Author’s Note: I wrote this entry awhile ago and didn’t have plans to post it so soon, but I think it is a great follow up to Black Women Don’t Cry. Sometimes the issue with reaching out to others is that I have a tendency to form co-dependent relationships. Everything in life is about finding your balance.
I sat in my raggedy old car with my one year old in the backseat, and the thought occurred to me that perhaps I had gone overboard this time. It was 2am in the morning, but my man needed me– so I was there…70 miles away from my house…with a baby in the backseat…needing to be to work in a few hours.
That night I realized that passion is beautiful in increments, almost NEVER full force. I mean, I read and LOVED all the damned Twilight books but there was more than one moment when I thought to myself “Calm the fuck down, Edward. Just calm down.”
It is one thing to be on the brink of jumping off of your balcony and calling the one you love so he can be there for you while you sob wordlessly on the phone– it is quite another to show up to his house in the middle of night just because he was having a bad day and you felt he needed you. Furthermore, you can’t call everyday to sob. You can’t text mental health updates when you wake up in the morning, you can’t spend the night clinging to his side in bed while he barely has room to breathe and you absolutely CANNOT steal the covers in the middle of the night (but perhaps that’s a separate issue). The point is: finding someone who embraces you and helps you to cope with your mental anguish and inner insanity is a gift that can be easily be abused. And personally for me, it is not what I need in order to thrive. I operate better when I draw strength from within and present myself as whole person, instead of someone that needs to be pieced together within a relationship. (I’ve learned through trial and error that I function better as an “I complete me and you complement me” kind of person.)
At the time, I had never felt a love so intensely so the most natural thing to do was to express it to the fullest of it’s power. Yeah…no. People like their freedom and no one wants to feel imprisoned by your feelings for them. Every one of us has that friend that is the neediest of all needies, bringing you down with just a downward eye glance and a heavy sigh. No, shut up…don’t be that friend! Being a mess is exhausting, but I have come to realize that it’s my burden to bear and not anyone else’s. I had to come to the realization that I don’t need to share EVERYTHING with the person I’m closest to. I know that there is something within me that makes me a bit melancholy every once in awhile. There is a gut-wrenching sadness that takes over me when the baby drops her pacifier and I’m carrying an armful of grocery bags up the stairs and I can’t pick it up. I want to drop everything and curl up into a ball and die. I am totally positive that there is medication for that, but there’s also growing a pair of balls and dealing with depression head on. (In addition to this, there is the fact that I don’t have health insurance at the moment– but that’s neither here nor there…)
Anyway, the very recent decision has been made to dial back my intensity a WHOLE lot. I’m trying to be more deliberate in my approach to friendships, and in dating as my emotions begin to develop, especially since women are sometimes notorious for oversharing and leaving men with the WTF face. I have bad moments, but most of them are manageable and there is no need for me to stress out the people in my life who care most about me. It is always a blessing to have a support system in your life whether it be a friend, a significant other, a pet…but leaning too hard can wear relationships thin. Sometimes your dog wants to play fetch NOT hang his head in your lap while you cry AGAIN. And the craziness in life is that we often feel isolated and lonely but that’s not the same as facing your hardships alone.
I threw everything into my significant other searching for healing but it was self-absorption that only made for a lopsided and co-dependent relationship (among various other problems). I’m trying to get my emotions back on track again by dealing with the everyday little things on my own, and leaning on friends only when it’s absolutely necessary for me to get out of my head. The damsel in distress thing works for fairytales but after awhile it gets real old and Bella’s needy ass starts to work on Edward’s eternal nerves. I don’t want to be a Bella. Intensity is moving and passion is beautiful, but it’s also overwhelming. I believe romantic love and any kind of affection for a person is truly a gift but I realize because of my sensitive heart I can be a little too intense, and that’s certainly NOT everyone’s cup of tea.
I hereby resolve to dial things back. I need to spend some time out of my head and attempt to let life and emotions progress “normally”. I’ll be sure to keep you posted on how everything goes 😉