Why We Hate Tasha

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I am late to the game—as I am with most things—so it’s not shocking at all, that I’ve only now splurged for the HBO add-on to my Hulu account to watch Insecure. It’s always been a show I’ve meant to watch, but close friends of mine are barely getting a text back from me so there’s no way I have time to sit and binge watch a show that already has 1 complete season and a couple of episodes under its belt. But alas, a bout with depression and an overwhelming desire to disconnect from the world took over me and I could skip insert-event -here, and catch up on every single episode.

Here’s a terrible synopsis: Issa made the mistake of cheating on her boyfriend of 5 years (after her needs were not being met for at least two of those years) at a time when her boyfriend was just on the cusp of getting his life together. He sat on her couch jobless, yet supportive of her endeavors BUT still not attentive or aware of how the responsibility of carrying the whole household while being careful not to emasculate him in any way was taking its toll on her. Yes, he turned down the hot girl (Tasha) who hit on him and asked him for a date.

However, I think it’s important to note that he also beamed at this woman’s compliments and, no doubt, somewhere in the back of his mind added value to this woman because she encouraged him. This woman is a stranger who finds it easy to see him as genuinely nice guy and hardworking man NOT as the uncommunicative, unemployed neglecter who has taken too long to commit to his girlfriend who has swallowed her feelings about the relationship for years to prevent irrevocable damage to his ego.

Upon discovering Issa’s affair, her boyfriend becomes angry, they break up, and he immediately starts fucking Tasha. Tasha, played by Dominique Perry who is now reportedly receiving real-live death threats over a totally fictitious story line for a television show! Come one people (-_-) I was triggered by almost EVERY topic covered in each episode of Insecure thus far, however I am aware that it’s not actually real.

But…I get it.

I mean, don’t we hate that girl? The girl who seemingly gets to benefit from all our hard work we put in standing by a man when he’s trying to build something and make some sense of his life…? So, we let him go through his depression, hang out on the couch, never take us on dates and complain about his finances because you know that one-day things will get better. You know this because he tells you and you believe it in your heart because people are generally good and getting cheated on, lied to and dogged out is for your 20s. Your 30s is when you meet someone real and you decide to enter into a partnership and take the time to build something. You don’t waste time in your 30s because everyone is too old for the game-playing. Yet, I have friends in their 40s that I see dealing with fuckery and it never ceases to boggle my mind. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of my thoughts I have concluded that men prey on women with high self-esteem, drain them of their resources to make themselves stronger, then feed that strength and consistency into another source that looks more like the kind of woman they wanted anyway.

And that woman (Tasha in this case) is just accepting the hand me downs of a broken man who still doesn’t quite have his shit together. In a perfect world, black men would take their asses to counseling to maybe delve into the real answers to the question: why do you need your woman to be weak in order for you to feel strong? Why do you need a woman to endure with you and deal with your excessive gas lighting and bullshit before you can finally label her as “the one”? Why do you get to walk around damaged as fuck, destroying strong women in your wake, then pretend to the new bitch like all of your exes were just crazy and it was never your fault that things fell apart in the first place?

Why is it that a woman can bend over backwards to meet your needs and deep down you know you don’t really fuck with her like that but instead of breaking it off you break her with your inconsistency? You start treating her like she is not doing enough for you by not validating her needs and by slowly tapering off your love and affection, replacing it with half answers and no-shows until she wants to rip her hair out in frustration. You cruelly do a slow withdrawal of your love until she is playing scenarios over and over in her mind and wondering how things got to be so awful and pondering what exactly it was that she did to deserve to be treated this way. So, when the relationship finally comes crashing down she is definitely left feeling insecure (ahh, see what I did there) and as if she will never be enough for anyone.

Meanwhile, he is considered blameless in this scenario AND if his lack of affection and desire to meet her needs results in her cheating on him then he is twice the victor because he gets to play victim. She ain’t shit because she cheated. But really, he ain’t shit because he wasted her time. But men aren’t expected to forgive cheating—no one is expected to forgive and endure a cheater (or a neglector, or gas lighter or asshole or abuser) like a black woman is expected to. That’s exactly the mentality that is meant to keep us weak.

Fuck Tasha. Fuck him. And fuck all of you weak ass niggas that don’t put the proper effort into a relationship and then want to act like victims after you pushed the one woman who was trying to hold you down over the edge. Frankly, I am tired of having my loyalty tested and my needs and desires up for debate or option.

When is it time for black men to do better? Enough is enough.

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What You Not Gonna Do

Relationship Killers

If you are reading this, you might want to go make yourself a steaming hot cup of tea because I’m about to dish about my personal life. I always weigh these things and decide just how much I am willing to share for the overall message and purpose of the blog and my underlying thought is that it is always worth it to reveal personal things about my life if especially if it will save a another woman from having to do so. That being said, think of the title of this post as an instructional guide—and I will provide tips not only on what you’re not gonna do but what you should not do when you run into situations such as this.

