Good Vibes Only

5.29.17 ETC - Good Vibes Color

You look tired,” they say. Or, they are the first person to fix any hair out of place or tag sticking out of a clothing item. When you establish a boundary, they are quick to violate it then flip the script on you for being moody and unreasonable. They are a gas lighting, soul draining, vibe killing group of people and I don’t understand why their reputations are so protected and defended. To most people, these types are well-meaning and any feeling of disrespect on your end is a YOU problem. Me? Well, I just miss the days when I felt as if I were meeting and cultivating true friendships– not doling out the allotted attention that everyone seems to desperately feed on these days.

Respect the Introvert

Don’t get me wrong, I am a performer so I understand the whole “look at me, I need attention” factor. However, in friendships people are supposed to understand you a little bit more. Friends are people who actively choose to be in your life so they are responsible for maintaining a deeper level of respect. Because you care about your friends you don’t take your afraid of heights bff on a roller coaster or to climb the statue of liberty– just as you don’t try to seek unnecessary attention out of friends who are not interested in being your audience members.

Por ejemplo: I tell my work friends that I am not a morning person and I like my space. I am happy to do work and to answer work questions but I do not want anyone crowding into my cubicle asking about my weekend, attempting to pressure me into going to get coffee or chastising me for not eating the donuts that Harold brought in for everyone to share. When my five-year-old has a meltdown that derails my morning routine and I have to listen to the car radio on high volume–in hours of traffic–to drown out the sound of my squeaky brakes, I don’t want to TALK about it! I just want the time to switch gears from mom/road rage driver to co-worker/executive assistant. That’s right, I am an assistant so it is literally my job to pretend to care and fix problems all day. I am fine doing just that without feeling obligated to provide work banter/entertainment and dramatic reactions to the same work gossip we talk about all the time. I don’t want to do it anymore!

I have to find the energy to be the kind of person that engages on that level. Yes, it comes from weed (ha!) but mainly it comes from just being alone and staring at the wall or picking my nose or whatever. After separating from my husband (nearly ten years ago) all of the silence and alone time without him taught me that I don’t get bored easily and I enjoy my own company. If I am sitting alone or busy working on a project it makes me cringe when someone who knows me as a personal friend walks by and says “Aww, are you ok? I know you have a lot of work.” insert fake sympathetic face here. Before I really knew myself this kind of comment triggered my insecurities and I would find myself working extra hard to appear carefree and social—because these people are harmless and they only care about my wellbeing, right?

Generally Good People

…wrong! I had this conversation with my best friend not too long ago and we definitely had a difference of opinion on the topic. At the risk of sounding like a surly individual, I am of the belief that people are not “generally good’. Aside from it being biblical, I have seen it in action which is why we have phrases like “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. Many of us would like to think that we are “good people” but most of us are selfish assholes. For me, the beauty of it all is that despite every single one of us being totally fucked up (consciously or unconsciously) we still want to be around each other. Human beings continually make the effort to see past another person’s ugly to get to all the beautiful stuff we like.

The ugly side of vibe killers is that they are selfish people—they want what they want when they want it and they don’t care how it affects the larger group. Sometimes it can be for the attention, controlling the topic of conversation, throwing shade at someone to make themselves feel better or doing the most out of a basic need/desire to be liked. The thing is, not everyone has to like you! (Personally, I think that realization is the key to self-actualization). If you are a high frequency/high maintenance person wanting to dwell in low frequency/low maintenance spaces the solution is simple: lower your frequency, homie. Simplify!

[I feel it’s important to admit here, that introversion has an ugly side and can also be rooted in selfishness. You can’t always expect others to adapt to your need to be left alone. If you made the decision to be out and about at the kind of event that calls for social interaction, the least you can do is not be an incorrigible asshole. Most are willing to make a comfortable space for quiet people and accommodations for shyness, but no one wants to tolerate meanness chalked up to “oh, he/she is just introverted”. That’s a copout!]

Who’s the Real Asshole?

