Tag Archives: entertainment

Why Joe’s New Song “So I Can Have You Back” is An Old Guy Fuckboy Anthem

Posted on by under The Crazy

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I don’t know what’s happening to me, surely I’m getting old! I was in my car listening to the radio station that my mom used to listen to when I was young—grooving to some Chaka Khan and Earth, Wind and Fire because this is the kind of music that moves my heart these days. In the middle of all this, the latest song by Joe (you know—I won’t stop having sex with you until I hear your mama scream, Joe) comes on and it sounds like it might be this beautiful R&B ballad that was about to knock my socks off. Well, I suppose it would have if I had not listened to the lyrics (-_-)

So I Can Have You Back in my opinion, is the old guy fuckboy anthem of 2017. Perhaps it’s not nice of me to describe Joe as “old” but what I mean is that as you get older the more complicated love becomes. R&B songs are no longer about “let’s dance at this club and let me love you” but more like, “Can I come over and have sex with you when you put your kids to bed? Also, please hold me after because I am still traumatized by my past failed relationships.” Hence the lyrics to the song:

Pictures and pictures of the smile I remember

This just can’t all be true

I hope he makes the biggest mistake

The unforgivable that makes your heart break

I hope you tell him “sorry is just not enough”

And it goes from good to bad, so I can have you back

Joe is a fuckboy. Joe is getting older and lonelier by the second, so naturally he starts looking through old pictures and makes the decision that he is suddenly in love with an ex-girlfriend. I assume he had years to build and grow with this woman but for whatever reason it didn’t work out. C’est la vie, welcome to the real world, that’s how the cookie crumbles…so on and so forth. Let it go, and let her go—sounds like she’s moved on and quite possibly, is even happy without you. Meanwhile, here you are JOE, sending negative vibes and bad juju onto her relationship all for the sake of your second chance. Sighhhhhhh, we’ve all dealt with this dude. Post a decent selfie and he’s there! He’s always there, stalking your social media for signs of distress OR attempting to re-enter your life because he misses your friendship. Dude, we were never friends.

I always make the mistake of thinking that there is an age limit cut off for fuckboys. Obviously, that’s a naïve thought process and it is entirely possible for a young fuckboy (18-32) to blossom into a strapping fuckman (33-50+). For example, a friend of mine in her late 30s decided to take a chance on a man about 15 years older than her. He was awesome! Old enough to be established in his career and willing to wine, dine and sweet talk. The only problem is that he wasn’t wining, dining and sweet talking with his long-term girlfriend who ended up calling my friend, identifying herself and explaining the situation that the seat on his face was taken (and had been for years). As it would seem, the guy was attempting to line up hoes in different area codes because he had the money and liked to travel. Nice! There are plenty of old guy fuckboy songs for that particular scenario—most of them apologies for cheating tunes.

You know what I would enjoy? Some old school “I love you so I’m not going to fuck this up ,” kind of songs. Maybe a, “Some bitch tried to throw herself at me but I rejected her because I love you,” song. Or EVEN, “We had a healthy adult relationship that had to end. I wish you the best and I will not text “I miss you” in the middle of the night six months from now or inbox any of your social media,’ song. (These are all working titles, of course)

R&B for millennials is worse. Bryson Tiller’s Sorry Not Sorry hook is:

Girl if you don’t get the fuck from me

I know you thought we had somethin’ special

But you don’t mean nothin’ to me

Girl I’m sorry, you not the one for me

Well, damn.

Love is rough out on these streets! I suppose we should all just be grateful that fuckboys– young and old– may now be easier to identify by their taste in music.

For funny renditions of R&B classics remade for this day and age, click here. I got a kick out of it, I hope you will too!

I Hate People/ Why I Stopped Following Rihanna on Instagram

Posted on by under The Crazy

The truth of the matter is that I hate people. I probably shouldn’t say that—and there really is no way to say that without sounding like a douchebag but I really and truly do. The world is in competition with you whether you like it, or even notice it or not. Driving on the highway every morning is not me commuting to get to work—it is a race with everyone on the freaking Interstate—and it doesn’t seem to matter that we are all going to separate locations.

Perhaps the thing I hate most about people is that I am just like them. I am a people, too. I take the same amount of selfies, I care too much about what others think, I suck up to the boss, I laugh at things that more mean than they are funny, I am judgy, I lie, cheat and steal. Barf—I’m just really not feeling myself these days…or ANYONE for that matter (except maybe the boyfriend because he provides me with sexy time).

Love Yourself

Anyway, the absolute worst enemy to the  low self-esteem, self-hate, phoniness  movement that exists in the millennial world today is: social media. People want you to admire, to be envious, to hate, love, CARE—all of that—and usually I am ok but I can’t help but to find myself caught in a downward spiral of depression about it sometimes. Her abs, his shoes, their relationship, their car, house, dog, cat, hair, job STOP!!!!!! As an empath I find myself desperately wanting to be happy for others and their lives and accomplishments but deep down I’m just like, “Shut. the fuck up.” Do we really have to brag about EVERYTHING? It’s to the point where so many people are always boasting about SOMEthing it makes me only want to share my small wins and moments of happiness with a small and very select group of friends. Happiness is not happiness anymore—it is a competition. Keeping your strategies to yourself is  by far, the best way to “win”.

I’m sick of writing this, though so…to make up for this ramble; here’s a post from a couple of years ago about some other shit I don’t like…

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Look at her– absolutely gorgeous, right? She wears awesome clothes, has a great body and seems super self-assured: FOLLOW.

I made the decision to follow Rihanna on Instagram because of the reasons listed above. I know she’s a celebrity but something about her seems a little trashy and believable so in my book, kinda cool. However, day after day of scrolling down my timeline and seeing various super fun pics with hashtags like “look at you, now look at us” and “my, insert whatever it is here, is better than yours” just left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I hate that we are at the point in this world where we can’t even pretend to have humility! If I had a body like hers I would post a half naked pic of myself on IG every single day– but I would not hashtag it with #sexygirl or #youcanthavethis. With all due respect, shut the fuck up!

It is her instagram and she certainly has the right to put whatever she wants on it, but I don’t understand why looking at YOUR page has to be a humiliating experience for ME. Yes, you are rich and gorgeous. Oh cool, look at all the free stuff big name fashion designers have given you. What’s that? Oh, a pic of your grandpa AND for whatever reason he’s better than my grandpa. Oook, my grandpa is not alive so you win that contest by default but when did it become a competition? Can’t I just see you enjoying your shit without comparing it to mine…we are completely different people!

And now, of course, I see my friends doing it and I can’t scroll my IG or Facebook page without making the (-_-) face. I am happy that you are happy and have a lot of stuff. I do not want your fiancé, your new shoes. Ok your daughter is prettier than mine, you have longer hair, your cousin is the best cousin– GOOD FOR YOU!!! I think I’m going to start instagramming my past due utility bills: #poorerthanyou #mycreditscorelowerthanyours. Sighhh, yet another thing in society I really don’t get. The minute I do get it, I’m sure a light will go off in my brain (that is no doubt smarter than yours) and I will decide to “follow” Rihanna again.

Until then,  UNFOLLOW!