Back Story

About a year ago I wrote a tongue in cheek blog post about an altercation I had with my boyfriend’s upstairs neighbor called The Price of Slapping A Bitch. The post was basically a tale of one of those frustrating situations of not getting along with someone and wanting badly to invoke the spirits of violence but knowing that you can’t because jail time. Anyway, referenced in the post is the fact that his neighbor left a cheerfully hateful note on the windshield of my car the next morning—and in the post I didn’t reveal all of what she said but I hit the highlights that really irritated me (and was the most fun to write about and rebut). What I did not reveal is that in the note she referred to the boyfriend as “Community dick” and claimed that there was a lazy susan of women rotating in and out of his apartment quite often.

Reasons for not revealing this information:

  • This is the jugular that every woman goes for when they have beef! Second to commenting on how ugly they think you are, they always accuse your man of either cheating in general or cheating with them. The beauty of not being defined by looks or romantic relationship with a male is that these things don’t hold as much weight. As a woman who has been cheated on in EVERY RELATIONSHIP EVER, yes that is my worst nightmare but at the end of the day, you do some yelling and confronting and if there’s no concrete evidence you let it go. Paranoia cannot dictate a relationship.

 

  • Because I’m the fucking police and I know the importance of not releasing all the damn details to the public. I spill lots of tea—who am I kidding, it’s raining tea all over these pages—but believe it or not, I keep some things to myself in an effort to be considerate of privacy.

But I digress, the note was ultimately ignored and forgotten; the relationship continued. Fast forward to January of this year I received a comment on the aforementioned post in the middle of the morning and I go to give it a look. (It’s still there if you want to take a peek). It is supposedly the cousin of the upstairs neighbor who recognized the scenario and then proceeds to warn me of two things: 1. Her cousin will crush my life if she reads the post and 2. That I should pop by the boyfriend’s house to see for myself that he was cheating because I was being played.

NO. THANK YOU.

I was going to save a list for later but I can’t hold it in. WHAT YOU NOT GONNA DO is tell me that someone is going to do me bodily harm over something I’ve written on my blog. If you don’t like it don’t read it, and who the fuck are you that you are going around threatening folks? Because as much as I would love to slap a bitch, there is a lot more value in waiting for a bitch to hit me first so I can sue the shit out of her and pay for my children’s college. Also what you not gonna do is suggest I pop by a nigga’s house to catch him in the act of cheating. To be frank, pop-ups are for losers. Once you’ve reached that point in your relationship you are losing and I refuse to be Nancy Drew over any of this shit. I have things to do, and if he’s cheating he’s cheating and I will either eventually find out OR he’ll do something reckless and I’ll get a horrible STD. Who knows? This is what life and relationships are—you take the risk of loving and trusting someone and you stick with it until proven otherwise. Rude notes and blog post comments are not going to motivate suspicion within me. (Also, fun fact: if you are a first time commenter on the blog I am given the authority to approve or reject your comment; I chose to approve this particular comment because yolo, or whatever…)

Let Me Tell You What A Bitch Did

Fast forward to yesterday I am playing on my cell phone, exhausted from the day’s activities and fantasizing about skipping out on what I had planned for the evening, when I get a request that someone on Instagram wants to send me a picture. Sure! (I was secretly hoping it was my very first dick pic. Disgusting I know, but I feel like there’s some sort of rite of passage in getting your first random dick pic on the internet…anywho). What it was…a screenshot of the boyfriend’s picture on a dating site with a message from a random IG user (hard to trace and private, I tried!) with the message that simply read: FYI.

OK

Is it obvious this is my favorite meme?

I had so many questions! I didn’t get the immediate visceral reaction of “omg he’s cheating” I just kind of wasn’t surprised because the picture was from the dating site we had actually met on and I know my profile pic is floating out there on the same site. Only because it was nearly impossible to deactivate my account so I just hid my profile. Someone could easily screenshot my shit and send it to him and it would look bad but there would be an explanation. I needed more information.

So I requested it. And was immediately given the “What more evidence do you need? If you feel in your heart that maybe he is cheating here is your proof. Pay attention be smart about it and love yourself enough not to be played.”

What You Not Gonna Do

…is drop me a random screenshot of the boyfriend, try to plant a seed of discord in my life and drop the mic. I got questions! First of all, how do you know me? How do you know that this is my dude? It’s not impossible to figure out who the boyfriend is—but it is difficult since we don’t follow or have any links to each other on any social media. So you either have to do some digging or you have to know me personally. What’s your backstory?

You also not gonna condescend to me like you are a loving mentor or big sister. You are a complete stranger and I have no context about your intentions whatsoever. Being smart is not accepting a public photo of your s/o with no other explanation or background about how the pic was obtained, etc. Screenshots of explicit conversations (with number displayed) and dated dick pics are acceptable along with further explanation about who you are. This humanizes you and at the very least makes me more willing to believe this random ass information that you’re supplying me. In 2016, side bitch culture has become the norm, there are plenty of women that have been scarred by the horrors of cheating and are simply waiting on the next ball to drop. Accusing a man of cheating is the easiest thing to do and something you really don’t need a lot of supporting evidence to prove anymore. A woman on the receiving end of the non-information usually just flies off the handle and starts making a list of names of people she wants to fight. As for me and my house, you need more people and more facts.

