What About Your Friends?

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In my adult life I am finding that I’m struggling with how to juggle friendships more and more.  I mean, when you’re younger things are fairly easy: who you spend most of your time with is usually your best friend. Following by those rules, I suppose a few months ago my brother would have qualified as my best friend. He is my roommate, we are forced to coordinate schedules and plans and he was the first person I debriefed with when I came home from work. But now, through no easy transition, the person who knows most about my daily thoughts, opinions and emotions as well as gets most of my time is JW. Do I consider him my best friend? Definitely! But where does that leave everyone else?

Letting Go of Luxuries

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Here I am again, saying what no one else will ever admit or say: friends? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Of course I am only joking. I just believe that it’s not only nice but very necessary to have low maintenance friends. For whatever reason, I seem to be a magnet for the, “You didn’t respond to my text,” or “We haven’t hung out in a week,” type. Quality time = yay! but its frustrating to be categorized as a bad friend because I just simply can’t put in alot of facetime. The legitimate excuse is that I’m a single mother with a full time job, writing side hustle and relationship to maintain. Perhaps the illegitimate excuse is that more often than not in the free time I do get all to myself I just don’t want to be bothered with trivial things like putting on clothes let alone hanging out.

In my younger days I was that flaky asshole that disappeared from the face of the Earth for long periods at a time, then returned to the friend circle when I felt I had the energy to properly engage. Now I just tell people what it is straight up and make no excuses. I love you but I simply cannot give 100% at this time. It is not in my budget for dinners and movies and catching up and I am in the process of finding a larger place to live but because of space issues I don’t even feel comfortable having company at my apartment.  In those rare moments when the stars do align and I find myself having sufficient funds, the energy to socialize and the free time, I do hit my friends up for a hangout and am immediately given shit for only contacting them for quality time on my schedule. Sighhhhhh, this is so confusing! Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do! I don’t know how to win and I’m losing friends left and right because of it.

Blurred Lines

I know that society as a whole is made up of a bunch of hardcore gangstas that continue to do remarkably well in highly intense emotional situations. I am truly impressed by all the Internet memes I see carrying a tough and calloused message about a past relationship or boasting of cutting off people you don’t fuck with. Kudos to all of you but I have to say for me personally, the past 18 months of watching my friends list dwindle down to the low single digits has been hurtful. My thirties have already been tough. 

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I’m smart enough to have learned that not everyone is your friend. The people who make you laugh and loan you $5 for lunch and the co-workers that you keekeekee with in the break room can be the same people that would refuse to spit on you if you were on fire. What I wasn’t smart enough to know or realize until recently is that sometimes you grow out of friendships or have to give it up because of unforeseen circumstances.

Not long ago, I had to make a painful decision to let go of a friend that was basically a sister to me. To the outside world looking in I am a complete douchebag for doing so but it was a decision I had to make for my psychological well being. I made a bad decision to be messy and became romantically involved with her close relative– that was a mistake on me. One rambunctious child and a whole world of heartbreak later I realized that a major reason I couldn’t break away from the depression the situation put me through is because I was too close to her (and his family) and I was struggling with the blurry lines and fuzzy boundaries. It is already a difficult task to heal or forgive someone that has broken you but I was making my life more tumultuous by surrounding myself with my ex lover’s biggest fans every single day. I knew too much information about his personal life and it was nearly impossible for me to ignore the position he had put me and my child in by continuing to lie and not taking responsibility for shitty actions. The tension within me began to build.

I eventually reached a breaking point and every time I spent time with this friend I wanted to scream, “HOW IS THIS OK? HOW CAN YOU CONTINUE TO LET YOUR FAMILY DO THIS TO ME AND MY CHILD AND YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND? DOESN’T ANYONE GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME?!” The painful answer to that is: sure, but only to a certain extent. Blood is always thicker than water for most people so when it came time to battle, draw a line in the sand and to choose sides I was out on a limb by myself. That’s totally fine, but it wasn’t something that I could cope with– I am on the side of my wellbeing and I choose to stand with people I know are rocking with me as well. I made the controversial decision to cut ties with her and the entire family. You can’t always get what you want…

Shout out to all of those people who feel nothing when they have to completely delete someone out of their lives for whatever reason. As for me, I feel the pain of it everyday.