Everyone! Ok, I am only kidding but in my opinion, the best way not to be an asshole is to realize that not everyone operates on the same frequency. I may sound like some kind of hippie astronomer but it’s simply a term I use to point out the fact that we all operate on different energy levels. Some have energy levels that function at a 10 (off the charts/life of the party/in your face) all of the time, while others function at about a 2 (why are people talking to me?/I could go for a nap/I would much rather be Netflixin’ and chillin, right now). If you are like me you can keep your level at about a 4 and pick it up to a 10 on special occasions or if the social setting calls for it. As a performer, I am ok boosting things up on stage then immediately dropping down to a 1 upon leaving the stage. As it turns out, this can make you seem like a murderer so I had to teach myself to keep my energy at an 8 until I am able to leave the event altogether. Whiskey the stage poet is probably a 15—she is ridiculous—while Naomi, (especially as I get older) is more like a 3 or 4.

5.29.17 ETC - Some PeopleAs I have gone through the trial and error of trying to surround myself with good vibes I realized the simplicity of discovering your own frequency and choosing people that operate on those same levels. I am at my happiest engaged in witty back and forth banter, some kind of controlled or natural substance on deck and I am generally ok with long comfortable silences. I have since tried to gravitate toward other humans who enjoy the same things. This all sounds like a no-brainer but every day each of us meets people that we connect with and want to continue to build upon that connection. However, if you’re like me you get four hangouts in and realize that the person is a moody and unpredictable arsonist that kicks puppies in their spare time and has a raging cocaine habit.

I am a person with no discernment whatsoever, so I’ve had to teach myself to recognize the kind of person least likely to drain my energy. I pay attention to how people rate on my totally made up frequency chart, how people react to drama and gossip (which everybody likes to some extent, I get that) and how they regard me when I am not being my over-the-top stage persona.

The Power of Suggestion

I will add this last thought: the power of suggestion is real. As a creative that has to rely on networking and mixing with so many diverse personality types, it is not always practical for me to pick and choose people with similar vibes to hang out with exclusively. I often find myself thrown into social situations with people I would not normally choose to spend time with. I have had to learn to always speak affirmations in my head to constantly counteract negative speech and energy. There are plenty of well-meaning people on this Earth, but some just aren’t and are more likely to use their words to cast self-doubt inside of you and to feed on your insecurities.

“Wow, you look tired. Are you having a bad day?” they say–knowing that I have been experiencing a rough time and am actively working to overcome it.

“No, I actually feel GREAT!” I respond. Because I do– or at least I can if I meditate on that positivity. I struggle with mental health issues, so during my lowest points that kind of suggestive speech has had the power to damage me in the past. It’s the difference between being around those who want you to succeed and genuinely like you, versus those who benefit and/or are comfortable seeing you down. Negative speech isn’t always a result of malicious intent, it seems to all relate back to selfishness. When I am low, I am more likely to engage in gossip and to be sarcastic and cynical–sometimes that version of me is just more fun to certain types of people. I know of some who try to bring that out of me just for shits and giggles. However, when that person leaves it’s not fun for me to have to sit in that negativity. Lately, I have done my best to seek out mentally strong people who don’t let me dwell in those dark spaces.

Just the other day I was supposed to attend an event with a friend. I was flaking out on him because I’d had a rough day I called out of work and cried on my couch all day. I was on a downward spiral so intense that I didn’t even know how I was going to participate in my own open mic event that I had invested money and promotion into for months. I told him straight up that it was going to take me awhile to get into the head space to be social and make it out to events. His response was, “Take your time…but get there.”

I thought about that for a long time. Apparently, there are people that not only speak positivity into your life but also do not make time or room to enable your bullshit. There was no doubt in him that I could get there and his response let me know that there was empathy but also a desire to see me rise to the occasion. Surrounding myself with people who are of this mindset reinforces my self-esteem.  High self-esteem makes me better equipped to protect my vibes when I am thrown into an environment of people who feed on negativity.