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There are women that forgive after cheating, and good for them! As for me…

And lastly, what you not gonna do is assume that I don’t love myself because you think and/or know that my man is cheating on me. Holy accountability, Batman! If a man cheats that’s on him, that shit is his choice and my ignorance of the fact does not make me a walking pile of low self-esteem. Furthermore, self-respect and choosing to forgive a partner for infidelity is not mutually exclusive. Women choose to forgive and work on their relationships with cheaters everyday—it is up to the people in the relationship to decide how they will handle such a situation. My eyes were opened to this fact just before my divorce—I thought I was the type of woman to stay in spite of infidelity and work on the relationship but then I slowly came to the realization that it’s not really the type of woman I am. That is my choice and in turn, I don’t look down on the women who decide to stay and work it out. God bless ‘em!

What You Should Do

I write this because the sad reality of life is that people—and dare I say, women specifically (sorry feminists)—are petty and vindictive and some actually want to see you completely fail at life. Revenge is a thing and arch nemeses are no longer just the stuff of comic books. I was driving around a crowded parking lot just the other day and I thought I happened upon an empty space. I darted over to claim it and just before pulling in I noticed an SUV hovering nearby. Not wanting to be the douchebag to steal his space I hesitated to allow the SUV the opportunity to claim it. About three seconds later I heard an angry voice yell “I DO NOT WANT THE FUCKING PARKING SPACE!” And there you have it…

People are assholes that don’t give a shit about politeness your feelings or anything of the sort. And the harsh reality is, if people are given the opportunity to be mean and shit all over your feelings they will choose to do so more often than not. I don’t automatically assume that strange women who approach me are good Samaritans worried about me and my self worth. On some level I believe that these incidents are related to the upstairs neighbor, but when I think about it all it honestly makes my brain hurt. I’m a regular ass woman, I don’t have time for sleuthing I have shit to do—but I will make time to share my experience and leave these thoughts with you.

If you are on the receiving end of this kind of thing my only advice would be for you to think before you act. It has nothing to do with trusting your intuition because when folk are coming at you sideways it fucks your intuition all the way up. You are not acting on a gut feeling but reacting to feelings of anger, hurt and maybe a little bit of embarrassment. No matter what you post on social media, in a blog or tell to friends—no one knows the inner workings of your relationship, how you choose to function, what you will and will not put up with and the reality behind appearances. I reject embarrassment and choose to put my business out there in moments like these in order to connect with others dealing with similar situations. Are there folks reading this shaking their heads and thinking “oh yeah she’s getting played” OF COURSE—but who cares? Those opinions, shaking heads and sounds of sympathy do nothing for my everyday life. I will handle as I see fit and I recommend the same for everybody because in the aftermath of it all the person bringing forward this juicy information never has to deal with the consequences of the events that unfold after the fact.

For those of you on the giving end of this kind of thing, I get it! A man is out there cheating and you are a super hero called to right the wrongs and bring a motherfucker to justice! However, do it like a lawyer and not a superhero. Provide the evidence, statistics, facts and be available to answer follow up questions—my GOD! You are a random woman coming out of the woodwork and accusing someone’s intimate partner of foul play, you are never going to be well received. Do yourself a favor and it keep it short and be precise and exact with how you choose to present the information. Realize that you are not this woman’s friend—this is not the movies and it will not be a meet-cute about how you met your future bff. You are coming in as the enemy by default so be cognizant and respectful of the fact. Wave the white flag of irrefutable evidence because planting a seed of doubt with faulty information is bullshit and will only be seen as shade and sabotage.

By that same token, there is also the option of not saying anything. What’s done in the dark comes to light—trust and believe. Whether you are involved as whistleblower or not that relationship will take the course it is supposed to and that will be that.

This isn’t my first rodeo.

Life goes on.

Cheating is not the end all be all.

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I have dealt with worse drama and yes I’m too old for this shit but that’s life. Bring it and I will handle it. I’m that bitch, and I won’t be harassed or passive aggressively bullied about no dumb shit.

 

 

 

I’m Not Going to Cheat on You

-Because bad sex is a thing. It is a very bad thing that occurs way too often in life and I am not going to trade all of our bomb sex for what could be terrible, very bad, no good sex.

-Because I’m lazy and I don’t like to remember names.

-Because I’m lazy and I don’t like the idea of retelling stories twice.

-Because I’m an introvert and I have no interest in opening up to more than one person.

-Because I eat all of my food. Multiple dinner dates, mean multiple opportunities for me to stuff my face. I will become a house and lose both you AND the side dude and end up starring on the next episode of My 600 Pound Life. (However, on said episode I will be so adorable and vivacious people will love me! I will become a media sensation and my writing will FINALLY take off, propelling me into stardom and success and a life of glorious–oh,  sorry, I digress…)

-Because men have cheated on me before and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain, betrayal and humiliation on anyone.

-Because I have cheated before and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain, regret and humiliation on anyone.

-Because I love you. And in spite of what everyone says, for me, love IS enough.

Top 5 Posts of 2015 – Check it out!!

Clearly, I have yet to fully transition into 2016…check out my top posts of 2015 and click below to see the complete  2015 Annual Report for WG’s Embrace the Crazy Blog!

Thank you to all who continue to read and engage– if you would like to subscribe to my personal newsletter to keep you in the know with upcoming projects, spoken word events and activities please visit my website: www.whiskeyandpoetry.com.

Happy reading in 2016!