No New Friends

As a whole, I don’t think anyone is really aware of just how much friendships change and grow over the years. Furthermore, I don’t think people understand that this is ok. The days of slumber parties and all night talks are pretty much gone and juggling life goals, dreams, CHILDREN, etc. adds in extra complications. I feel like I spend the majority of my time with friends apologizing for not being a better friend and this may sound terrible but: I don’t want to do it anymore. I  narrow my friends list down to those that understand that I love them very much and am willing to bend in times of need but for the most part I can’t be a Gayle to anyone’s Oprah until I achieve a little more balance (and/or the kids grow up and move out of the house!) I don’t know if this is the right way to handle things but I’m not sure of how else to go about it.

I am thankful for the people in my life that understand that I am simply doing the best I can to achieve balance. I pay it forward as much as I can, I’m just too exhausted to do much more :-/

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Bread, Beer and Fapping

… not necessarily in that order, but these are definitely 3 things I need to get rid of in my life. So, I think I’m going to fast from the triplets for a month in some feeble attempt to lose some weight and find better ways to relieve my stress find enlightenment.

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Bread and Beer
…are throwing my ph levels off and doing nothing to help me lose my belly. It is really a shame that the MOST REFRESHING THING EVER after a workout is a cold 40 oz of MGD (try not to judge, will ya?)  Last summer I did the whole Plus Sized Fun posts about my half naked vacation with my hot best friend and her hot friends and it was cute or whatever BUT showing up chubby to the nude beach is cute only once. The next year it’s like, Ok B, you gotta get your life together!  And this is why God hasn’t blessed me with an abundance of cash because it might sit in a college fund for the kids for a few days (tops) before I withdrew it all to get one of those amazing surgeries where they take awful fat on your body and place it somewhere awesome.

Furthermore, I assume that the novelty of the chill girlfriend that sucks down 24 oz Milwaukee Best Ices has just about worn off.  I have nightmares about finishing a can and him looking over at me like, “OK you gonna do some sit ups now?” (He would never say that because he’s great and encouraging and loves my body the way it is… but still…) I just have to DO BETTER! I lack discipline and I need put some sort of plan in motion to gain some sort of control over my life AND I need to change my bad lifestyle habits as a huge big ups to Jesus for blessing me with all this happiness stuff.

So the bread and beer is the first to go because it will be the hardest. If I can overcome this, even briefly, then the world is my fucking oyster.

Fapping
Ok…so this is kind of gross, depending on who you are, but let me be candid– as is my way. A problem I deal with, and maybe I am not alone in this, is that I pick up bad habits from whoever my romantic muse is at the time. As I get older I think I am learning that I need to pay more attention to the people around me and how they influence my behavior. I started off my dating life as the goody two shoes church girl that was all about that missionary position, and have ended up the swinging from the chandelier girl. After sexual partner/failed dating attempt number 4 or so I just became so desensitized to the VALUE of sex and so accustomed to the frequency of the act without the substance. I am aware that nowadays taking your sexuality into your own hands and being in touch with yourself (pun intended) means that you are the ultimate feminist. No women should have to wait on a man for her pleasure! A friend even told me that she has a co-worker that keeps a vibrator at work and has suggested she do the same—I suppose this is liberating.

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Listen, not to sound judgy but that woman is a psychopath. No one NEEDS a vibrator (or any tool for sexual stimulation) at their place of work. Isn’t that the kind of thing that George Michael got arrested for? And anyway, I’m sure vibrators are splendid (not a fan, personally) and two finger stimulation is WONDERFUL, but it is not the same as intimacy with another person and if you’re not careful—like me—it can become a release that you crave just to relieve stress. I should be in the gym relieving stress, or cooking or something, I don’t know. Now that I have a steady sexual partner I’m kind of feeling like it’s a damn good time to attempt to eliminate fapping out of my life permanently. I’m not knocking those that have to have their dailies, but I think it’s a good time for me to kick the habit. Sex is entertaining, so naturally this is a fun time to be in America and basking in the glow of our oversexed culture—but I don’t want it anymore. Also, I’d be interested to see the impact it would have on my current sex life, and if it could possibly help me to restore some of the reverence I’ve lost by engaging in casual sex.

