Bread, Beer and Fapping

… not necessarily in that order, but these are definitely 3 things I need to get rid of in my life. So, I think I’m going to fast from the triplets for a month in some feeble attempt to lose some weight and find better ways to relieve my stress find enlightenment.


Bread and Beer
…are throwing my ph levels off and doing nothing to help me lose my belly. It is really a shame that the MOST REFRESHING THING EVER after a workout is a cold 40 oz of MGD (try not to judge, will ya?)  Last summer I did the whole Plus Sized Fun posts about my half naked vacation with my hot best friend and her hot friends and it was cute or whatever BUT showing up chubby to the nude beach is cute only once. The next year it’s like, Ok B, you gotta get your life together!  And this is why God hasn’t blessed me with an abundance of cash because it might sit in a college fund for the kids for a few days (tops) before I withdrew it all to get one of those amazing surgeries where they take awful fat on your body and place it somewhere awesome.

Furthermore, I assume that the novelty of the chill girlfriend that sucks down 24 oz Milwaukee Best Ices has just about worn off.  I have nightmares about finishing a can and him looking over at me like, “OK you gonna do some sit ups now?” (He would never say that because he’s great and encouraging and loves my body the way it is… but still…) I just have to DO BETTER! I lack discipline and I need put some sort of plan in motion to gain some sort of control over my life AND I need to change my bad lifestyle habits as a huge big ups to Jesus for blessing me with all this happiness stuff.

So the bread and beer is the first to go because it will be the hardest. If I can overcome this, even briefly, then the world is my fucking oyster.

Ok…so this is kind of gross, depending on who you are, but let me be candid– as is my way. A problem I deal with, and maybe I am not alone in this, is that I pick up bad habits from whoever my romantic muse is at the time. As I get older I think I am learning that I need to pay more attention to the people around me and how they influence my behavior. I started off my dating life as the goody two shoes church girl that was all about that missionary position, and have ended up the swinging from the chandelier girl. After sexual partner/failed dating attempt number 4 or so I just became so desensitized to the VALUE of sex and so accustomed to the frequency of the act without the substance. I am aware that nowadays taking your sexuality into your own hands and being in touch with yourself (pun intended) means that you are the ultimate feminist. No women should have to wait on a man for her pleasure! A friend even told me that she has a co-worker that keeps a vibrator at work and has suggested she do the same—I suppose this is liberating.


Listen, not to sound judgy but that woman is a psychopath. No one NEEDS a vibrator (or any tool for sexual stimulation) at their place of work. Isn’t that the kind of thing that George Michael got arrested for? And anyway, I’m sure vibrators are splendid (not a fan, personally) and two finger stimulation is WONDERFUL, but it is not the same as intimacy with another person and if you’re not careful—like me—it can become a release that you crave just to relieve stress. I should be in the gym relieving stress, or cooking or something, I don’t know. Now that I have a steady sexual partner I’m kind of feeling like it’s a damn good time to attempt to eliminate fapping out of my life permanently. I’m not knocking those that have to have their dailies, but I think it’s a good time for me to kick the habit. Sex is entertaining, so naturally this is a fun time to be in America and basking in the glow of our oversexed culture—but I don’t want it anymore. Also, I’d be interested to see the impact it would have on my current sex life, and if it could possibly help me to restore some of the reverence I’ve lost by engaging in casual sex.

But these are just thoughts, I really have no idea. Time will tell how this works out for me, and I will be sure to journal my thoughts throughout the month long fast. And OF COURSE, if anyone would like to join me on this quest you can feel free to update me about your experience in the comments section.



2 thoughts on “Bread, Beer and Fapping

  1. I think the title “Beer, Bread, and Beating off” sounds better. As for stopping any one of those, good luck. Something I learned is that the trick isnt to stop something but to start something that uses up that time. Ever been super busy and realized you haven’t had time to get fried or beat off? Your welcome

    • Beating off is really a guy thing– but I think of “fapping” as universal because is the general sound of touching yourself 🙂 Also, I don’t think I need to find ways to occupy my time. I’m a single mom, poet, writer, full time career, girlfriend…it’s BECAUSE I’m so stressed and busy that I engage in these things. I’m thinking I need to learn how to juggle without these habits in my life

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