In my observation, one of the hardest things about modern dating, modern falling in love, modern commitment…is that there is no way of knowing how it’s all going to come to an end. With today’s technologies, attention spans and general cold attitude toward the feelings of others you just never know when your partner is going to send you that fateful “We’re done” text, then proceed to post pics of themselves on social media with the new bae. It sucks, and it kind of makes you not even want to bother with relationships in the first place.
What About Bob?
Before I go any further with this, I have to make the confession that I’m not quite as gangsta about this as I would like to be. Especially when I was in the online dating world I was a savage…ghosting people and not returning calls on a daily basis. I still feel only mild guilt about this because I hardly knew these people and I’m positive they’re over it by now. However, in an effort to not become a total douche bag I told myself I would officially break things off with anyone I had been dealing with for longer than a month.
Just last year as the holidays were around the corner and I was nearing the decision to close up my online dating account, I met a nice man (let’s call him Bob) that seemed pretty decent (meaning not a serial killer). As it turned out, he liked to go on dates, go for walks, talk on the phone and all that other stuff that most online dudes don’t like to do. He had just moved back to the area after living out of town for years so of course he had no car or job. However, none of this bothered me as I hopped in my car and traipsed across town to pick him up for dates.
Meanwhile, enter current beau JW, who I held no interest in whatsoever but just so happened to reach out to me during an open moment. As gorgeous as he was, I wasn’t interested in pursuing yet another dating dud so after meeting him I had no real plans to continue correspondence. I continued to date Bob, and while I wasn’t quite head over heels, I figured he was a genuinely nice guy that had begun to grow on me. However, JW showed persistence, I increased the time of day alloted to him and after more conversations I realized that I liked JW and wanted things to progress in his direction. But what about Bob?
Well this is the part where I tell you that I told Bob I was seeing someone else, gave both Bob and JW equal quality time until my heart could decide which to keep. (I mean, technically it was perfectly ok for me to continue dating them both until one committed to make me girlfriend but that’s only something I recommend doing if both are equal contenders. If one guy is the clear front runner why not drop the other guy and try to add someone who can make it a healthy competition to the roster? That is, if you’re ok with the idea of dating multiple men…) But, nope! Bob pretty much got dumped via a slow fade out that I thought was classy and gracious but I looked back at my old text messages and realized that I was quite insensitive. Of this, I am not proud.
We all know the right thing to do; if you’re not feeling someone anymore let them go. For the love of God, end it!
A few weeks ago, the hashtag #WasteHisTime2016 was trending on social media, and I believe it will probably be the most misunderstood trending subject of the year. I saw it simply described on Twitter as “…made by feminists to describe different ways to waste men’s time” but it is was much more than that. I don’t understand how when men post jokes about cheating on girls, having hoes and finally giving up hoes to settle down with wifey, collective humanity is supposed to jump for joy and shower them with “likes” and accolades. Women everywhere either have the sense of humor and give it a thumbs up, or we smile because we get it, its hilarious …but it also reflects a dating cruelty that’s been done to us and it feels awful to see it play out as some sort of joke on the internet. Waste his time 2016 was our time as women to finally to crack the jokes and have everyone laughing with us and not at us. For me, it was great testament to how strong women can be in spite of how we’ve been shitted on in our romantic lives. We aren’t always the weak ones; more often than not we are strong enough to heal, move on from losers and dare to love again.
I am definitely an advocate for dating multiple people, keeping it casual, etc—but I do not condone disrespect. There is a way you can date around with no commitment without treating the women you are dating like a smorgasbord of hoes that deserve your inconsistent behavior and ambiguous communications. Why do you have to have a main bitch if you have side bitches? Why not just level with every woman in your life, date casually and if you then want to commit choose ONE and be about that life! If you don’t want to commit then continue on with your lazy susan of women as you please…but it’s just plain wrong to have one woman, that you supposedly like the most, thinking she is your one and only when she is not. If you are treating her like spoiled milk, pour her out. There’s plenty of new milk for you to drink.
