So I really hate when people spout bullshit about humans not being made for monogamous relationships.  Of course we are, that’s why God didn’t create Eve, Sarah, Justine and Diane. He only took one rib which means ONE chick for every dude. IT MAKES SENSE!

At least it does to me on some level. As for all the other levels—I might be struggling. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I’ve been a scorned woman and on the seedy underbelly of the cheating and lies of others but now I’m genuinely petrified that ambiguity has become the new path for me. I AM that thirsty dude on your IG page liking all of your selfies even though I’ve got something waiting for me at home. I AM that person with the sheepish look on my face when it’s finally discovered that I am, in fact, a two timing asshole. So here it is…

Marley and Me

Marley is a beautiful creature I met online and the first guy that actually and genuinely had me excited about love, relationships, bullshit, etc in a long time. By beautiful I mean he was maybe 100 pounds dripping wet, had wild unkempt and downright filthy dreaded hair, translucent light brown eyes and a small mouth. But alas, the heart wants what it wants and for whatever reason this was my soul mate and I wanted him desperately. I was crazy about him! He and I spent a whirlwind month together and of course things moved pretty quickly and we became sexually involved way too fast. But I was happy, right?  Well, now then how did I allow space for Jamaal if that was the case?

I’m walking down the street one day and following after me is this golden man—tanned, tattooed skin, and hair and eyes the color of honey whiskey.  He was polite and sincere and…young (I like them young, not gonna lie) and I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time so there was no harm and giving him my number, right? Marley was not my man and how dare he try to tie me down or think he had any kind ownership over me?  I mean, my cause is poetic: I am totally looking for a husband, I think…

We liked Jamaal 🙂 He was beautiful to look at; he stuttered as he talked a mile a minute and he managed to say all the right things. He wanted me to be his girl, and that’s all I ever really wanted. Fuck you if you think I’m basic!  I do want someone to post my picture on their social media #wifey, #wcw—all that. I hate that hip and cool people these days try to talk down to women who desire those things. On one level perhaps I am basic but I am also a complicated and fascinating individual on other levels sooo shut up and proclaim your public love for me on Facebook, dammit!

#WCW

The Juggler

Needless to say, I like to think that I am dating with some sort of end game and not just the power trip of having the attention of so many guys. Once I see that one of these guys is offering something that looks real, that’s it– let The Purge begin!

Marley was the victim of such a purge. As much as I prefer to play victim I can’t really get away with this where he is concerned.  I sent him a goodbye text telling him that I’d found someone that wants to make me his girlfriend and that it made sense to focus on that person (Jamaal). (As it turns out I didn’t HAVE to focus on Jamaal because he ended up flaking on becoming my bf but he was content to occupy boyfriend time in my life which is my pet peeve…) Marley seemed proportionately devastated by the news and I felt sick to my stomach that I had to reject him. To make things worse, he offered up the suggestion to become a side nigga and I judged him for that thinking “Have some respect for yourself!” But really he could probably see that I was making a rash decision allowing myself to be lured by someone spitting basic game OR he just wanted to continue sleeping with me. Who knows, I guess. The bottom line is that I couldn’t juggle!

People keep saying that men do it all the time, why can’t women? And, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket– but can I hold on to my eggs and just dole out like two of them to one guy that I actually like? What is this rule that I have to evenly spread all of my eggs around to every guy with dating potential? I can’t speak for other women but I know for me it’s just too much. Also, I do struggle with greed and abandonment issues so when it is time to cut dudes off and focus my attention on one I am hesitant to do so. Yes, I like this man more than I do the others but as soon as I get rid of the others the front runner is going to do something stupid or outrageous I just KNOW it!

Word Problem: Naomi has 4 apples. She gives 3 to John and 1 to Mark, how many. .. no, wait— Mark was really sweet and asked to read some of her poetry so she takes 2 apples from John to give to Mark. John is not very happy that his apples have been taken away so he throws his remaining apple in her face. How many apples does Naomi have left?

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

Me and Jamaal never amounted to anything, though we used up the whole summer attempting to make things work. True damaged asshole that I am, I attempted to reconnect with Marley and several half-assed text messages later I realized that he was done with me. It serves me right because 1. I was STILL talking to a few other dudes at the time and 2. my execution is poor and I don’t really know how to express myself without either completely avoiding a situation or being too blunt about it and hurting feelings (not that any super deep feelings are really involved in these situations!) It seems the smart thing to have done would have been to let the situation with those two men play out just a little bit longer before deciding to axe one, however I don’t think that can ever be my solution. My biggest fear in doing that would be that I would end up dating two men indefinitely with no sign of commitment or monogamy in sight. I don’t want to be that girl—but I think I’m that girl

Here’s where I am now: I was dating two men and one man has suddenly risen to the BIG CHALLENGE and proven himself the clear front runner. We’ve spoken lightly of relationship in between dazed kisses (which means absolutely nothing) but other than that there is no guarantee this dude is going to actually go the distance with me. My problem is that I give zero fucks what’s going on in his head: he is what I want. I am smitten with him, he makes me laugh, he gives me the right amount of attention and affection and overall good feeling so why do I have to sit in a booth of a TGI Fridays with another man grateful for a free meal and lackluster conversation? I know what I want, its time to purge.

I slowly fade away from the other guy and he becomes more persistent. I don’t want to tell him I’m interested in someone else more because that’s like telling someone they are not good enough. I simply tell him to let me go and he won’t. stop. asking me why. I DON’T KNOW!!! Because someone always has to get rejected? Because it’s your turn to be hurt? Because this is how dating multiple people works? Because you’ve involved yourself with an indulgent, indecisive, philandering narcissist that all of a sudden doesn’t like you anymore and can’t even pinpoint why?!

I’m a terrible person

In the meantime, I get a call from ANOTHER guy I dated over the summer and he sounds hurt that he hasn’t heard from me. I’m just left puzzled and unsure what to do with all these man feelings lying around me. When my fallback game is vicious it’s not because I’m playing games it’s because I actually do not care about you anymore…at ALL. But it seems the simple fade away is no longer a good tactic and I have to explain to people that casually happened into my life why I no longer want them in my life anymore (not that they were actually even really there).  My spam messages inbox is chock full of random dudes I’ve blocked claiming they miss me and wondering why they haven’t heard from me. (-_-) STFU! Why do men do this? It just makes me feel bad when I KNOW they really didn’t give two shits in the first place…

How I WANT to respond…

The Point of It All

At this point it almost seems easier to just continue to juggle and try not to get too attached to any one person. I mean, what is the benefit otherwise? Here I am, severing ties with men left and right to focus on the one person I really like and there is no guarantee of a return on that investment. This is exhausting! And the question is, now that I’ve spent my summer juggling will I actually be able to settle down and focus/receive attention from just one person? I think the answer is yes but I suppose only time will tell. Sighhhh, stay tuned for this developing story…