The Loneliness Chronicles: Part 1

13 MIR Poetry Gallery

Break ups are rough. I really tried to avoid ever having to go through one again so I fought like hell for my last relationship before calling it quits. Since its ending I’ve struggled with how I should catalog, observe and overthink about all of my emotions  aimlessly floating around. I am very much a writer that needs to bleed and share as part of my healing process but I want to be sure I am as respectful as possible addressing break-up-related topics because 1. I eventually want someone to have sex with me again and 2. At one point I REALLY loved that man and have respect for all he’s taught me and the greatness of our time together. I loved him. There are parts of me that still miss him and often, I feel lonely without him.

My inner circle of friends–who are surprisingly rational and pragmatic in spite of the fact that they’re my friends–have prepared me to brace myself for the inevitable loneliness that comes after a break-up and can last well into single life. I am not bothered by the concept of loneliness because it’s a natural ass human emotion and I’ve seen people navigate/have had to navigate through these feelings before. I know beautiful, smart, successful women who still experience that dull ache that sneaks up on them in hidden moments. The problem is that loneliness is sometimes associated with emptiness when I don’t think the two are as closely related as we tend to think. I like being alone, I understand that I am a complete and whole ass  person so when I feel lonely I don’t think it has anything to do with being incomplete or empty—I think we just freakin’ need people sometimes! We crave connection.

So…Just Love Yourself, Right?

Self-love is a wonderful thing. It is a long overdue concept, beautiful in its simplicity and practicality yet so easy to neglect. I am glad that it’s the latest buzzword on everyone’s lips and that we are all taking a moment to reflect and think about what it means to truly love ourselves. As with any good thing, it comes with a sprinkle of bad—which is, we can forget the purpose of self-love in the first place. Loving yourself and becoming firm in who you are—protecting your vibe and your spirit—is a practice that helps us to love others better, it’s not just for us. None of us are an island. I mean, good for you if you are the “cut a bitch off in a heartbeat” type of person but you are probably also lonely and acting too tough to admit it. A certain part of me wants to be driven by my anger and heartbreak but I realized from my last two nervous breakdowns break ups that I have to do shit differently if I plan to survive the after effects of emotional devastation and relationship separation. The remedy to surviving is OF COURSE self-love because that means you don’t need anyone else to define who you are. You are a free standing, infinite and self-sustaining resource for your own happiness. However, being whole and complete does not mean you won’t experience loneliness, so try not to beat yourself up about it.

The key to self-actualization is not avoiding experiencing or having to sit in negative emotions. For my personal journey I find that I am at my best when I accept reality and avoid dwelling on negativity. But sometimes shit sucks and I have to acknowledge unhappiness or unpleasantness and I have to feel it through until it’s over. I notice that I have prolonged my depression in the past by running from it or pretending it wasn’t real. It’s like a few weeks ago when I was cleaning the house and sliced my finger open on a piece of broken glass. I didn’t want to go to the hospital, I had shit to do! I didn’t feel like it and I could have probably survived just fine without the drive to drop the kids off at my parent’s house and the additional drive to the hospital. However, I had to grow up and make the trip to get stitches and a stupid tetanus shot even though I wanted to avoid it. The laziness in me didn’t feel like diagnosing a basic ass problem and going to get the shit fixed.

Navigating Loneliness in a Fake Ass World

The stigma of loneliness is the kicker! I held onto my last relationship for about 6 months passed the expiration date because I was afraid of who I was supposed to be when I became single again. I like to be raunchy and ridiculous, crack sex jokes and just be loose and carefree. I worried that I would have to change those things and be more careful about how I present myself because I didn’t want to come off desperate or lonely. I worried that people would be able to sense a lonely vibe from me and judge me because of it. These are all anxieties on top of fretting about how I was going to battle loneliness after severing ties with someone whose title and presence in my life validated me. I was not really pressed to be anyone’s girlfriend until I became one and it was like a sigh of relief. “I belong to someone. Someone, besides me, thinks I’m dope!”

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Yeah, none of that shit matters. 1. I was unhappy in my relationship because we were super incompatible so I was battling with loneliness anyway 2. I realize now that loneliness is not really a battle or anything to fight against. It’s one of those shameful emotions associated with weakness so no one wants to admit that they experience it. I always find it ridiculous when we try to shame normal emotions as if they are bad character traits. There is nothing wrong with me, I just want some TLC sometimes!