Things I Should Have Never Said and Did When I Expired
I’ve been a sidechick before. I found out after the fact and I truly felt that I was beyond the point of no return and I had no idea how to escape it. My subconscious thought literally was, “I’m in this. I am in love with him now, I can’t leave.” But of COURSE I could! I eventually lived up to the sidechicks dream and became a main but it was the most unhappy, paranoid and insecure time of my life. I didn’t deserve to be with an asshole with a proclivity toward cheating; always worried about who he was texting or what he was doing. Fuck that dude, I was a strawberry kiwi Starburst being treated like lemon!
Ironically, HE broke up with ME…poured me out and allowed me to be free. It was a long time coming but in retrospect I am grateful he let me go. I’m not sure that I ever would have done so myself. I beg of you, when your time comes, when relationship behavior changes and the writing is on the wall, do not be afraid to end things. Also, try not to do or say dumbass things that do absolutely nothing to help your healing process.
Famous Last Lines
-No one will ever love you like I do
Totally not true! Someone probably is currently loving all of my exes better than I could right now at this very moment. The beauty is I don’t care…and I never thought I would even get to that point.
-Social media stalking
Just don’t. I had a huge fight with the boyfriend just the other day and the first thing I did was unfollow him on Facebook. Once things go south in a relationship for me its morphing time and I literally turn into a Power Ranger with a special knack for jealousy and pettiness. So before I lit up his page with immaturity I recused myself. If you break up UNFRIEND (although I really think you shouldn’t follow each other on social media in the first place; do as I say not as I do!)
-I will never fall in love again
I did; and were my relationship to end I probably would again. Falling in love is easy, remaining in love is the hard part. Trying and working and perseverance is the hard part and the part I think we mourn once relationships end. We resent all that hard work and effort we put into it. The romantic in me believes that someone worth fighting for is always bound to come along if I am open and free myself from the thought that I am bound to the last person I was with. The practical part of me also knows that there is fulfillment outside of romantic relationships so if I never fall in love again maybe I’ll be a little saddened by that fact but overall I will be just fine.
Relationships from beginning to end are unpredictable. Lets remember to treat each other well, even if it means setting someone free, or making the courageous decision to free ourselves.
Thank you for writing this! It touches on so many things that are true about the dating scene and our generation as a whole. It takes strength to be this honest and open and I commend you. Anyone can point out everyone else’s fuckery but it takes a special person to point out fuckery and admit that they too participated in it at some point or another.
Our generation has birthed a slew of dangerous catch phrases such as “not giving any fucks” or “don’t judge me” and pushed them two extraordinary heights. While I do in general agree with the idea of “giving no fucks” and the like, I find that MOST people who live by those sayings openly apply it to their own actions while acting like the world is going to end when someone carries it that way with them. It’s EASY to “give no fucks” when there are no real consequences, emotional or otherwise, but when it comes to hurting someone’s feelings or contrarily getting their own feelings hurt, people want others to give LOTS of fucks and seek plenty of judgement on someone else’s actions when their own feelings are at stake or hurt. It’s hypocritical bullshit and while no one owes anyone anything, I don’t see what’s so bad about giving a FEW fucks about other people’s feelings, especially in the dating game or relationships. I have found that even when things don’t turn out the way I wanted, when someone just treats me with common decency and just lets me know what the situation is rather than just taking the easy way out and ghosting me, at least a friendship or flirty back and forth with no real complications is birthed from that. One of my best female friends came from a situation that she just didn’t feel the same way about me but was honest with me and as a result is my DOG. That couldn’t have and wouldn’t have ever happened had she just carried me and while she didn’t owe me anything, I imagine it wasn’t that emotionally exhausting to just let me know. Contrarily, I knew where I stood and didn’t waste any more time or effort courting. As a result, we hit each other up when we are bored or just feel like shooting the breeze and because we handled it like adults I feel like we are both better for the experience.
I’ll get off my high horse now and admit that I too have ghosted someone but I will say that it was a long time ago (at least 10 years) and have made amends with said person. Doing the adult thing even when it is hard is usually the correct thing to do in most cases and it won’t kill anyone to dial back the “ no fucks given” notch a tad and show a little consideration to one another. Maybe we can start the movement WG?