentally took a break from dating as well. It’s a shame that in today’s society the two are often one and the same; in my world they are not. I have to force myself to date and HAVE to be around the opposite sex because my mojo is the first to go and I slip back into random awkwardness suddenly and memorably. I ran into the “main dude” I ambiguously dated (or whatever you would call it) and found myself nervous while talking to him. Shakiness, sweaty palms—the whole bit. What THE hell?! The same with this pretty young man with gorgeous long hair I met recently at a party—I had trouble being present and I found myself zoning out and/or saying random things.

I am a grown ass woman, like, kill me now! I can’t let this be my life at 29. I have got to grab hold of this and control it—I cannot go around fearing men and my interactions with them. I already have two children, I don’t want to have to invest in cats as well! I go back and forth between sorrow and shame when it comes to the courting process. If a man looks at me a montage of bullshit runs through my mind and immediately do not want to be bothered with the trouble of being approached by someone who is just going to fuck me over in a couple of weeks. I even find myself getting angry sometimes like, “OMG, of all the chicks on this metro train you’re looking at ME? I still have on old make up I haven’t refreshed since 7am this morning!!! Do better for yourself!”

The bottom line is I’m scared shitless waiting for the other shoe to drop. Someone please sweep into my life, wine me, dine me, make me adore you—then shoot me in the face flip me over and stab me in the back. Clearly, I’m ready to fall in love…

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