Apparently you are supposed to judge others based on the reality and actions they’ve shown and not based on what, deep down, you know to be true. All men are cheaters. They simply cannot help themselves! And maybe 30 years ago it was much harder for them to do so because women were perhaps a little more virtuous and less willing to overstep boundaries, but where does that leave us today? Our society has allowed for this by creating a space for threesomes and open relationships and being ok with labels like “main chick”, “side chick” and “bottom bitch”. There is only one title that I want and will accept in a committed relationship, and that’s “The One and Only.”

My outlook on love has definitely darkened significantly over the last few years, and now because of recent events, I feel that I’m being haunted by my past. The good news is that my daughter’s father is able to visit her more frequently. The bad news is that his presence conjures up a dull aching pain somewhere back in the recesses of my heart that I would rather forget. It’s funny how you can persevere and time can allow you to get over a person, but I truly wonder if you can really ever get over the pain that person inflicted upon you. I still remember being told/coming to the realization that I was just a side piece. I screamed out in shock, which sounds so dramatic, but I felt so humiliated it was almost the same as being physically punched in the face.

The mind is so amazing! I find that I am usually able to bury those feelings away. But as I sit here typing this and crying at 5am in the morning, I fear that the agony of it may never completely die. It sits just beneath the surface, simmering at low heat. The first time her father came to see her about a week ago it was pretty uneventful. We actually get along great and things are generally fine between us. However, a few days later, I fell asleep lying in the arms of JW and I woke up on my back gasping for air in what felt like a mini panic attack. I’d had a nigtmare that JW had confessed to sleeping with someone else and I was trying to wake myself up out of it but I couldn’t move. When I finally awakened I felt that oh so familiar aching and I really just wanted to bolt out of there and go home. Instead, I forced myself to grip his hand and will myself to go back to sleep. He laced his fingers through mine and it was a reassuring feeling, but the uneasiness never went away.

A few weeks just before, I was brushing my teeth in JW’s bathroom and my body stiffened as I noticed a hair on the floor that didn’t belong to me. I felt my body freeze and my brain went into panic mode. How could I escape this? I went back to bed and lay next to his sleeping body saying my final goodbyes in my head. I loved this man who had given me so much in just a short period of time,  but I had to leave him.  Just like the others he could give me all these wonderful things but the one thing I needed most. And if he’s not cheating now, he WILL and I dont have a plan for how to handle it other than to run.

With my cheating exes I made the mistake of hanging around far too long. I wanted to ask questions–to know why and how and the who, what, where… I think I’m wise enough to know that none of those details matter now. I don’t have any desire to hang around and torture myself with information that’s not going to change my bottom line. If you cheat, I will be gone without a trace. This time it would be harder than before–a seriously tormenting struggle. When you are elevated to the position of queen, it is a long way to fall when it’s all over. But I would jump from that pedestal in a heartbeat, because who wants to suffer and be told they are not enough when you’ve been devoted to that person the whole time? I grew up with the pleasure of watching my father love my mom, solely, and I don’t think it’s asking too much to want the same for myself.

Anyway, that day JW woke up and noticed my suffering. We talked things through and the logical explanation was given for the hair in the bathroom. I accepted it with fear in my heart, but I still worry. He shows his love for me everyday, goes out of his way to make me smile, waits for me with my favorite whiskey and cups my face in hands and tells me I’m beautiful. But I still worry and it is completely unfair. Past lies and betrayal continue to haunt me even subconsciously and it’s taking a great effort to make sure that I don’t let any of the others that come after reap what the men before them have sown. I wish I knew the right way to convey the message of how a woman can forever be robbed of her security as a result of careless cheating.

Side chick,  main chick, jump off, bottom bitch– it doesn’t matter how you phrase it or how we as women pretend to grin and bear it: no one likes a pumpkin eater.