Dialing It Back Part IV: Purge

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He held my hand and asked me to be his girlfriend. I floated above myself, giddy with excitement and challenging myself to take the leap. I was crazy about him once upon a time but his indifference and neglect of my feelings burned me time and time again. I am now a muted version of myself with him and I don’t know if I’ll ever get back up to 100% with any of them. I’ve been too severely damaged over time.

I still feel the imprint of his hand in mine as I lay here typing this and coming to the realization that this game is much bigger than me. A man will say anything.

It is bold to want from a woman her precious time and body yet neglect to do the small things necessary to create a safe place for her to be free. I resolve to live in complete and utter solitude than to waste any more time with men who feign intimacy but refrain from engaging and learning the parts of me that I hold dear. I purge myself of all of them. Facts are facts because they cannot be unproven or misconstrued. A man that cares makes time, a man that is sincere makes effort. My self-esteem can’t handle bare minimum anymore. Before, I dialed back for them, now I do it for me.

Happy 30th birthday to you, Naomi. You deserve more than what you have settled for. You have laid the foundation for a stronger house this time around. It’s time to build it…

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