5.29.17 ETC - Strict BudgetLowkey, I feel as if this whole post is pretty stupid because most people know this stuff already! For me, this has been a journey and I have only recently been able to enjoy a lifestyle of positive self-worth because I realized that the kind of people you allow to take up space in your personal life can disrupt your inner peace. The more I take care of my introvert, form bonds with mentally strong people and reject negative speech, the stronger it makes me. Eventually, I hope to project good vibes wherever I go. If it comes from within me then I will never have to truly worry about someone “killing my vibe” because I will always be good with me.

In the meantime, I invite anyone reading this to remember to be purposeful in everything that you do. All of us should be mindful of the things we say to each other, the impressions we make and the reality that not everyone will like and appreciate all that you are. It is ok to let that shit go. While it is difficult to cultivate a peaceful vibe that fits all personality types, I definitely think there is a way to bring your own secure and positive vibes to the table and those that choose to eat, will.

5.29.17 ETC - Good Vibes WG Tagline

Declaration of Independence

Hey Ladies

Agreed! …so, help us out brotha!

 

I am not a traditional feminist so I’m not really raising my hands to any independent woman anthems. More likely I can be found searching for the nearest dude to help me dig the snow from underneath my car but that is just who I choose to be.

However, as a single mom that doesn’t always have a dude around to help, I understand the importance and necessity of independence. In some cases, perhaps women are going out of their way to prove “what we can do”, in others, maybe we are just forced to do our own thing because men are so busy boo loving and bromancing each other to care what we are doing or help us out anyway.

If I could film a montage of my life, about 20% of it would be doors literally slamming in my face because the man who walked in just before me didn’t bother to hold it open, or a series of conversations being interrupted by bros who want to bro it out with each other and simply can’t wait for me to finish my sentence. Bros before hoes—we GET it! But what if it’s not a hoe? What about your little sister? What about your co-worker who is a nice girl that’s maybe a little naïve and could use some gentle advice? Or the old lady that needs help with groceries, OR, OR, OR— I could go on all day! These days, it seems like women are only potential pussy and THAT’S when a man is (sometimes) willing to take care of her needs.

This generation of men is not how it used to be, either. There used to be a special regard for not only your mom but women in general. Men used to offer seats, open doors and even stand when a woman walks into the room. Now I just kind of feel like a piece of meat more often than not. If I’m not looking pretty enough or showing enough cleavage my customer service experience is shot to hell. There are some ladies that know what I mean—yes, indeed I get dressed up to take my car to the shop otherwise I will be completely ignored and possibly ripped off.

Being a lady is not simply being granted respect because you are the owner of a shiny, precious vagina anymore—it involves being attractive and having something to offer to a man in exchange for a tire change, help with bags or a dinner out (although I do see the man’s pov when it comes to always paying for dates). I’d love to lean on men for the little things in life!  I would love to proudly stand by a man’s side as he accomplishes his dreams, I have no problem with that. It is not my intention to brag and have the “anything you can do I can do better” mentality but shit—since I’m forced to do it anyway I may as well own it. Do men really even care about women’s independence and capabilities across the board—or are they too busy loving on their homies and showing them love, affection and support to even be paying us attention? Fine, I’ll work hard and achieve my own damned dreams– I don’t have to be by your side. AND don’t even GET me started on how Bottom Bitch culture has possibly ruined the woman’s desire to be that chick to see a man’s dreams to fruition, anyway. What is the incentive for being soft and submissive and loyal and dependent? Giving up all of your own dreams, get none of the credit for the man’s success and get dumped for someone “prettier” with a phatter ass, lighter skin and longer hair that hasn’t loved them through their lowest points? I’m good on that, no thank you.

Maybe our declaration of independence is a cry for help—nay—a call to arms for men to get back to treating us the way generations before us were used to being treated. Make us a priority again– not just significant others but all women in general. I’ll make room for you by my side and together we can get this money and realize our dreams.

I’m just saying…

What About Your Friends?

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In my adult life I am finding that I’m struggling with how to juggle friendships more and more.  I mean, when you’re younger things are fairly easy: who you spend most of your time with is usually your best friend. Following by those rules, I suppose a few months ago my brother would have qualified as my best friend. He is my roommate, we are forced to coordinate schedules and plans and he was the first person I debriefed with when I came home from work. But now, through no easy transition, the person who knows most about my daily thoughts, opinions and emotions as well as gets most of my time is JW. Do I consider him my best friend? Definitely! But where does that leave everyone else?

