I’ve done all the things you have suggested
I’ve said all you’ve asked me to say
Still it lingers heavy in my presence
This emptiness just won’t go away
This body can no longer mix with others
And this soul hasn’t danced in years
I no longer have a voice that’s meant to sing
In this chaos no one bothers to hear
I crossed a crowded street today
Through beeping cars and throngs of people
The only thing I covered was my heart
I’m sitting on the edge of the bathtub watching my three year old in silence as she screams at the top of her lungs. She’s been having trouble with constipation lately and all I can really do is be a presence coaching her through pain as she looks at me and whines my name over and over.
I don’t want to be here.
For shame, no mother should say or even think these things but it’s true. To hell with this life right now– the loneliness, busyness– all of it. My life as a landfill constantly being filled with piles and piles of junk and it’s filling up so high it’s blotting out light from the sun. It gets this way every year as the school year starts and life moves into overdrive and my brain cells inflate from worry about bills and responsibility and the desire to keep from falling apart. Nights are spent lying awake in agitation, regretfulness and fatigue, ignoring the electronic messages of those who want to lay inside of my body but not my mind. I see through them and it makes me feel all the more alone.
I can break this cycle, I know I’m capable I just kind of don’t want to. Depression gives way to laziness and I can never tell which thing is motivating me at any given moment. I don’t want to have to try.
I’m showering in the dark again.
How my text messages looked before I had a car:
Him: Hey, how are you?
Me: I’m ok…you?
Him: I’m good. Did you get your car fixed yet?
Him: Oh, I thought you were going to get it fixed when you get paid???
Me: I don’t really have the money for all that right now
Him: *radio silence*
And now that I’m driving…
Him: Hey stranger, you driving yet?
Me: Yeah, I ended up just buying something new
Him: Oh yeah? What’d you get?
Him: Come see me
Him: Bring a bottle…
I didn’t realize that not having a car and taking public transportation everywhere made me a scrub. I miss the good old days when a guy would actually pick you up if he wanted to see you. With social media blowing up with male opinions about broke bitches, etc I can’t help but just laugh to myself. I’m still a broke bitch…just on wheels…