But these are just thoughts, I really have no idea. Time will tell how this works out for me, and I will be sure to journal my thoughts throughout the month long fast. And OF COURSE, if anyone would like to join me on this quest you can feel free to update me about your experience in the comments section.

Yikes

 

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

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Wow, I am truly honored to accept this award and I thank fellow blog sister Beckysonnet130 (Check out her blog: Creativity Is Key) for nominating me!

The best thing about blog awards is that you are nominated by fellow bloggers–this award in particular is for those you find inspiring, or who bring inspiration to those who read their work.

Rules of Acceptance are:

Display the Award Certificate on your website
Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award
Present the award to deserving bloggers
Drop them a comment to tip them off after you’ve linked them in the post
Post 7 interesting things about yourself

My nominees

Purple Paintbrush – this is my BFF’s blog about making and sharing art. It inspires me to create and keep going even when I bore myself. I decided to start blogging because she paved the way in deciding to share her talent through the blogging experience.

Gotta Find A Home – I admire this blog, and I truly have a special place in my heart for the plight of the homeless.

Things My Ex Said – this blog is hilarious and something I endlessly browse and laugh at. It makes me feel safe knowing I’m not the only one dealing with crazies in the dating/relationship world.

 

Seven Interesting Things About Me

1. I am obsessed with surrealist painter Salvador Dali, and I celebrate his birthday (May 11) each year.

2. I call my laptop my boyfriend.

3. I tried to write the story of my life but had to stop because my 20s seemed too unrealistic.

4. I was a 7th grade county spelling bee champ and I still take my title seriously today….

5. I actually believe in love at first sight.

6. I am a shoe and mascara whore– you can never have too much of either

7. I fall in love a little each time I meet someone new 🙂

As Long As My Bitches Love Me

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I was in the grocery store with one of my closest guy friends, in the check-out line after spending our entire shopping time talking about the latest woes of my love life. I was knee deep in the online dating lifestyle and I still couldn’t figure out what exactly I was getting out of the situation. My online messaging system seemed to be going off nonstop and before I could respond to one I was receiving a message from another. Meanwhile, the guys that I actually corresponded with on the phone didn’t seem to be really doing anything but randomly checking in with me. My reaction to this was like a crack addict looking for the next high—I was beginning to feel like I needed to cycle in a new batch of men to satisfy my need for attention!

I pushed the cart through the store lamenting to my homie that I would really kill for a guy that could type a full sentence, complete a whole thought or at least offer to take me out to dinner. I don’t know at what point I became one of those high-maintenance, whiny chicks but it had happened sometime during the course of my “internet stock” going up with this online business. I was on fire—what was there to complain about? Well, on top of all of these guys in the virtual world of OKCupid, there was one actual real-live guy I was striking out with at that moment. I met him at a party and in my drunkenness I suppose I completely forgot that to some degree life is still high school.

He walked into the room and my heart skipped a beat and that was a wrap. We exchanged numbers and I was hopeful but things weren’t necessarily going as I planned. It was about two months after our initial meeting and according to MY timeline we should have been on a picnic somewhere with lush green grass feeding each other grapes; congratulations to me; I have won at dating and life. But no, I was stuck in texting limbo with the dude and worried that it was a result of my being completely unaware of his “street value”. Here I am thinking I’ve picked up a quirky painting at a flea market and it ends up being a fucking Picasso (-_-)  I didn’t think about looks enough, I only knew what appealed to me in that moment and I had overlooked the fact that the striking features of his face and waist length dreads meant that he appealed to every woman and their mother. Damn, I got bitches? No, I’m pretty sure this dude had bitches.