 

You See, I’m Very Poor

Let’s Talk About Porn, Baby (Part 2)

Welcome to the Friendzone

#BAE

Pumpkin Eater

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,200 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 53 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Let’s Talk About Porn, Baby! (Part 1)

PART 1 Screenshot

Who watches porn? EVERYONE!

Pornography has been a contentious issue in almost all of my love relationships but now that I’m not 19 years old anymore I feel like I have a much clearer understanding of it. Not to say that I am comfortable with pornography, but because I’ve pushed myself to open up a dialogue about it with my sexual partners I feel more comfortable talking about it here. I seriously have come to the conclusion that I have a vastly different take on pornography itself, it’s purpose and it’s impact on romantic relationships and I am posting this two part series for the same reason I’ve posted everything to this site so far: because I believe that I am not alone in my thoughts and beliefs.

But enough about me… for now. I will share my personal experience in Part 2 of the series, but Part 1 is more about hearing about this topic straight from the horse’s mouth. When one of my follower’s on social media reached out to me and shared that he was an amateur porn star—after I got over the initial shock— I immediately segued into “I must interview you for the blog!” As cheeky as I have been (no pun intended) during promo for this two part series, I have to confess that this interview was not easy for me to do. That being said, many thanks to my gracious interviewee, Thick Biggems*, for putting me at ease and being so willing to speak candidly and share his experiences.

In my opinion there is nothing significantly raunchy in these posts—these posts are not meant to be salacious at all but to be informative and to offer different point of views for a topic that has probably affected lots of people more than they would like to admit or confess. If you are easily offended or know me personally and are clutching your pearls in disbelief at the thought of me writing about such a topic please SKIP THIS POST! Also, because of content alone this two part series is NSFW—if you must, please keep in mind that the blog is a mobile friendly site.

Happy Reading!

(*Thick Biggems is so NOT his actual amateur porn moniker but he said he didn’t care what pseudonym I used for him so I went a little nuts—AGAIN, no pun intended!)

Embrace the Crazy: Ok, so this is bizarre but we’re doing this so—let’s get started! Do you believe that all males watch pornography?

Thick Biggems: Those who don’t there is definitely a difference about them, I know lawyers, doctors and Pastors who—

ETC: Sorry, Pastors?

TB: Yes, Pastors that star in sex videos, that have fetishes, I’ve seen it all. People are human.

ETC: But what about, I don’t know… holiness?

TB: Everybody has skeletons! Laughs. Most men watch porn, how often and why is for all different reasons. Some used to watch it but now they don’t because of circumstances (ie. lack of time or privacy). Some never have and their wives and girlfriends suffer. Some watch it to get that kinkiness out of their systems because they can’t share their fetish. Me? I watch it to learn and I think its funny! The plots are cliche the talent is repetitive, it’s like wrestling— it’s entertainment.

ETC: What age were you when you first started watching porn?

TB: I was 11 or 12. I moved from the city to the suburbs. I was used to going outside to play. It was the first time I had to be inside because there were no other kids outside to play with.

ETC: So it was essentially a result of boredom?

TB: Yeah and being nosy. There was nothing outside to do so I ended up finding my step-fathers porn stash. He had about 15 VHS tapes. Most were several movies recorded on a tape. That was how I learned why he always had fat woman jokes! My mom had never been fat but he watched BBW porn. There was some adult cartoons, which I remember finding on a rainy day. I chose a tape and I went to put it in when my mom asked what I was about to watch. When I told her she quickly grabbed the tape, laughed and said those aren’t the same kind of cartoons. laughs

Those tapes shaped my sex life. I studied them long before I lost my virginity so when I say that I am a professional pussy eater (PPE), I mean it.

ETC: Wow…so you’re 11 years old watching adults on tape… I—

TB: I always had a thing for older women. The women on the tape were older—it caught my attention.

ETC: You knew you liked older women at age 11? So girls didn’t have cooties for you, I guess?

TB: Yeah, I was a natural born freak. I always had a thing for older women, they caught my attention. When I was 12 my mom had a friend that was 24…I was always tryna fuck. I always liked older women.

ETC: Even now? How old is too old?

TB: laughs I guess it depends on how well they are kept up. The oldest woman I’ve been with is now 50. She is an adult magazine model.

ETC: So at what age did you become sexually active?

TB: I didn’t start having sex until 15. Baby Got Back shaped my life! Since then I was watching asses and feeling on asses.

ETC: laughs Wow, so please tell me how one goes about getting into the amatuer porn business? Do you wake up one day and just say “Oooh—“

TB: The people I was hanging with were already into that area of work. At some point you see all these naked women around and they ask “D you want to be in the film?” Shit, why not? For some it can be that easy…others have to solicit themselves to get to that level when all they really need is a camera and an internet connection.

ETC: Ok, so from what I know porn is different when it’s self-directed. It’s worse… like, really bad…

TB: It depends on the fetish. If you want mainstream Hollywood then you’re not going to like it but if you like the girl down the street you will choose amateur porn all the time. There is no makeup and if she’s not feeling it [the sex] then she’s not feeling it. It’s not acting—it’s real and raw. It’s the fly on the wall point of view.

ETC: Assuming the fly on the wall is into human porn?

TB: Right. A lot of people like live shows, that’s all amateur porn is.

ETC: I’m sorry, what do you mean live? It’s like a webcam?

