A few weeks ago I looked over the shoulder of one of my guy friends watching as he used his phone to lurk on the social media pages of pretty girls. One women was gorgeous in the face but as we scrolled through her Instagram page it became obvious that we weren’t going to find any full shots of her body (obviously much more his concern than mine). “Oh, you know what that means? She’s a plus-sized woman.” He said matter of factly.
Needless to say, this bothered me and thus the idea to exploit myself during my own vacation was born. I knew that I was finally going to visit some friends in a warm climate where I couldn’t avoid the ugly truth of hot weather clothes and bathing suits. On top of this, these friends had less than a year ago won a fitness contest and have nearly perfect bodies so there was a considerable amount of anxiety and body self-consciousness starting to creep up in the back of my mind. How had I gotten myself into this one?
Based on the way I dress and the sometimes outrageous way I carry myself, most people assume that I have confidence leaking out of my pores. The absolute truth– obvious if you read the blog– is that I’m the largest I’ve ever been in my entire life (size 14/16) and definitely not happy about it. Shit, I wasn’t happy when I was at my smallest because compared to all those other compact women with the shapely booties I was still missing the mark and I felt it. It was only recently that I adapted the attitude that it’s important for me to always aspire to reach my weight goals but in the meantime there is nothing wrong with learning to appreciate and present my body for what it is. So in the spirit of my newfound philosophy, she who does not take pictures (my tribal name) decided to stop being so self conscious for once and go out there and live without comparing myself to other women for once. The end result: I had a blast!
I received a lot of support posting some of these random pics on social media and I was glad. Aside from the flattering feeling it brings when people “like” your posts and show you their approval–my main reason for doing this is because I never would have in the past. I found vacation pictures from years ago and I flipped through each image lamenting the fact that I looked so fat and ugly. This time around I just wanted to be able to look through my old pictures and remember that I had an awesome time.
Something about living carefree and even spending time on the nude beaches of Lake Tahoe taught me that life is about enjoying each moment and not being so fixated on the thoughts of others. My body is far from perfect and I find that society is usually receptive to body types that are smaller thus more pleasing to the eyesight but until I get to the size I want to be it certainly doesn’t mean I have to cover up like a nun and be ashamed. I can only hope that one other person sees this and identifies with my common struggle. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I definitely feel that I should be among the people that holds myself in high regard no matter what size I wear and if I’m wearing makeup or not. There are enough people in this world to tear me down over shallow matters– I refuse to join them.
Vocabulary words for the day:
Potent- short for potential bf; love interest
Suburban- hot male at least 6’ or taller, over 200lbs
I’ve decided to make eating right and weight loss my latest obsession. Unfortunately, I have a short attention span so I have to make myself become obsessed with it in order to try to take it seriously and see results. Furthermore, I think I’m going to make a deal with the devil and join my local gym (booooooo!) But the main reason behind any sort of diet plan that I’m involved in is: looking good naked.
The Right Fit: Going through the list of exes, and potents it’s clear that I have no rhyme or reason about size and fit. For a brief stint I went through a “suburban” phase because awesome. I am 5’ 7” myself and even at my smallest size I am not a tiny girl SO, of course it’s nice to curl up next to a strapping Suburban that can throw you around and still tower over you when you wear your 6” stilettos. However, lately I’ve found myself reverting back to my high school tastes—the little guys are just doing it for me now!
Not long ago, I went to meet a friend for drinks in the city and, like a true mom that doesn’t give a damn, I threw on yoga pants, a cutoff sweatshirt and still had on that morning’s makeup to complete my “look”. I got a couple beers in and on one of my many trips back from the bathroom I notice a gorgeous young man sitting in the once empty barstool next to mine. As I returned to my seat, he looks me up and down and says, “Hey, Beautiful”. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA–sorry, that was my initial reaction inside of my head. I gave him a tight smile and quickly turned my back to him. Yeah.right. This guy was way too gorgeous, way too young and he was about my height and looked like if I tried to sit on his lap he would snap in half. What the hell? Anyway, fast forward to me being in a particularly friendly mood and this guy actually ended up becoming a potent. Later I had to ask him why he would even dare hit on me while I was clearly WEARING PAJAMAS IN PUBLIC. His response: “Your ass was just so phat and it was hanging off the barstool—I just had to talk to you.” Wait, what?
Mo’ Booty, Mo Problems: Somewhere in the land of crazy black dudes this all makes sense to them! I can put on my tightest dress and walk by a group of 6 guys; 4 will whistle and comment that I’m “phat as shit” (good) and the other 3 will shake their heads and consider me just plain fat. (And I’m not bad at math, I know 4+3= 7 not 6, but when it comes to checking out women there always seems to be one straggler that joins the crowd and wants to insert his opinion, too). For whatever the reason, the more weight I gain the smaller the guy I attract. The greatest thing I have to fear in losing weight is losing my sex appeal…wait, what? While it is great to put on a few pounds and still get male attention, I know that I can’t be the only one confused about this phenomenon. There’s a joke I read on Twitter the other day: I hope to one day have as much confidence as a plus sized black woman. Plus sized black women are simply confused individuals, so the safest thing to do is to at least be confident about it…I say this speaking as one myself. Though I still buy regular sized clothes, so I don’t really consider myself one—but I’ve had other women refer to me as plus-sized. I’ve had guys refer to me as thick, or on the lighter of side thick, or phat or WHATEVER! I really just…don’t…know. But I do know that my ass and boobs will shrink back to their normal size and with it will go this newfound mojo I’ve discovered with hot, lean guys. All those lanky bones, flat stomachs and sinewy physiques—sighhhhhh, but I DIGRESS!
Confidence is Close to Loveliness: What I do know is that my confidence and self-esteem is at an all time low. In spite of all the extra attention I have been getting from males, the fact of the matter is that I am no longer comfortable with my body at this current weight. I appreciate that there are men out there that don’t mind that fries and a four-piece nugget come along with this shake, but the fact that I’m not happy means I need to do something about it for ME. I suck at discipline but I am going to try…and I’ll try not to sob when my friends look at me and ask, “What happened to your ass?”