TLC doesn’t have to come in the form of a large penis and deep voice [at least I chant this to myself daily!] but it can be a quick chat with a friend, a smile exchange with a stranger, or even hugging a pet! Loneliness comes in waves—there are some big ones that can knock you the fuck out. You gotta sit in those, journal about it, think on those feelings while keeping your mind’s eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. That takes hella practice and it is still an excruciating process that may not even pan out in the end. The relief is that sometimes the waves are small. Sometimes, it’s just a splash of water, not enough to drown you but you will need to take a second to regroup and dry off after.

Loneliness is real. While you don’t have to be as TMI as I am being about it, no one should feel they have to deny the emotion or beat themselves up about feeling that way. Reading hateful comments on random social media posts make me feel lonely, watching the chaos and destruction of the world unfold on the news makes me feel lonely. I associate the emotion with disconnection and I’m now fixated on dedicated to exploring what activities and/or thoughts bring me back to earth and reconnect me with humanity and myself. I am navigating this bullshit, I am not thrilled about it but all aspects of life are not thrilling. I just need to embrace my reality and learn to validate my own emotions while releasing myself of the stigma society attaches to them.

And that’s real…

11 MIR Poetry Gallery

*For more micro-poetry follow me on Instagram @whiskey_grrl*

This is a Subpost

I am a 33 year old woman, I like to think I know a few things. For instance, I know that a lot of things in this life are temporary and that life itself is not fair. I know that love is not a fairytale, it is actually pretty rare and there doesn’t have to be a bunch of pomp and circumstance surrounding it for it to be great. However, I still stumble over the fact that two people can go through the trouble of finding each other and falling in love while somehow still being unable to work things out to be together. 

Apparently, all the wonderful things about a person can be trumped by just one bad trait or circumstance or belief. All the wonderful things about a person can somehow not be enough if they aren’t able to give you the one thing you really need to feed you soul. All the wonderful things about a person can rip your soul to shreds when it comes to making the tough decisions about your future, goals and expectations.

All those wonderful things will have me up at night for a very long time contemplating the magnitude of what I have sacrificed…

this is over

If you are no longer faithful, please let me go

because I am lonely and I’d rather be lonely alone

without expectation of physical touch that you choose to outsource

while I am too disconnected to realize that we have run our course

this is over

and so is my willingness to tolerate neglect

and to believe that somehow you were offering me your best

you were never ALIVE

you were soulless carcass

you…were heartbeat’s rest

stillness and calm before a storm that never came

rainbow, shooting star, cool summer rain

lucky penny, four leaf clover

but this…is over

as well as my desire to live out my days while sober

I need drugs to help cure this persistent ache

only so much one soul can take

if I can’t die, I at least deserve the option of not having to be awake

without you 

I’m not sure how that life even goes, I have been you

you are everything and all that I know

the more I need you, the more it seems to just push you away

and I weigh the bad times against all the good and I stay

knowing we will never quite love each other the right way

this should be over

but you are so lost in familiarity

whereas I am madly in love with you completely in awe that you’ve chosen me

insecure within your security

driven by jealousy and abandonment issues, I love yous turned into I miss you’s

and I got scared

and we both lost our grip on each other

I fear i may have nagged you into the arms of another

or maybe you just realized that I was not worth the maintenance

lost the will to fake it and checked out of relationship in broad daylight

we tend to exist in twilight, you and I

and I am not quite yet ready to go dark

let’s go back to the people I know that we are

let’s start over

seriously, can we start this thing over?