TB: Yeah you can use a webcam. There’s a site where you can set up times and let people know that you’re about—

ETC: About to bang some chick?

TB: Yup, and they can watch live online with you. It’s an extra, added thrill to see how many people you can entertain from all over. There’s a big difference when there’s 10 people watching you, versus 200 people.

ETC: And you’ve had as many as 200 people watching?

TB: Yeah, probably upwards of 200 watching at one time.

ETC: My brain can’t process this.

TB: That was a one-hour live stream. After—

ETC: Hour long sex on camera sounds intense!

TB: Oh yeah, we used to shut that site down! Laughs

Anyway…grab a camera or use your webcam and pick a site to upload it to. It’s always a new site to do it yourself or go to a website, hit the contact button and send an email. Unfortunately, a lot of people get dragged around trying to get into it, they are quickly reminded of the business bottom line and it’s their first and last shot at it.

ETC: Ok, so define amateur pornography? Self directed?

TB: Amateur Porn is anything that is not mainstream. If you are not under contract with one if the major companies, or not making six figures from it you’re an amateur. Yes, you direct it and you are in charge all the way around. You film when and with whom you want.

ETC: So at the time you were doing this were you involved in a romantic relationship? How did that go over?

TB: Yes, it was pretty much the basis of our relationship. Having that much sex with anyone your feelings are inevitably going to get involved a lot more so than when you started out.

ETC: So, you’re a man admitting that sex is directly related to emotional intimacy?

TB: Yeah, the intimacy was live. If you take two sexually compatible people and record it, it is different than recording two “actors” that look cute together.

The type of amateur porn I did is called couples porn. I met a popular online amateur porn actress one day— I knew nothing about her—my roommate knew her and ran a porn site that wanted to hire her. I came home early from work one day, I’m chilling in my livingroom and my roommate comes home. I open the door and it’s him and a slim chocolate girl at the door. Long story short we ended up fucking that night. She told me who she was and that she wanted me to be her boyfriend and stunt cock. I thought, why not? You only live once! We were together for a couple of years and filmed a lot during that time.

On the positive side it was lots of sex, lots of fetishes. She called me Daddy pretty much from day 1 and told everyone that was my name. She had grown men calling me Daddy! We had threesomes and foursomes, she would bring me girls— I had another girlfriend, she had another girlfriend. We actually had a threesome the night we met, she later told me when I opened the door she knew there was something special about me and she would have done anything to have me. When I was with her I lived a lot of men’s fantasies.

The negative is that I lost privacy and sometimes I didn’t want to have sex but it pays so I got to work. You may get noticed so be ready for it! Someone actually sent me a message on my personal porn site and addressed me by my government name saying, “I didn’t know you were a porn star!”

ETC: But overall it sounds like you don’t regret the decision to do porn?

TB: You have one life, no need for regrets I had a lot of fun. Nothing happened to me the whole time. I have a lot of memories and learned a lot of things, laughs.

How many men can say they fucked a porn star and a famous model the same night on more than one occasion and literally never paid a thing?

ETC: What about morality?

TB: What about it? As long as you didn’t hurt any kids or old people and you did no one harm then you didn’t do anything wrong in my opinion. Everything I did is what was asked of me. It wasn’t anything that I insisted on doing.

ETC: So you consider yourself “retired” from the business. What role does pornography play in your life now? Do you watch it?

TB: It’s entertainment and it’s educational.

I learned from a porn when I was 12 that to be great at sex you must become one with your dick. I do penis exercises, I can make it jump dance swing in circles in rhythm controlled. I can give a G-spot orgasm and will turn a lesbian on when she see me in action! Porn is the reason I am great at sex, I have always been freaky, but preferred a lot of sex with one partner instead of sex with a lot of partners. I still watch porn daily but I always keep my eye open for my content now. My significant other knows everything about my past and she watches it daily sometimes too. For the most part that’s it, I no longer cam or promote any of my videos.

ETC: You find pornography entertaining?! Ok, so is it a Kevin Hart movie or are you turned on by it?

TB: It’s more Kevin Hart. I can watch for hours throughout the day and not get hard at all. I’ve been there and done that—I know what happens next.

ETC: Umm, so that’s my point of view with this whole thing. You said you know how it ends, it doesn’t turn you on—so watching routine porn doesn’t make it anti-climactic when you go to have actual sex?

TB: No, it all comes from being a natural freak and working in that industry. I critique it too much to be turned on by it. If I’m turned on by it then it must be really good.

ETC: So physical sex with a woman has not lost its thrill?

TB: No, ain’t nothing like the real thing. If sex is boring, pick up the Kama Sutra!

ETC: The conversation?

TB: No, Kama Sutra.

ETC: Oh, boooo! I was all into it, thinking you were saying to make the conversational bond more interesting and to work on communication to have better sex. But you killed it—you said pick up the Kama Sutra.

TB: From a woman’s point of view, it’s all emotional so the conversation is going to build the climax. But for the dude who is bored in the bedroom— pick up the Kama sutra. From the male point of view, variety is the key to happiness.

ETC: I just keep thinking of the movie “Sex Tape” when Jack Black’s character says the key to keeping it exciting in the bedroom is to remind yourselves why you started fucking in the first place…

But anyway, tell me what advice you have for women who are uncomfortable with their significant others watching porn?