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This is how I imagined it, anyway… (Image from Hustle and Flow npr.org)

By the time we reached the check-out line I was on a full-fledged first world problems rant. (I’m not even sure if my friend was even listening to me at this point). Why can’t I have what I want? Why would it be so far-fetched that the hot guy from the party would be interested in me? Sure, he only contacted me maybe once a week if I was lucky and he responded to my texts at the lightning speed of 24 hours later—but what does that matter?! Clearly there was more to his story than meets the eye. Why must I assume that all his spare time is spent fucking bitches when he could very well be gardening, working, exercising, sleeping or lying in a ditch somewhere—and everyone knows that ditches have terrible cell service… I pose these questions to my friend and before he could even open his mouth to respond to my ridiculousness my text notification went off.

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This is similar to the texts I received and how I always wished to respond..(Image from veryhilarious.com)

I looked down at my phone and it was text from the hottest of my OkCupid guys. Without missing a beat I held the phone up to him triumphantly and declared, “Man, who cares about what you think— as long as my bitches love me.” No exaggeration, I literally said this (dork) and of course we started singing the song and acting stupid right there in the grocery store line—it was a fun time. BUT, the underlying and dangerous undercurrent of what I had spoken lingered in the air and it spoke volumes. I was on a power trip and I was seeking gratification through the attention of random men I barely even knew. This was not good…

I’m Not Josie Grossie Anymore

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Gif from: susandennard.com

I can tell you exactly where all of this anxiety and confusion was coming from— residual bs from high school. At the time I was living it, high school sucked but looking back on it now I think of it as pretty awesome. Those not making fun of me were paying me no attention at all so I decided early on to just do whatever the hell I wanted to do anyway. It was extremely freeing to dress, talk, act, look however I wanted and fly just underneath the radar. Of course I wasn’t completely immune and sometimes had to withstand the harsh judgment of my peers but it only really taught me to be more individualistic with a tough edge. …The downside of individualism? No guy in general or guy I was interested in bothered to pay attention to me or reciprocated my feelings.

Fast forward more than ten years later as one of the most good looking guys I’ve ever dealt with stroked my hair and called me a “sexy porn star looking woman” I realized I had arrived. Had I really? No. (Especially since from what I’ve seen porn stars are not really all that great looking. Not that I watch porn—I digress!) I still look the same with more jiggles and creases than ever before— it has nothing to do with how you look and every bit to do with how you carry yourself. Or at least it must because I have no other explanation! As I told a friend a few days ago, I’m thinking of this as my “season” and I’m not going to question it I’m just going to ride the wave and go with the flow!

The only problem is, in going with the flow I managed to get caught up in a current and nearly drowned. I suppose I just didn’t know how to deal with this newfound popularity— it was taking me out of my comfort zone. As a woman that doesn’t know how to choose friends cattily and strategically I’ve ended up with a lot of really hot female friends. My very best friend is thin with a big booty and long silky black hair so I established my place early on. I am the funny one; I crack jokes in the corner. I can relax and be myself and wear and do what I want and the guys that are into my particular brand of weird usually come find me. This has always been the arrangement. Then all of a sudden I had these men looking at a series of pictures of me and making the decision that they wanted to spend time with me and it was seriously messing with my brain! When I met B2 for the first time and he got out of his vehicle, in all his 6’3″ glory, gifting me with a beautiful white smile and bear hug I really just wanted to run. This was some sort of mistake. I am not this girl that bags dudes that look like this. Even now when a “hey sexy” text from him pops up on my screen it makes me groan in turmoil. I’m just a pudgy, single mom, writer type. You have got the wrong girl.

