Great Expectations

I sent a group text the other day to my family telling them the great news that FINALLY I was a published author. I live in reality, I know that I am self-published and it’s not exactly the same hoopla that comes with picking up an agent and being funded by a large publishing company, but still, yay me! My siblings were congratulatory, my parents remained silent. It was the first stone—felt like I swallowed it and could feel it travel down my esophagus and weigh down on my belly.

I saw them later that day, and I know my mother is the type to have cupcakes, say congratulations and ask questions—but when I got to their house it was business as usual. My parents are not villains. I had to pull my eldest daughter out of her former school, I can’t afford before and after care by myself so she now lives with them during the weekdays attending their neighborhood school as well as my four-year old daughter. My parents are not villains. They give me groceries when I am poor and encourage me to go to mental health counseling and provide me with plenty of scripture as advice.

My parents are not villains—they just don’t like the person that I have become. This divorced, formerly broken, independent and kind of whacky woman is not anyone they want to hug or congratulate or give a slap on the back. She is a little broken and way too open. She is not Christian enough; and I know that it bothers them that they can’t quite tell whether I’m going to heaven or hell. Well I don’t really know either, and I had to come to a place and take a moment to stop fretting about it. I’ve had to force myself to slow down and learn to be happy and accepting and to take life one day at a time. And as for this day, I am proud of myself because I never thought I would be here. If you had asked me where I would be at this time 5 years ago I would have said, “Lying in the fetal position on the floor of a psych ward contemplating where my life went so wrong.” I have exceeded my own expectations and I am going to bask in the glory of this moment even if it kills me to smile and I have to do it through faltering lips.

In spite of the men that didn’t value me enough to treat me with respect and dignity…

In spite of what I used to lay awake at night telling myself…

In spite of how the “Christians” may view me and my life choices…

In spite of rejection from the people I desire support from the most…

Ijustwanttowrite

 

 

I am here. And I will continue to shut out the voices of the doubters and unbelievers in order to do the thing that makes me happy. I just want to write.

Click here, to find out more and/or purchase my new chapbook Trigger: A Downward Spiral.

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Declaration of Independence

Hey Ladies

Agreed! …so, help us out brotha!

 

I am not a traditional feminist so I’m not really raising my hands to any independent woman anthems. More likely I can be found searching for the nearest dude to help me dig the snow from underneath my car but that is just who I choose to be.

However, as a single mom that doesn’t always have a dude around to help, I understand the importance and necessity of independence. In some cases, perhaps women are going out of their way to prove “what we can do”, in others, maybe we are just forced to do our own thing because men are so busy boo loving and bromancing each other to care what we are doing or help us out anyway.

If I could film a montage of my life, about 20% of it would be doors literally slamming in my face because the man who walked in just before me didn’t bother to hold it open, or a series of conversations being interrupted by bros who want to bro it out with each other and simply can’t wait for me to finish my sentence. Bros before hoes—we GET it! But what if it’s not a hoe? What about your little sister? What about your co-worker who is a nice girl that’s maybe a little naïve and could use some gentle advice? Or the old lady that needs help with groceries, OR, OR, OR— I could go on all day! These days, it seems like women are only potential pussy and THAT’S when a man is (sometimes) willing to take care of her needs.

This generation of men is not how it used to be, either. There used to be a special regard for not only your mom but women in general. Men used to offer seats, open doors and even stand when a woman walks into the room. Now I just kind of feel like a piece of meat more often than not. If I’m not looking pretty enough or showing enough cleavage my customer service experience is shot to hell. There are some ladies that know what I mean—yes, indeed I get dressed up to take my car to the shop otherwise I will be completely ignored and possibly ripped off.

Being a lady is not simply being granted respect because you are the owner of a shiny, precious vagina anymore—it involves being attractive and having something to offer to a man in exchange for a tire change, help with bags or a dinner out (although I do see the man’s pov when it comes to always paying for dates). I’d love to lean on men for the little things in life!  I would love to proudly stand by a man’s side as he accomplishes his dreams, I have no problem with that. It is not my intention to brag and have the “anything you can do I can do better” mentality but shit—since I’m forced to do it anyway I may as well own it. Do men really even care about women’s independence and capabilities across the board—or are they too busy loving on their homies and showing them love, affection and support to even be paying us attention? Fine, I’ll work hard and achieve my own damned dreams– I don’t have to be by your side. AND don’t even GET me started on how Bottom Bitch culture has possibly ruined the woman’s desire to be that chick to see a man’s dreams to fruition, anyway. What is the incentive for being soft and submissive and loyal and dependent? Giving up all of your own dreams, get none of the credit for the man’s success and get dumped for someone “prettier” with a phatter ass, lighter skin and longer hair that hasn’t loved them through their lowest points? I’m good on that, no thank you.

Maybe our declaration of independence is a cry for help—nay—a call to arms for men to get back to treating us the way generations before us were used to being treated. Make us a priority again– not just significant others but all women in general. I’ll make room for you by my side and together we can get this money and realize our dreams.

I’m just saying…

Big Things in 2016: Chapbook Release Preview

 

C Book Cover.png

I am happy and so excited to announce that I will be releasing my first chapbook later this month! This particular work is a small collection of my original poems and writing pieces woven together to tell the story of a difficult period in my life.

I believe that most people wrestle with demons and struggle with mental health issues every day. For some, depression is innate as a result of a chemical imbalance—for others, there are “triggers”, or situations that can cause depression and send one on a downward spiral. For me, a series of events related to heartbreak, job loss and unexpected pregnancy propelled me into the darkest of places. The only way I know to describe it is an IMPLOSION—as if a gun had gone off internally, yet to others I appeared just fine on the outside. Out of this concept Trigger was born.

This project is very dear to me so it was important that I take the time to do it right and find ways to give readers more bang for their buck. My best friend and favorite artist, Traci L. Turner, was gracious enough to take on this project and work with me to design the cover which I reveal to you today. So even if you think the writing is crap, at least you will be investing in a wonderful piece of art for your coffee table or bookshelf. 

Take a look and stay tuned for the official release date!

Also, check me out on internet radio this Saturday, February 6 at noon EST. Visit my website for more details…