I’m writing this post but I’m not altogether comfortable with pornography at all. I can’t say that I haven’t watched it but I’m not completely comfortable with my man watching it. I’ve had exes that were deeply involved in porn to the point of what seemed like an addiction.

TB: It’s all about having a conversation. Understand why your man watches porn and find out if there’s any wiggle room for compromise. If you can’t talk openly about sex then you’re not ready to have it with that person. Have the conversation and find where can you compromise if anywhere because porn is not for everybody.

ETC: I appreciate you saying that.

TB: As long as it doesn’t get to the point where it’s out of control. If there is something different he’s looking for as far as fantasy or fetish there can always be a conversation. That’s a way to feel included but not include yourself in everything. You have to be non-judgmental about it.

ETC: laughs I struggle with that, I am very judgmental.

So what’s the wildest thing you have ever done during your career?

TB: I drove all the way to New Jersey to smack around a white girl.

ETC: Um wait, what?

TB: There is a fetish where white girls like to be slapped and abused by black men. A man paid me and a friend to come up to New Jersey and slap around white chicks. I thought my roommate was bullshitting me when he told me but I said the next time he goes up there I will go with him. We drove all the way there but the girl changed her mind and backed out at the last minute.

ETC: So you did not get to slap any white chicks that day?

TB: No, did not get to slap any white chicks that day. But, hey I get it—reparations have to start somewhere!

ETC: Wow, I’m going to have to edit that out!

Let me get back on track, what advice do you have for women that are uncomfortable with their significant other’s filming their sexual encounters.

TB: No means: no. It should only be done with complete trust and honesty, but, if you feel funny then don’t.

ETC: Do you believe a woman should be alarmed if their significant other watches kinky pornography? BDSM, fisting, slapping around white chicks…?

TB: Depends on how weird it is. There are levels.

ETC: What would be a deal breaker for you?

TB: Anything with bodily fluids is off limits and OF COURSE children.

ETC: Well, technically semen is bodily fluids.

TB: I mean more like golden showers, scat and throw up—

ETC: Golden showers are off limits? I thought that was fairly common…

TB: I tried once. Some things you’ll just try.

ETC: I’m curious, were you actually in a shower?

TB: Yeah.

ETC: I just wondered about the whole clean up situation…What are your thoughts and feelings about women who watch pornography?

TB: That’s great! It’s a wonderful thing. In a lot of cases it shows how in touch you are with your sexual self.

ETC: I totally disagree!

TB: Well, I said in most cases. There are exceptions to the rule! Not every woman has sexual creativity so you can let porn be your muse. I think women who watch porn are generally less stressed and have a good sense of humor. They also tend to be down to earth and more open minded when it comes to sex.

ETC: I’m a prude. I guess from personal experience, I believe that a sexual experience is more enjoyable for man and woman when they have abstained from masturbation and pornography. Agree or disagree?

TB: The anticipation and anxiety of abstaining can make you cum quickly and very hard. It could also do the opposite and kill your sex drive or make it harder for you to cum—which is why you should know yourself and watch a porn if needed so it can help get you that spark you need. Abstaining from time to time can be good thing but think of your sex drive like a car— you want it to stay running smoothly so at least start the engine and let it run even if you don’t drive anywhere.

A good exercise if you are abstaining from porn is masturbating until you’re about to cum then stopping before you do. This will build up the intensity of your orgasm and if you are a minute-man this might help you add some time on. Sex is fun so always try to make it fun…

ETC: Wow, I feel like I’ve learned a lot—maybe too much laughs

Thank you so much for doing this interview, I very much enjoyed getting the male point of view.

…and there you have it! Possibly an anti-climactic interview but keep in mind that I am no Barbara Walters– this is my very first time doing something like this, AND more importantly, it’s not over! Part 2 of this series is coming at you very soon so check back into the blog to find out my commentary and point of view.

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Pumpkin Eater

Apparently you are supposed to judge others based on the reality and actions they’ve shown and not based on what, deep down, you know to be true. All men are cheaters. They simply cannot help themselves! And maybe 30 years ago it was much harder for them to do so because women were perhaps a little more virtuous and less willing to overstep boundaries, but where does that leave us today? Our society has allowed for this by creating a space for threesomes and open relationships and being ok with labels like “main chick”, “side chick” and “bottom bitch”. There is only one title that I want and will accept in a committed relationship, and that’s “The One and Only.”

My outlook on love has definitely darkened significantly over the last few years, and now because of recent events, I feel that I’m being haunted by my past. The good news is that my daughter’s father is able to visit her more frequently. The bad news is that his presence conjures up a dull aching pain somewhere back in the recesses of my heart that I would rather forget. It’s funny how you can persevere and time can allow you to get over a person, but I truly wonder if you can really ever get over the pain that person inflicted upon you. I still remember being told/coming to the realization that I was just a side piece. I screamed out in shock, which sounds so dramatic, but I felt so humiliated it was almost the same as being physically punched in the face.