Life is Like A Box of Chocolates…

It’s true you never know what you’re going to get, but if you’re like me you will probably bite into every single one of those seemingly delicious treats until you find what you’re looking for. In my case I became greedy and was taking two or three bites out of chocolate I’d already tasted. (<– not a sex metaphor). It was dude overload! This one is kinda soulful; this one has dark skin with green eyes, that one’s a poet, ooh yay another sixpack! That one likes the color blue; this one knows the alphabet… I was having a hard time trying to narrow it down to just one and during the worst of it I was talking to about seven dudes at once! For this I am not proud but if you read the blog then you know firsthand that I struggle with discipline and entitlement issues. I felt I deserved the right to retain each one of these dudes and somehow piece them together to make the perfect boyfriend and then precede TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Mwahahahahaha….oh, sorry, ahem.

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Not an STD reference, I swear!

Anyway, that was a dramatization but I did feel as if I were that powerful. The big not-so-secret secret is that all woman start off with a significant amount of power in all dating situations by simply being born with a vagina. If you have one you are ahead of the game, trust me. There is nothing as tenacious as a man on his pursuit for new pussy and when you find a website literally full of men on the hunt OF COURSE it’s going to make you feel like queen for a day. I eventually caught on to the fact that it had more to do with these men not being able to help themselves and not really anything I was bringing to the table. Case in point, I was just sitting next to a pretty woman who was talking to her boyfriend on the train. When it was time for me to transfer I noticed that as I was making my way to pass her HE was giving ME a second glance. They seemed a happy couple to me, I know for a fact that this man was not interested in me in the least—but that sure as hell wasn’t going to stop him from sneaking a look. Being “desired” by all these men meant nothing and I am truly glad that my ego trip was short-lived.

Kinda Hard Out Here for A Pimp

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The conclusion of this thing is simple: Pimpin’ ain’t easy! I feel like this experience helps me to understand men and their plight just a little bit more (not that much, though). Anyone who goes into a dating situation without a clear goal or direction is going to leave just as confused as they were when they first embarked on the journey to not be single, not be alone, have a girlfriend/boyfriend, maybe or whatever… I’ve been led on by a guy or two in my day and I couldn’t fathom how someone could be so cruel. WELL—the answer is obvious to me now. I live in a highly populated area where the women are aggressive AND hot AND educated AND have big booties. If you’re a dude it is a freakin’ smorgasbord of eligible choices, and if you don’t know what you want out of relationships with the opposite sex (and life in general) you are bound to waste the hell out of some poor girl’s time or even break her heart. The temptation of supposedly “better” options is always going to be there and I can see how easy it is to get caught up in the Warren G syndrome.

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Image from stephanspeaks.com

I don’t want to be a time waster or heartbreaker and have decided that I would prefer to date with more purpose. On many levels it IS fun to just kind of “hang out” with dudes with no real commitment or obligation. These casual relationships definitely appeal to me because I don’t have to work as hard AND I can use the “we’re not serious anyway” excuse when a guy does something to hurt my feelings or chooses to stop speaking to me when I thought we were really connecting. When I met these guys online I didn’t have to hold them accountable for much and I didn’t have to worry about being disappointed. Now that I will be turning 30 in a few days, I realize that I should probably grow up a little and change my foolish and cowardly ways. One meaningful relationship that challenges me to put my heart on the line is better than several empty and loose romantic involvements that only challenge my skills at text messaging shorthand.

Lessons Learned

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Dems the rules!