Letting Go of Luxuries

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Here I am again, saying what no one else will ever admit or say: friends? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Of course I am only joking. I just believe that it’s not only nice but very necessary to have low maintenance friends. For whatever reason, I seem to be a magnet for the, “You didn’t respond to my text,” or “We haven’t hung out in a week,” type. Quality time = yay! but its frustrating to be categorized as a bad friend because I just simply can’t put in alot of facetime. The legitimate excuse is that I’m a single mother with a full time job, writing side hustle and relationship to maintain. Perhaps the illegitimate excuse is that more often than not in the free time I do get all to myself I just don’t want to be bothered with trivial things like putting on clothes let alone hanging out.

In my younger days I was that flaky asshole that disappeared from the face of the Earth for long periods at a time, then returned to the friend circle when I felt I had the energy to properly engage. Now I just tell people what it is straight up and make no excuses. I love you but I simply cannot give 100% at this time. It is not in my budget for dinners and movies and catching up and I am in the process of finding a larger place to live but because of space issues I don’t even feel comfortable having company at my apartment.  In those rare moments when the stars do align and I find myself having sufficient funds, the energy to socialize and the free time, I do hit my friends up for a hangout and am immediately given shit for only contacting them for quality time on my schedule. Sighhhhhh, this is so confusing! Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do! I don’t know how to win and I’m losing friends left and right because of it.

Blurred Lines

I know that society as a whole is made up of a bunch of hardcore gangstas that continue to do remarkably well in highly intense emotional situations. I am truly impressed by all the Internet memes I see carrying a tough and calloused message about a past relationship or boasting of cutting off people you don’t fuck with. Kudos to all of you but I have to say for me personally, the past 18 months of watching my friends list dwindle down to the low single digits has been hurtful. My thirties have already been tough. 

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I’m smart enough to have learned that not everyone is your friend. The people who make you laugh and loan you $5 for lunch and the co-workers that you keekeekee with in the break room can be the same people that would refuse to spit on you if you were on fire. What I wasn’t smart enough to know or realize until recently is that sometimes you grow out of friendships or have to give it up because of unforeseen circumstances.

Not long ago, I had to make a painful decision to let go of a friend that was basically a sister to me. To the outside world looking in I am a complete douchebag for doing so but it was a decision I had to make for my psychological well being. I made a bad decision to be messy and became romantically involved with her close relative– that was a mistake on me. One rambunctious child and a whole world of heartbreak later I realized that a major reason I couldn’t break away from the depression the situation put me through is because I was too close to her (and his family) and I was struggling with the blurry lines and fuzzy boundaries. It is already a difficult task to heal or forgive someone that has broken you but I was making my life more tumultuous by surrounding myself with my ex lover’s biggest fans every single day. I knew too much information about his personal life and it was nearly impossible for me to ignore the position he had put me and my child in by continuing to lie and not taking responsibility for shitty actions. The tension within me began to build.

I eventually reached a breaking point and every time I spent time with this friend I wanted to scream, “HOW IS THIS OK? HOW CAN YOU CONTINUE TO LET YOUR FAMILY DO THIS TO ME AND MY CHILD AND YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND? DOESN’T ANYONE GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME?!” The painful answer to that is: sure, but only to a certain extent. Blood is always thicker than water for most people so when it came time to battle, draw a line in the sand and to choose sides I was out on a limb by myself. That’s totally fine, but it wasn’t something that I could cope with– I am on the side of my wellbeing and I choose to stand with people I know are rocking with me as well. I made the controversial decision to cut ties with her and the entire family. You can’t always get what you want…

Shout out to all of those people who feel nothing when they have to completely delete someone out of their lives for whatever reason. As for me, I feel the pain of it everyday.