I already taste the agony from missing you advance

you haven’t even left yet

and I am never sure if I actually want you to go

I just want my brain and heart to finally reach a consensus

there is no future in this

baked cookies and blended families are a complicated fantasy

that pushes the boundaries of intimacy you are willing to show me

your damaged love will not grow me

just as my unconditional love will not change you

the smart decision is to be through

after we have traveled around and around; dark places took us under

we will never reach the level no man can put asunder

and no matter how much I wish it, I will never be your heart’s rightful owner

you will never turn it over

we are only getting older

this

is over

Worth

I let someone that I wasn’t even in love with break my heart. I was dating him for companionship and convenience because it’s nice to be liked and spooned by muscular arms at night.
He never paid for anything and it started to bother me; started to sting that I wasn’t worth a few crumbs out of the paycheck for a decent meal or two. It felt even worse when he began to tell stories of ex girlfriends at restaurants and movies…places we’d never been. He disappeared for a day to a cookout hosted by his father didn’t tell me where he was until after, never invited me.
I began to feel so stupid. This pseudo relationship was turning into a manifestation of my masochistic desire to humiliate myself by latching on to men who would never think very highly of me.
He was a contrary type of guy, loved to argue. I engaged most times only half paying attention, after all I was 30 and he was 24, I knew how pointless it was to live life so disagreeably. I don’t remember what we argued about this time, but I remember finally asking why he never took me out on dates, never paid or sponsored the roll up or shared his weed.
He looked at me and said, “I have for other women just not for you.”
Typing that just now hurt. I cried but I made myself finish typing it because as embarrassing as it is, it is truth. You watch men fall all over some women, shout their love out to the rooftops, pay their bills take care of their babies and you begin to want it so bad. I wanted it and it’s never come to me. I don’t think it will. For whatever reason, in the romantic world my value doesn’t seem to equate to such things…the more I want it the more it slips out of my finger tips
And I realize I will always be the one in the relationship who loves the most. 
I hereby resign from that position

Shattered Pieces

I have a thing for broken men
I am no fixer, I just want to lay next to their shattered pieces
to worship
Cut my cheek on jagged edges
Taste blood as it runs down my face
And I tell myself this is what alive feels like
Knowing the both of us are really dead
Slow bled out a long time ago
But the truth is never real as long as you say it isn’t so
And I’ll probably never leave you if you tell me not to go
I am unhappy
But it’s my favorite dress and I tend to wear it so well
How it fits like a glove over the exaggerated swell of my hips
Just past the honey bee tattoo you used to lick and kiss
But I haven’t seen you and your tongue is fast becoming a memory
Visions of our future are slowly erasing, fading
Trading themselves in for loneliness and neglect
The irritable clench of your jaw as I pleaded and I wept
For the us that I thought we could be
Watching your passion transform into apathy
It was beautiful sad, it was just like you
It was sleeping late curled up in bed …the countless times you’ve never come through
I watch you stop caring and I withdraw further into myself
Tell me, are you so much in love with yourself you have none to spare for anyone else?
Or maybe just a little more for me
See, I’m a bit tired
Of waking up to missed text messages that I wonder if you sent because you knew I was asleep
And of leaving voicemails laced with desperation after the sound of the beep
Wishing for time and touch with abated breath
Flat lining on this table, you are the surgeon with each incision I fear you will call a time of death
Love doesn’t live here, didn’t give enough notice when it left
and I am being evicted in its wake
Let me stay, give me more pain I promise you I can take it
I am a pro, an underdog a masochistic hero
And besides, I am a lot more crazy than you know
I have  thing for you
I am obsessed with your shattered pieces
Let me lie prostrate, and let’s sit in silence as I worship
At your feet

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I’ve been reading articles lately—trying to find out what psychologists have to say about ways to love and, more importantly, ways to keep it. Something about retaining it is not my strong suit; it always slips through. Or, I hold on too long and I don’t know when to let it go and stop trying. People are hard to read these days, they don’t tell you when they’re through with you, they try to hang on to you while simultaneously reaching out to something more, something BETTER or just different. Society is insatiable and cruel. I seem to only be left with the prayer that everything will end up alright in the end—because I’m tired of spending a relationship’s duration flinging cheating accusations and keeping tally of love lost and considerations that slowly diminish with time.

Loveland Art Image 2

Loveland Art

I can’t stomach another break up—break apart. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with this level of trial and error; the stakes are too high. I’ve given of body and time, spirit—pieces of me I won’t be quite so generous with the next time around. I’m only 32 but kind of feeling like I’m getting too old for the “next time around”. After this age it seems like we’re all kidding ourselves, arriving at the door with too much baggage and only the worst parts of ourselves to offer because we’re too beaten, broken down and plain selfish to offer up the good parts…the naked parts. Tell me, where do you hide your good parts?

 

No matter the outcome—of life and so many things— I suppose there is comfort in the possibility of finding peace within my own self-worth, and power in knowing I don’t have to force someone into validating that for me.

 

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*All artwork in this blog post courtesy of Loveland Art. Please click the link to check out more; also follow on Instagram: @lovelandart.

Big Things in 2016: Chapbook Release Preview

 

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I am happy and so excited to announce that I will be releasing my first chapbook later this month! This particular work is a small collection of my original poems and writing pieces woven together to tell the story of a difficult period in my life.