The mind is so amazing! I find that I am usually able to bury those feelings away. But as I sit here typing this and crying at 5am in the morning, I fear that the agony of it may never completely die. It sits just beneath the surface, simmering at low heat. The first time her father came to see her about a week ago it was pretty uneventful. We actually get along great and things are generally fine between us. However, a few days later, I fell asleep lying in the arms of JW and I woke up on my back gasping for air in what felt like a mini panic attack. I’d had a nigtmare that JW had confessed to sleeping with someone else and I was trying to wake myself up out of it but I couldn’t move. When I finally awakened I felt that oh so familiar aching and I really just wanted to bolt out of there and go home. Instead, I forced myself to grip his hand and will myself to go back to sleep. He laced his fingers through mine and it was a reassuring feeling, but the uneasiness never went away.

A few weeks just before, I was brushing my teeth in JW’s bathroom and my body stiffened as I noticed a hair on the floor that didn’t belong to me. I felt my body freeze and my brain went into panic mode. How could I escape this? I went back to bed and lay next to his sleeping body saying my final goodbyes in my head. I loved this man who had given me so much in just a short period of time,  but I had to leave him.  Just like the others he could give me all these wonderful things but the one thing I needed most. And if he’s not cheating now, he WILL and I dont have a plan for how to handle it other than to run.

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With my cheating exes I made the mistake of hanging around far too long. I wanted to ask questions–to know why and how and the who, what, where… I think I’m wise enough to know that none of those details matter now. I don’t have any desire to hang around and torture myself with information that’s not going to change my bottom line. If you cheat, I will be gone without a trace. This time it would be harder than before–a seriously tormenting struggle. When you are elevated to the position of queen, it is a long way to fall when it’s all over. But I would jump from that pedestal in a heartbeat, because who wants to suffer and be told they are not enough when you’ve been devoted to that person the whole time? I grew up with the pleasure of watching my father love my mom, solely, and I don’t think it’s asking too much to want the same for myself.

Anyway, that day JW woke up and noticed my suffering. We talked things through and the logical explanation was given for the hair in the bathroom. I accepted it with fear in my heart, but I still worry. He shows his love for me everyday, goes out of his way to make me smile, waits for me with my favorite whiskey and cups my face in hands and tells me I’m beautiful. But I still worry and it is completely unfair. Past lies and betrayal continue to haunt me even subconsciously and it’s taking a great effort to make sure that I don’t let any of the others that come after reap what the men before them have sown. I wish I knew the right way to convey the message of how a woman can forever be robbed of her security as a result of careless cheating.

Side chick,  main chick, jump off, bottom bitch– it doesn’t matter how you phrase it or how we as women pretend to grin and bear it: no one likes a pumpkin eater.

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(Un)COMMITTED

Vocabulary word of the day: UBC (Uncommitted but committed): An uncommitted relationship with no “title”, where the two people involved have sex seemingly exclusively but have the unspoken option of seeing (having sex with) other people

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I have been avoiding covering this topic for the longest time…but it’s been a prominent practice in my life that has been driving me absolutely crazy for the past few years so I probably should address it. I am back and forth between weight loss and dating topics these days, and I know it sucks but let me explain. I never had to worry about these things before and I’m freaking out!! I’ve mentioned that I’ve always been either plus 30 pounds or minus 30 pounds. I simply enjoyed the slim moments and mourned during the fatty fat ones. Now that I’m closing in on death’s door (turning 30) I have to actually take care of myself and get my weight under control. So, now that I’m dating I need to get that under control, as well. I never thought I would have to worry about it because for some lame reason I expected to be MARRIED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! Anyway, all that to say that I am a struggling ball of anxiety when it comes to dating and because of the new “uncommitted relationship” trend, I’m fucking things up big time.

What is the UBC relationship? Honestly, it’s a Godsend for people like me who are free spirited and indecisive, but what it really is: a modern dating cop out. Maybe around 20% of single 25 and olders aren’t interested in relationship titles but the remaining 80% are full of shit or trying to play it cool (you can quote me on that statistic). It’s old-fashioned peer pressure! “Oh, he hasn’t really given us a title or called me his girlfriend but we hang out all the time and I’m cool with it because he doesn’t have time for anyone else.” (-_-) I don’t know much, but I do know the culmination of dating books, guy advice and life experience tell me that when a person likes you they want to lock it down. If I want to be with you, your penis is mine and it better not even face the direction of another woman. Why would I be ok with you spending all your time with me but still technically a free agent and able to sleep with other women? No, I’m showing up to the draft, I have a jersey with your name on it and you are on MY team! BUT, most people preach about UBC’s and have opinions on it, warn against it and blah blah blah, but I’ll just tell you how I’ve been on both sides of it and if you can identify with any of these scenarios maybe my experiences will be of some warning to you.

Where There Is A Flame Someone’s Bound to Get Burned

So I think we all know that almost immediately after my separation from my husband, I rekindled a romantic involvement with someone from my past. We spent time together, we fell in love, we came, we saw—he had a girlfriend. As painful a revelation as this was, my desire to make things work with the new father of my second child and my blinding love for him made me try my best to work things out. So you would think walking around pregnant with someone’s child and being madly in love with each other would make up the ingredients for the perfect committed relationship…yeah, not so much. What it was, is that I was in love, I needed someone to be there for me while I was pregnant—and yes, I wanted sex, so who better to give it to me than the one who impregnated me in the first place? My emotions were high after all we’d been through and my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I even had men trying to date me while I was pregnant but I chose to stay in a sucky UBC thing with my child’s father because I was hoping that things would work out and eventually blossom into an actual relationship.

