I just don’t know what the big deal is about the friend zone. Back in my savage dating days, out of the pool of losers I involved myself with there was maybe 2 or 3 I actually liked as people and would want to continue to keep in touch with. Apparently, the truth of the matter is that no guy wants to be your friend. EVER…Period.
He Used to Call Me on My Cellphone…
Help me out with the rules, please! I think I’ve been chastised enough and have found out the hard way that apparently you absolutely CANNOT try to be friends with a dude after sleeping with him—no matter how casual the sex was. Not to sound whiny, but I don’t think that’s fair. *stomps foot*
For example, I had a man casually dragging me along in a situationship/cuffing season arrangement. It was clear to me that he wasn’t interested in making me his girl, however he did want to call and yak on the phone about his new job and his baby mama getting on his nerves. Can I say that this is my pet peeve? If you are objectifying me in a situation that is only about sex then I don’t want to see cute pictures of your snotty nosed little kids. FOH! When I told him I was seeing someone else and it was becoming serious, he was not a happy camper. When I extended the olive branch of maintaining a friendship (because he was fresh out of jail and didn’t have a support system (I know, I need to get my life together– but that’s another post) you would have thought I shot his dog!
I mean, I get it BUT my real feelings are: get over yourself and your busted ass ego. It shouldn’t be a huge wound to your pride that someone you were using for sexual purposes no longer wants to be USED FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES! It has nothing to do with your skills in the bedroom—what If I told you that women don’t like wasting a lot of time with men with commitment issues? So let’s cut out the sex stuff and just kick it if we enjoy each other’s company. The problem with that is, niggas these days don’t want to choose you but want to get chosen by you, then want to boo hoo about the friend zone. How did you get there, homie? And is it the friend zone or the “she ain’t ever going to give me no pussy zone”. It’s a cup half empty or half full kind of situation, and just wanting sex from a woman is not the same as wanting to be her dude and/or being interested in her as a person so I don’t feel sorry for you.
I’m not trying to sleep with you anymore but if you want to talk sometime to vent about life or meet up for a drink, cool. Otherwise, kick rocks because that means you were operating off the ” I don’t want you but no one else can have you” plan and NOW you want to wait in the wings periodically texting for relationship with new nigga updates so you can swoop in when times are hard. Ok… I can see why we don’t get to be friends.
Build A Bae
On the other side of it, there are men that I’ve met while out networking and wanted to build friendships with but it’s nearly impossible because no matter what I believe, society believes that men and women are incapable of platonic friendships. I’m trying to get over what others may think but the stigma makes things a little awkward. How do I go about things without it looking like I’m playing the slow game to build a Bae?
In the spoken word community, the places I’ve been so far it seems to be a bit of a boy’s club. If I connect with someone’s writing or personal story while they’re on stage it feels a bit uncomfortable approaching anyone after a show, much less someone of the opposite sex. As an adult woman I don’t see anything wrong with building a network of friends that share common interests. Especially since I am a mother with a full time career and relationship with my own man to maintain; it’s not as if I have plans to be giggling on the phone with this person into the late night hours. It’d just be nice to form a bond with someone without it being perceived as a come on, but I get the distinct impression that as an adult we aren’t really allowed to have opposite sex friends; so why bother?
This isn’t high school (at least I hope it’s not) mature women don’t plan to attach themselves at the hip to someone who they know harbors feelings for them and force them to cuddle and paint toenails while rejecting their romantic advances for the sake of attention. However, when we attempt to find friendship with a male we automatically run the risk of entering into a friendship, while he is entering into a “friendship”. So, after a hangout you think you had fun with your homie, while he’s nursing his blue balls wondering what he has to do to climb his way out of the friend zone. When did it become a zone as opposed to a ship? And my real question: when did men lose track of their self-control to the point where they can’t even relate to women unless sex is either on the table, or at least slow simmering on the stove to later be served on the table?
The Age Old Question
I suppose maybe I’ve turned into one of those ridiculous people that are offended by everything on the internet but I truly resent the jokes about the friendzone. As a woman I have much more to offer besides bomb ass sex (dammit!) and I don’t want to think that every male is ultimately and secretly after that. It’s safer to just not even attempt to be friends with men at all, and befriending a woman in the area I live in is hardly worth the effort (but that’s yet another post. I’ll just stick to my current roster.
Recently, I lost a close male friend of mine because our friendship made his wife uncomfortable–in spite of the fact that he doesn’t live near me, I see him once every two years or so and when we do talk we encourage each other about family life and he gives me the guy perspective on my love life. I no longer get to enjoy that friendship simply because our connection was misinterpreted. I have dealt with cheating men who juggled suspicious female “friends” so I completely understand the wife’s point of view and I know why our friendship had to end. Even if your man is not prone to cheating, there are women out on these streets who don’t have boundaries. My ex-boyfriend’s best female friend used to ring his phone off the hook when he didn’t answer– umm fall back, hoe, he’s not your man! I appreciate and try to stay within the boundaries of maintaining a platonic co-ed friendship– but at the end of the day if the siginificant other ain’t down you just have to let it go. It feels a lot like cutting ties with a family member and if allow myself to think about it, it actually makes me pretty sad. Perhaps society itself has lost trust in the bonds that bring people together outside of sexual relationships. So, maybe I shouldn’t bother lamenting the lack of male friendships in my life because who really wants to go through the loss again when that new friend gets a serious girlfriend and has to cut you out of his life as if you’re some home wrecking whore and not just a person who has made a genuine platonic connection…?