I believe that most people wrestle with demons and struggle with mental health issues every day. For some, depression is innate as a result of a chemical imbalance—for others, there are “triggers”, or situations that can cause depression and send one on a downward spiral. For me, a series of events related to heartbreak, job loss and unexpected pregnancy propelled me into the darkest of places. The only way I know to describe it is an IMPLOSION—as if a gun had gone off internally, yet to others I appeared just fine on the outside. Out of this concept Trigger was born.

This project is very dear to me so it was important that I take the time to do it right and find ways to give readers more bang for their buck. My best friend and favorite artist, Traci L. Turner, was gracious enough to take on this project and work with me to design the cover which I reveal to you today. So even if you think the writing is crap, at least you will be investing in a wonderful piece of art for your coffee table or bookshelf. 

Take a look and stay tuned for the official release date!

Also, check me out on internet radio this Saturday, February 6 at noon EST. Visit my website for more details…

Milk

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In my observation, one of the hardest things about modern dating, modern falling in love, modern commitment…is that there is no way of knowing how it’s all going to come to an end. With today’s technologies, attention spans and general cold attitude toward the feelings of others you just never know when your partner is going to send you that fateful “We’re done” text, then proceed to post pics of themselves on social media with the new bae. It sucks, and it kind of makes you not even want to bother with relationships in the first place.

What About Bob?

Before I go any further with this, I have to make the confession that I’m not quite as gangsta about this as I would like to be. Especially when I was in the online dating world I was a savage…ghosting people and not returning calls on a daily basis. I still feel only mild guilt about this because I hardly knew these people and I’m positive they’re over it by now. However, in an effort to not become a total douche bag I told myself I would officially break things off with anyone I had been dealing with for longer than a month.

Just last year as the holidays were around the corner and I was nearing the decision to close up my online dating account, I met a nice man (let’s call him Bob) that seemed pretty decent (meaning not a serial killer). As it turned out, he liked to go on dates, go for walks, talk on the phone and all that other stuff that most online dudes don’t like to do. He had just moved back to the area after living out of town for years so of course he had no car or job. However, none of this bothered me as I hopped in my car and traipsed across town to pick him up for dates.

Meanwhile, enter current beau JW, who I held no interest in whatsoever but just so happened to reach out to me during an open moment. As gorgeous as he was, I wasn’t interested in pursuing yet another dating dud so after meeting him I had no real plans to continue correspondence. I continued to date Bob, and while I wasn’t quite head over heels, I figured he was a genuinely nice guy that had begun to grow on me. However, JW showed persistence, I increased the time of day alloted to him and after more conversations I realized that I liked JW and wanted things to progress in his direction. But what about Bob?

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Well this is the part where I tell you that I told Bob I was seeing someone else, gave both Bob and JW equal quality time until my heart could decide which to keep. (I mean, technically it was perfectly ok for me to continue dating them both until one committed to make me girlfriend but that’s only something I recommend doing if both are equal contenders. If one guy is the clear front runner why not drop the other guy and try to add someone who can make it a healthy competition to the roster? That is, if you’re ok with the idea of dating multiple men…) But, nope! Bob pretty much got dumped via a slow fade out that I thought was classy and gracious but I looked back at my old text messages and realized that I was quite insensitive. Of this, I am not proud.

#WastingTime2016

We all know the right thing to do; if you’re not feeling someone anymore let them go. For the love of God, end it! 

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A few weeks ago, the hashtag #WasteHisTime2016 was trending on social media, and I believe it will probably be the most misunderstood trending subject of the year. I saw it simply described on Twitter as “…made by feminists to describe different ways to waste men’s time” but it is was much more than that. I don’t understand how when men post jokes about cheating on girls, having hoes and finally giving up hoes to settle down with wifey, collective humanity is supposed to jump for joy and shower them with “likes” and accolades. Women everywhere either have the sense of humor and give it a thumbs up, or we smile because we get it, its hilarious …but it also reflects a dating cruelty that’s been done to us and it feels awful to see it play out as some sort of joke on the internet. Waste his time 2016 was our time as women to finally to crack the jokes and have everyone laughing with us and not at us. For me, it was great testament to how strong women can be in spite of how we’ve been shitted on in our romantic lives. We aren’t always the weak ones; more often than not we are strong enough to heal, move on from losers and dare to love again.