No New Friends

As a whole, I don’t think anyone is really aware of just how much friendships change and grow over the years. Furthermore, I don’t think people understand that this is ok. The days of slumber parties and all night talks are pretty much gone and juggling life goals, dreams, CHILDREN, etc. adds in extra complications. I feel like I spend the majority of my time with friends apologizing for not being a better friend and this may sound terrible but: I don’t want to do it anymore. I  narrow my friends list down to those that understand that I love them very much and am willing to bend in times of need but for the most part I can’t be a Gayle to anyone’s Oprah until I achieve a little more balance (and/or the kids grow up and move out of the house!) I don’t know if this is the right way to handle things but I’m not sure of how else to go about it.

I am thankful for the people in my life that understand that I am simply doing the best I can to achieve balance. I pay it forward as much as I can, I’m just too exhausted to do much more :-/

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…Damn, I Got Bitches! A Inside Look into My month of Online Dating

Author’s Note: I debated a lot about whether I would actually write about this subject. There are so many variables at play; the main things being that I don’t ever want the blog to come off as way of exploiting and violating people’s privacy or making fun of others in any way that is not completely anonymous. Also, though I do it often, I am not all that fond of embarrassing myself! Ultimately I decided that I should always make an effort to give the readers what they want (all 12 of you!) and trust that my purpose and intentions will remain clear throughout my purging process.

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My actual online dating profile pic! Complete with about 7 filters and my most undesirable features cropped out…

The Reasons (In no particular order):

1. There is a negative stigma attached to online dating, kind of like you are definitely losing if you have to resort to such a thing. On some level I used to agree and think that online dating was only for weirdos, losers and murderers. However it’s 2014 and this seems like a natural progressive step for the dating world. After trying it out, I realize there are a lot of good options on the world wide web, though I have found that there are some men attracted to it because it is really fun, but also lazy. “You mean I can pick up hot chicks from the comfort of my own home without loud club music and uncomfortable dress shoes?! Sign me up…”  (Also, it should be noted that the quality of my options were most likely affected by the fact that I chose to use OkCupid which is a free service—as opposed to one that people have to invest money in. I find the word “free” usually attracts an interesting bunch!)

2. I’ve always thought of online dating as a blogger’s wet dream. It is so random and delightfully unpredictable—what’s not to love about it? You can meet new characters almost every day and the plot and story changes as often as you decide to respond to a message. Ironically enough, this is also the reason that I debated about not writing these posts (so much happened, it’s a two-part series). I actually did meet some cool guys that honestly seemed genuinely interested in finding something real. Just because we had a bad experience, ephemeral connection or weird conversation doesn’t mean they are bad people and I wouldn’t want to feel as if I were making fun of them and their quest to find whatever fulfillment they might be searching for online. However, I’ve decided to write this out in such a way that mainly showcases how much of an asshole I am.

3. The final reason, and most likely the main reason I decided to embark on the adventure of online dating is because I had definitely lost my mojo and needed to do something proactive to get it back. I brought in 2014 dragging residual pain and bad habits from my attachment and fascination with a man whose obvious disinterest and lack of respect for me has done nothing but hurt and disappoint. It doesn’t help that due to circumstances beyond my control (Satan?) I keep running into this guy. I am ashamed of how much it continues to unnerve me. I don’t want any person to ever have that kind of power over me. I realized what a hit my self-esteem had taken by continuing to deal with this dude that clearly wanted nothing to do with me but I continued to let him toss me crumbs every now and then. (I’d be totally lying if I said I was over it—but I’m trying to get there)

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Bachelor #1

B1 was an accident and I was really just bored one night and decided to respond to his message. I started talking to him for shits and giggles because normally I wouldn’t respond to someone that would message me declaring that I look “juicy”. Listen, I’m old and I have no idea what the kids are saying. I didn’t know what it meant but I was able to use context clues to figure it the hell out. I took a peek at his profile picture and of course I find that it’s just a body shot photo of oiled up six pack abs. (-_-) Furthermore, he was only 21 and it made me wonder why there wasn’t a filter to get rid of these young fucking dudes! I’ve been a magnet for them lately and I have no idea why.