You said: “when did men lose track of their self-control to the point where they can’t even relate to women unless sex is either on the table, or at least slow simmering on the stove to later be served on the table?”
The answer to that is simple: Feminism. That’s why men that you meet in real life are the way they are. And the prevalence of hookup culture, which was spurred by feminism, as the new norm of dating.
If it were up to me, it’s better to stick with same sex genders for buddy talks. Opposite sex friendships often times get messy, whether you intended it or not, and like you said, especially when your guy buddy gets together with another gal on a serious level and she happens not to be as secure as you (which happens a lot more often than most people would admit). And it’s human nature to be territorial of one’s spouses or significant others.
I personally don’t believe in having platonic friendships with the opposite sex because in the end, they never work out once you or the other person starts dating someone seriously–unless that person happens to be within the same social circle. But these one’s are often times the most devastating when things, by happenstance, don’t work out. Not only do you lose your significant other but you lose all of your friends in that social circle due to the breakup. (And make no mistake, people choose sides. Like it or not.)
That’s my two cents.
I agree with your statement about feminism. In today’s world it has everything to do with sexual revolution and freedom when I think of feminism as more the freedom of choosing who you want to be without hindrance or judgment. Because sexual freedom is so emphasized I think it is harder on those who just want to make connections and leave the sex out of it. I’m still torn about what I believe; I’ve experienced platonic opposite sex relationships so I know you can bond with someone without sex being a factor, BUT sometimes external forces dictate the course of those friendships and you end up having to give them up. I regret that it’s difficult for these friendships to thrive without things getting messy but I also totally get it and understand and am with you on sticking to same sex for buddy talks just to make things simple!
I appreciate your two cents—thanks for taking time out to engage
Complaining about the friendzone is a one-sided argument, because we hardly ever acknowledge or own up to the times when we do it to 98% of the people we meet. As if somehow when we do it, it’s different. The “zone” we speak of is just a boundary, and it’s valid for all of us to set it. Men talk to, fuck and pair up with anyone they fuckin’ want to or don’t want to…you don’t hear them getting mad over having to friendzone a woman, ever. So, let ’em whine about a woman placing that boundary on them. In the end, we’ll all get what we set out looking for anyway.
Opposite sex friendships aren’t impossible or rare at all, but they do shift, evolve and disappear just like with any other relationship in your life. Even with same sex friendships, your friend may start to cycle out once they prioritize their significant other, connect with a new group of friends, or move away – just to name a few scenarios. It’s frustrating to make new friends, opposite sex or not, as an adult simply because we’ve lived a lot of life and our past experiences (or things we’ve observed about others’ experiences) can color how we deal with new people. It was never this difficult as kids! We just asked whomever to play with us and focused more on the experience. If only we could be more like that as adults. To help minimize frustrations over it though, I think it comes down to changing your expectations, staying open, and trusting your gut about with whom you really connect. If someone is genuinely your friend, they’ll continually put in the effort and/or be receptive to you no matter the circumstances and there will be a mutual understanding and respect of the nature of your relationship. It’s probably not going to be an every day or even every week thing, but whatever you do have will make you feel secure enough about what you have with them and vice versa. And if you’re seeking people with a strong sense of integrity, even their romantic partners would be devoid of major character flaws that could be damaging to their life inside and outside of their relationship, so you wouldn’t even have to deal with a lot of jealous tensions about your platonic friendships anyway.
I understand some of your gripes about sexual or romantic implications regarding opposite sex friendships, it’s an unfortunate challenge to overcome. A lot of the time I notice that a dude puts in a effort with me because he wants something from me that serves a selfish purpose, and it doesn’t have to just be about sex. We can speculate all day about what the origins of this dynamic may be, but you just have to take it for what it is. You’re going to encounter way more insecure people than secure, and way more shallow-minded people than not. That’s not going to change. To combat that though, you have to stop overthinking it, be true to yourself and learn how to recognize when someone else matches the same vibe as you (or doesn’t). Just don’t let anyone with dubious or mismatched intentions get too close to you, and you avoid a lot of potential drama or stress with anyone. Yes it’s annoying to have to deal with sexual undertones most of the time, but oh well. It can surely be overcome. As long as your intentions are honest and you act accordingly, any confusion or incorrect assumptions from the other person is surely their issue so don’t even make it your problem at that point. You’d be stressing your own self out. Just move on or change your participation in the relationship. Personally, I’m not going to segregate my “buddy talk” for just same sex friends. That gets old for me and it limits my understanding in life. I’ll talk to whomever I want to however I think best fits the situation. I trust myself enough to make great judgments about that, and I also trust my real friends to do the same.
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