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I am definitely an advocate for dating multiple people, keeping it casual, etc—but I do not condone disrespect. There is a way you can date around with no commitment without treating the women you are dating like a smorgasbord of hoes that deserve your inconsistent behavior and ambiguous communications. Why do you have to have a main bitch if you have side bitches? Why not just level with every woman in your life, date casually and if you then want to commit choose ONE and be about that life! If you don’t want to commit then continue on with your lazy susan of women as you please…but it’s just plain wrong to have one woman, that you supposedly like the most, thinking she is your one and only when she is not. If you are treating her like spoiled milk, pour her out. There’s plenty of new milk for you to drink.

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Things I Should Have Never Said and Did When I Expired

I’ve been a sidechick before. I found out after the fact and I truly felt that I was beyond the point of no return and I had no idea how to escape it. My subconscious thought literally was, “I’m in this. I am in love with him now, I can’t leave.” But of COURSE I could! I eventually lived up to the sidechicks dream and became a main but it was the most unhappy, paranoid and insecure time of my life. I didn’t deserve to be with an asshole with a proclivity toward cheating; always worried about who he was texting or what he was doing. Fuck that dude, I was a strawberry kiwi Starburst being treated like lemon!

Ironically, HE broke up with ME…poured me out and allowed me to be free. It was a long time coming but in retrospect I am grateful he let me go. I’m not sure that I ever would have done so myself. I beg of you, when your time comes, when relationship behavior changes and the writing is on the wall, do not be afraid to end things. Also, try not to do or say dumbass things that do absolutely nothing to help your healing process.

Famous Last Lines

-No one will ever love you like I do

Totally not true! Someone probably is currently loving all of my exes better than I could right now at this very moment. The beauty is I don’t care…and I never thought I would even get to that point.

-Social media stalking

Just don’t. I had a huge fight with the boyfriend just the other day and the first thing I did was unfollow him on Facebook. Once things go south in a relationship for me its morphing time and I literally turn into a Power Ranger with a special knack for jealousy and pettiness. So before I lit up his page with immaturity I recused myself. If you break up UNFRIEND (although I really think you shouldn’t follow each other on social media in the first place; do as I say not as I do!)

-I will never fall in love again

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I did; and were my relationship to end I probably would again. Falling in love is easy, remaining in love is the hard part. Trying and working and perseverance is the hard part and the part I think we mourn once relationships end. We resent all that hard work and effort we put into it. The romantic in me believes that someone worth fighting for is always bound to come along if I  am open and free myself from the thought that I am bound to the last person I was with. The practical part of me also knows that there is fulfillment outside of romantic relationships so if I never fall in love again maybe I’ll be a little saddened by that fact but overall I will be just fine.

Relationships from beginning to end are unpredictable. Lets remember to treat each other well, even if it means setting someone free, or making the courageous decision to free ourselves.

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Believe

I am growing a bit tired of myself. Every single day of my 30s it seems I am subject to experiencing something—even if it’s a minor occurrence—that has the potential to upset my world and rock my little foundation that I so carefully put together in my self-righteous 20s. For example, just last night I was perusing a love and marriage blog out of curiosity and boredom. After reading an article about the concept of “soulmates” (romantic or otherwise) I realize that I don’t believe in the idea of soulmates and the hype that goes along with it. Coming to that realization was a little surprising to me and one my friends even said, “Really? You being more of a free-spirited type I would think that you would…”As it turns out; NOPE

Does God really predetermine our lives and place us in the position to receive/meet this soulmate(s)? Or along our path, are we given the free will to make the choice of who to love and how much we will allow our bond to grow and endure with that person? I am not sure. I remember my two most meaningful relationships feeling as if the universe sanctioned our coupling. I felt the satisfying “this is where I belong,” and “this is where God wants me to be” emotions but in the end I feel like those same feelings made the breaking up process that much more difficult. Those very phrases turned into “Why would God do this to me?” and “Now we are not together where do I belong?” In the long run, I ended up fighting so hard for relationships that were not meant to be—and that’s not because the stars didn’t align the right away or I was outside of God’s will—but because it was time for me to choose better and move on. The action and effort that went into moving on emotionally from persons that I believed to be my true soulmates ended up being one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. It nearly killed me.