  • Everyone has different communication styles! Some prefer to speak on the phone, some would text or message back immediately—others were responsive whenever they got around to it, I assume, but none of it can be interpreted as disinterest. In addition, there are many factors when it comes to written communication; how busy the person is, if they lack communication skills in general, if they are not quick-witted, if they can only text you on their girlfriend’s cell phone while she is sleeping… I found that most of the guys I talked to just weren’t the best conversationalists. This is ok, but as a person that thrives on witty banter and interesting conversation it was clear that these types were not matches for me.
  • Setting standards early will weed out the losers. No you can’t come chill at my house, please don’t call me “Bae”, don’t call me late on weekdays, three weeks of communication with no meet up is a deal breaker—unless they’re a single parent.
  • I am a lot more shallow than I thought.
  • A guy who says he’s on a dating site because he doesn’t have “time” to date is full of shit. You make time; end of story. Abort communication immediately!
  • Unemployed guys are not losers. (I never thought they were, but I felt the need to write this down).
  • If a guy won’t answer why he’s on a dating website then he is either ashamed or married. Abort communication! (It IS a cliché question but one I liked to ask. Some dudes made it seem like I tried to talk about Fight Club o_O)
  • If a guy describes himself as a “homebody” he is not going out on any dates under any circumstances. Abort mission! Image
  • Men are fond of women in general and I shouldn’t allow myself to be intimidated by looks. Just because a man is in the gym 7 days a week does not mean he will mind that I’m at home eating nachos and watching Breaking Bad. Looks are lazy. Your looks are what God gave you by default; any person that places too much value on this is unimaginative.
  • It is best to have no regrets! I said some pretty outrageous, raunchy, crazy things to people throughout this whole ordeal. I never apologized for anything I said or did because I didn’t want to feel like I had to go out of my way to impress anyone. I signed up for the site just like them and being myself should be remarkable enough or we are just not a match. I hope to bring this habit with me to the “in-person” dating world. I think I am too often approached by men who sit back and wait for me to WOW them when it should be the other way around or at least 50/50.

Extras (Fun Stuff)

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Send Me a Pic, Boo: I always hate when dudes who have looked at your profile with like 20 pictures of you finally get your personal information and the FIRST thing they ask for is a picture! I would send them the caricature above and insist that it was a candid picture of me with no makeup and no filter—no one really found it all that funny :-/
Mimicking: I know I say I had a lot of fun, but I do admit that carrying on conversation with these random dudes was extremely difficult at times—especially when they would begin conversation with brilliant things like, “Hey”. After a while, especially via text, I started to just mimic how they would speak to me. The purpose was to subliminally let them know that they needed to try harder. No one ever did. For example:

Him: Hey

Me: Hey

Him: Wyd?

Me: Chillin, wyd?

Him: Watchin’ tv

Me: Tru…send me a pic, boo

Say My Name: Toward the end of the whole experience I was so fed up with all these dudes calling me by my biblical name. It makes no sense but it felt too intimate and I just wanted to be a little more emotionally removed so I started introducing myself to men simply as “Davis” (my maiden name). It was fun to go by a pseudonym and it made me feel safe. I can’t really explain why.
Dirty: My answer to the profile question “What is the most private thing you will admit about yourself?” was “I like it dirty”. It turned out to be a great conversation starter because a lot of men actually took it in a direction that steered it away from the sexual connotation. I was pleasantly surprised by this and glad I had chosen to answer the question with a fun response. Most people totally copped out on it or became defensive that the site was being so personal.
Dating online was a fun experience for me and it actually did help me to feel as if I had gotten my mojo back. I hope you were able to get a kick out this series and enjoyed the read! Surprisingly, this is not all. I am also planning to do a YouTube video extra (Part III, if you will) to briefly discuss my thoughts, feelings and experiences on interracial dating. Don’t forget to “like” the Embrace the Crazy Facebook page for daily doses of ridiculous and subscribe to my YouTube channel for poetry readings, musical posts and more!
Got something you want to say in private? Email me directly at: WG@whiskeyandpoetry.com

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Like and visit the ETC Facebook Page!

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Ok, so I lied! Not all my OKCupid pics were completely realistic 😉

Click here to read Part I: Damn, I Got Bitches: An Inside Look Into My Month of Online Dating.

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Day 4

I will chase you
I will run
I will fall; scrape and bleed
Hemorrhage all over your floor
Crawl through the opening of your door…
You speak and I remember what all the pain was for
It was you and him and him that have taken my soul away
You make me so afraid to
Make me feel ashamed to
Make me runaway, too

I just want to love you

That’s A Wrap!!

That's A Wrap!!

That’s a wrap!!! I just finished the official Embrace the Crazy photoshoot with my dearest homie, Justin (Facebook page: JusPose’ Photos)! He did a great job working with this awkward girl– and special thanks to makeup artist Angela with Classically Beautiful (www.clasicallybeautiful.com) ! Stay tuned, the full shoot and blog post coming soon!