After chillin on the nude beaches of Lake Tahoe beach day with the kids was a piece of cake.
A few weeks ago I looked over the shoulder of one of my guy friends watching as he used his phone to lurk on the social media pages of pretty girls. One women was gorgeous in the face but as we scrolled through her Instagram page it became obvious that we weren’t going to find any full shots of her body (obviously much more his concern than mine). “Oh, you know what that means? She’s a plus-sized woman.” He said matter of factly.
Needless to say, this bothered me and thus the idea to exploit myself during my own vacation was born. I knew that I was finally going to visit some friends in a warm climate where I couldn’t avoid the ugly truth of hot weather clothes and bathing suits. On top of this, these friends had less than a year ago won a fitness contest and have nearly perfect bodies so there was a considerable amount of anxiety and body self-consciousness starting to creep up in the back of my mind. How had I gotten myself into this one?
Based on the way I dress and the sometimes outrageous way I carry myself, most people assume that I have confidence leaking out of my pores. The absolute truth– obvious if you read the blog– is that I’m the largest I’ve ever been in my entire life (size 14/16) and definitely not happy about it. Shit, I wasn’t happy when I was at my smallest because compared to all those other compact women with the shapely booties I was still missing the mark and I felt it. It was only recently that I adapted the attitude that it’s important for me to always aspire to reach my weight goals but in the meantime there is nothing wrong with learning to appreciate and present my body for what it is. So in the spirit of my newfound philosophy, she who does not take pictures (my tribal name) decided to stop being so self conscious for once and go out there and live without comparing myself to other women for once. The end result: I had a blast!
Hanging out at the Jurassic 5 show. I danced sooo much and for once wasn't shy or self-conscious about taking pictures
On top of being hyper aware of my body I lost my entire makeup bag and had to deal w wearing the bare minimum. Not gonna lie I felt super exposed without my layers
I received a lot of support posting some of these random pics on social media and I was glad. Aside from the flattering feeling it brings when people “like” your posts and show you their approval–my main reason for doing this is because I never would have in the past. I found vacation pictures from years ago and I flipped through each image lamenting the fact that I looked so fat and ugly. This time around I just wanted to be able to look through my old pictures and remember that I had an awesome time.
The beautiful and peaceful Lake Tahoe
Something about living carefree and even spending time on the nude beaches of Lake Tahoe taught me that life is about enjoying each moment and not being so fixated on the thoughts of others. My body is far from perfect and I find that society is usually receptive to body types that are smaller thus more pleasing to the eyesight but until I get to the size I want to be it certainly doesn’t mean I have to cover up like a nun and be ashamed. I can only hope that one other person sees this and identifies with my common struggle. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I definitely feel that I should be among the people that holds myself in high regard no matter what size I wear and if I’m wearing makeup or not. There are enough people in this world to tear me down over shallow matters– I refuse to join them.
My last night of dancing
Hanging w the gorgeous fitness girls. We had so much fun I was able to forget about my size anxiety and focus on goofing off and enjoying myself
I have officially decided that when you find a man that is content to lay with you and stroke your hair while the only thought that runs through his mind is wondering what you are thinking– you have found something rare.
I no longer judge based on looks and lists. I give to the ones who recognize my pain…
I wouldn’t say that you are under my skin but you reside somewhere just above it—skimming my surfaces and opening my soul like a flower in bloom. I don’t think I want you but I will take you for a while.
When you land here I will feed you. I will touch you and laugh; allow you to bring out intensity in me that I don’t feel the need to hold back. Make me feel free, make me savor that feeling. I will milk it for its worth; bask and enjoy until time to carefully unhook it and let it swim back out to sea…
I know you don’t love me but I feel enough to pretend. I sometimes get carried away but I know you don’t love me and it’s ok. The moist residue on my forehead where you placed your last kiss, dirty sheets and echoed laughter never confuse me. You give me something I need as your darker soul eclipses mine and we come together to meld these things carefully, never letting our hearts enter into the fusion. It’s making love to a mirror staring back at me. The things I love about myself and those I abhor come together in you and I hate you for it, but I understand it connects me to you. You give me something I need but I don’t need you; as you lay here with me my body feeds you…
I don’t drunk text nearly as often as I sad text. I feel low and I punish myself more by reaching out to those who’ve hurt me unaware– reach out in the hope that maybe there’s something they can do to take the residual sting out of it. Just make it go away… I give them too much power.
I have many unanswered texts and one sided conversations on my phone. I’m forever reaching out to silence.
For the first time in centuries (maybe a slight exaggeration) I am sitting on metro commuting to work with absolutely nothing to overthink about…what the hell?
I have a lot to do at work. I can’t complain that I am underworked and over paid anymore because recently I’ve taken on more assignments and lately my co-workers have adapted the habit of recognizing my hard work by writing up nice notes for my personnel file and treating me with food and gift cards. My biggest problem with work life right now is how to complete my deadlines on time and still have time to socialize with my friends at work. First.World.Problems.
I went to the gym last night and am back on a consistent schedule. My mother keeps the kids during the entire week (last night she dropped them off to “visit” me for a few hours–gtfoh!) so I definitely have time to fit working out in my schedule. Gone are the days of lying in bed eating Oreos and wishing I could just have two seconds to myself to do the shit I want to do! Apparently, I’m doing it. Bills aren’t paid but nothing is about to get cut off and I even had a romantic date with a cute guy that 1. Took time out of his busy schedule and 2. Didn’t try to grab at any of my body parts during our time together and 3. MADE DINNER FOR ME! I don’t know whose life I’m living right now but I’m not sure I’m ready for this bullshit. This is my confession: contentment is a snoozefest!
Friend: Hey, girl what’s new with you?
Me: Oh nothing. Just achieving balance in my life and getting the things that I want
Unimpressive and hardly amusing. I spoke to my bff the other day telling her the uneventful details of my awesome and romantic date with a sweet guy that clearly likes me and her response was, “do you think you can handle a nice guy?” Hmm, the fact that I’m freaking out that things are going well tells me….nope! Can I handle a nice guy? Can I handle a nice world—a nice life?! For once, I’m not getting shitted on by crappy circumstances left and right and things are…well—right side up. Is this how people live? Happily and free of drama? Such monotony…