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Image from: letsrollforums.com

What it blossomed into was a shameful and oh so stupid part of my life. I allowed someone completely into my soul and body without laying basic groundwork. He came to spend time with me and rub on my pregnant belly, while texting other women he was having romantic relationships with. It tore me apart. No woman should ever have to feel that way—but I take responsibility for my part in it. It was a stupid situation and it wasn’t fun and it wore down my self-worth. We would spend time together but I couldn’t be his friend on any social media, much less tag him in a picture. I lived in fear of visiting where he lived because I knew I would run into some woman he was involved with, or have to face an awkward introduction “This is my friend…mother of my daughter…” It really was just awful. In the beginning, pre-pregnancy, I was a little pleased with the situation. I was just getting over my ex-husband and I wasn’t sure if I should be involving myself with anyone and I just wanted to be free. I wanted a companion and someone to love but I didn’t want the harrowing title of “relationship”. Of course, as circumstances unfolded it was clear the “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” fling was going to come crashing down, hard.

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Image from: quotes-lover.com

Years later we eventually did try to be together as boyfriend and girlfriend, but at that point it was mainly because we were sleeping with each other and we didn’t want the other sleeping with someone else. Some men have a thing about possession, and they want to get you into these UBC relationships, but what they really mean is that they don’t want to be committed to YOU, but expect you to be faithful to them. I’ve been a fool for love plenty of times, but I don’t like double standards so while I was in this UBC I always talked to other dudes and kept my options open (except for when I was pregnant). Anyway, needless to say we didn’t last. I think what makes dating so tough nowadays is that temptation is always there because people don’t have boundaries anymore, and even less people have self control. I couldn’t stay in a relationship and build trust with a person who continued to hang around and correspond with ex-girlfriends and women he had previously been involved with. I know there are women that can, and kudos to them, but I needed more security—and apparently without it I fall apart.  There is no security in a UBC situation.

Hello Irony, My Old Friend

Sooooo, I’m trying to think of how to explain how it makes sense for me to be on the cusp of another UBC relationship, but there is no real logical reason. I guess things started off with two things: 1. My realization that I am open to getting married again and I would like to settle down at some point in the future. 2. Falling madly in like with an awesome guy with whom things won’t seem to work out with! This guy and I were maybe lightly involved at the most, and I did my best to leave things open for him, but women often make fools of themselves waiting around for men who turn out to not be that interested in them in the first place. I waited around for the last guy and missed out on some great things because of it. I can’t allow myself to gamble like that again. So, on the scene walks another guy 8 years my junior, a little rough around the edges but comes in a pretty package and is saying all the right things. He’s infatuated with me just the way I am and wants to be my boyfriend. I cannot commit.

This is insane! This beautiful boy so full of life, he thinks I’m strange and he wants more of it, he wants to own it—and I just can’t allow myself to go there with him. I have one million excuses as to why it can’t work but at the end of the day I have to ask myself if I’m just being scared. It absolutely sucks to be the person implementing a UBC relationship. However, I feel the best thing I can do is just remain completely and brutally honest with him about why I’m not ready to take things to the next level. I had an honest conversation with him and let him know that my heart is not completely in it and I don’t know if it will ever be. I’m unemployed right now; I’m focused on taking care of my babies, finding a new career and my writing. I’m introverted and not used to spending so much time with someone and it’s taking me awhile even to adjust having someone in my space. Finally, I am actually interested in marrying again so I have to ask myself if I should be spending time with a 21 year old. For me, it has nothing to do with wanting to have crazy sex with a bunch of different guys but more to do with just being indecisive in general.

I can whisper this to you all: I did not tell him that I have feelings for someone else or that I AM in fact, terrified! My horrible truth is that the twisted and broken part of my heart truly believes that a UBC relationship is the best way to make sure a man never cheats on me. If we are not officially “together” anyway then I can just up and leave if I find out he slept with someone else or found someone else. AND, it’s not considered cheating because it wasn’t locked in in the first place. This is why the blog is called Embrace the Crazy, because clearly my thought processes are not that normal. I know firsthand that an uncommitted but committed relationship does not personally work for me, yet I’m kind of in the middle of one!!! That is the definition of insanity—but I absolutely can’t pretend that I know what I’m doing. The only thing I really have going for me is my honesty. At the end of the day at least I can say that I never led anyone on and I’ve been uncomfortably upfront about where my heart is so that anyone who wants to involve themselves with me will know that they’re dealing with a fairly messed up individual.

I hardly have any constructive advice on this topic, which is another reason why I’ve avoided it so long. However, I do know that as a person that is all over the place in thought and action, the uncommitted but committed relationship definitely works to my advantage at this moment. It doesn’t test me or challenge me to make any final decisions and it’s really just a cop out that helps to perpetuate my fear of something real. The inner me doesn’t like relationship titles, I like to be free in everything I do and if I didn’t have my moral foundation and my children to be an example for I would probably just live with the man I fall in love with and never get married again. But what I’m doing now is not the same thing and it honestly makes me feel a little guilty. My emotions are split. I have to get my life together and I am not sure what I want or even what I should want at this point.

I should be committed…