I still remember sex and intimacy with these men that I felt I was destined by God to be with. It felt impassioned and frantic, exciting and maybe a little scary. On some level, which I could never identify at the time, it felt out of my control. I am only 31 now but I feel I’ve gone through some things; as far as my romantic relationship goes I feel more settled. I am a willing part of intimacy and it is not cosmic forces and divine intervention. Love is not happening to me, I am not falling but I am making the choice to leap. Closeness and sexual acts no longer feel like a chaotic smorgasbord of unbridled emotion and sensations and love is not a place to belong. I always have a place within in me that I can call home. Life is all the more better with him in it but were I to lose him, were we to lose each other, I believe we would be able to find survival in the homes that we built inside of ourselves without missing the remnants we may have left inside of each other.

Regarding love and relationships, all of the things I thought I had such passion and belief in are so far behind me. The special wounds and empty spaces in my heart I never thought would heal or fill are an afterthought. I don’t have a soft spot for these past “soulmates”; I was able to move on and love again. I was able to choose love again, and I am happy that I didn’t succumb to the despair of my past thought processes that maybe I didn’t have much choice about who to love and how. It makes me wonder– what other ideals have I always used to define myself that have since fallen away…?

Urban dictionary

Soulmate: A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet — a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

The Woodwork

The woodwork is the magical place men go to live whenever your romantic involvement with them comes to an “end”. Of course the word end is in quotation marks because maybe things were over for YOU, but most likely not to this asshole.

Because I’m Happy…

I have questioned why almost every man I’ve ever been involved with has magically resurfaced in my life for Round 2, 3, 4 or 5. Just a few days ago I woke up to a missed call at 1 a.m. from a “private” number. I knew exactly who it was because he was always totally weird about the numbers he called me from as if I’M crazy and would end up excessively calling HIM. (-_-) This missed call did not surprise me, however. Now that I am happy with myself and in a positive, fulfilling relationship I fully expect temptation to emerge from the woodwork in full force.

It’s almost as if a silent alarm goes off to let men know when they’re exes are happy, prompting them to then come onto the scene and attempt to pee all over it. The catch, is that as soon as you do break up with your current man and are in a frantic search for a warm body, empty compliments and a free bottle of whiskey, NONE of these jokers are anywhere to be found! Because you’re too desperate—that’s why. THEY only want YOU to want them MORE than you want the current person you are spending all of your time wanting.

Guys be like

Hmm, No thanks

I must admit that I am only human, so I am definitely susceptible to hot dudes coming out of nowhere and showering me with attention, telling me how gorgeous I am and how much they miss me—all of a sudden. The problem is, a simple “Thanks, but no thanks,” will never seem to do with these woodworkers; it almost serves as more fuel to their fire. Personally, I alternate between completely ignoring them OR— if they are particularly persistent—offering to accept a meet up every once in awhile. Arranging to do so probably looks pretty incriminating on paper (texts….Facebook, etc) but I find that it usually sheds light on the fact that these men that have to have me so suddenly badly have not changed at all. They are not back in my life seeking redemption, they just wants to derail my emotions and BLOW MY FUCKING LIFE! My 31 years on this earth (and whopping 3+ years in the dating field) have taught me that men are not above playing with a woman’s emotions. If he can arrive suddenly on the scene and evoke chaos in my world without putting in much of an effort he is winning at life. The inconsistent dude who ghosted me, the jobless dude, the selfish dude who never paid for a single date, the cheater, the liar, the asshole—those dudes have not undouched themselves simply because they took a month to yearlong retreat into the woodwork.

Furthermore, I am currently content with the flawed individual I am involved with at the moment. One thing I know about him is that were we to ever come to an end I probably wouldn’t hear from him again. It sounds twisted to say, but I take great solace and comfort in that fact. We are both a final people: I will fight as long as there is something to fight for but when it’s over I’m not going to drag things out. In this day and age it seems like we just don’t know how to let things go! The people you have left behind you left behind for a reason and it’s not always necessary to go digging into your garbage to try to find a little piece of something good. That guy who sucked 3 years ago STILL sucks! He is actively sucking somewhere as I write this. In fact, he sucks even more if he attempts to swoop back into your life trying to establish himself as someone of importance when he knows he has empty intentions.

I swear, if I ever find where the woodwork is located, this actual place where men seem to hideout until they are ready to pop into your life and run amok with your emotions, I will torch that sucker! OR, at the very least, smoke the place out and shoo them all back into the past where they belong to stay.

Baby...