I ended up talking to the dude and even forgave him after he sent me a dick pic. After we got past the random awkwardness of him using texting shorthand and slang I didn’t understand, we were actually able to have some honest conversations about why we were on the site and what exactly we were looking for. He seemed pretty anxious to meet up and my overall attitude was kind of like “Meh” (For whatever reason I realize that I don’t take young dudes seriously and I don’t want to be disrespectful so I try to avoid them altogether). We met up and he was good looking enough… I just wasn’t really feeling it and I don’t know why. I was really TRYING.

The conversation was good, he wasn’t a psychopath and I felt relaxed enough to completely be myself. After the meet up I couldn’t really tell his vibe but after I got home he text me and told me that he thought I was awesome—or something to that effect. This made me realize that is another pet peeve of mine. If you meet a man somewhere I think he should make his intentions clear and make some effort to create sexual tension. If you keep the vibe friendly then text me later that you’re into me it just really confuses me. Like, um did you have to think about it and decide to be into me or was there some sort of chemistry you were feeling at the moment and you didn’t want to talk about it? Anyway, I kept in touch with the dude via text because I liked his personality enough. I could see us hanging out without me wanting to murder him or tell him shut up and that’s really the stuff that relationships are made of. I decided to meet up with him again and try to be more flirty to try to get something off the ground.

Nope. It just wasn’t happening, and I wanted it to but no dice. He tried to talk about sex, I guess to spice things up, but I was answering questions as if I were filling out a form at the gynecologist’s office and not as if I were into him. When he dropped me off I was even planning to go in for a kiss or something (that always seemed to work for Zack on Saved by the Bell when he was trying to establish if he had genuine feelings for a girl). It turned out that I couldn’t even make that happen. There was just nothing there and I didn’t want to waste time on seven more dates trying to “see” if anything would pop off. Just…no. After that he would text me late at night and I would never really get the chance to respond or feel like responding once I woke up in the morning. I ended up just not responding to his messages and I was debating whether I should send him an “it’s not you, it’s me” email. The tough thing about online dating is that it was totally unclear as to whether I even owed him that courtesy or if it was just ok for me to just end correspondence and hope he got the hint.

Before I could even draft a rejection email he called me. I watched the screen light up on my phone and stared at it, frozen in horror. I didn’t want to talk to him!!! I was doing absolutely nothing, I had no excuse not to answer my phone but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And because life sucks and I’m awkward I was on my phone a few minutes later and accidentally pressed the callback button. I have never hung up so fast in my life! I was hoping it all happened so quickly that the missed call wouldn’t even register on his phone but no such luck. He called me back immediately and I didn’t answer. That was the last he’s tried to contact me and I’m just relieved that it seems we both came to a mutual understanding and that’s that.

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What I want in a nutshell. Why is this so difficult??

 

Bachelor #2

❤ Where do I begin? At a certain point in our lives we sometimes let lust take the wheel and lead us on one hell of a road trip— this was definitely one of those instances. Imagine my surprise when I go to check my messages one day and see a simple “hey beautiful” in my inbox. Oh God, who is this guy calling me beautiful? (I should mention I am a sucker for pet names, I don’t even care how sincere they are). I click on his profile and…my God I felt like I deserved this blessing in my life!! Long dread locs down his back, unassuming lean posture as he looked sheepishly and unsmiling into the camera. I didn’t care that he was  only 23, he was 6’3″!!! I have nothing against the shorter guys but a lady wants to break out her heels at least every once in a while! As a woman that stands above average height there is nothing that makes me feel more soft and womanly than a tall man’s body hovering over me looking down at me when he speaks. In his profile he described himself as laid back which is music to the ears of the high-strung like me. Clearly, I had stumbled upon my husband. Oh, what a fun story we would have to tell our children— this was obvious love at first sight! I messaged him back almost instantly (thirsty anyone?) and immediately gave him my email because I wanted to just hop to it. When can we meet? When can I see you? What are we doing? What will our wedding colors be?

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I wish I could say that when we spoke there was an automatic spark, and I wish I could say that things were easy and just flowed— but no. I had to work just as hard for conversation as he had for his six-pack apparently. I make no apologies for this. As a woman of course I like to look at good-looking men, but when it comes to dating I ultimately don’t care about looks and believe everyone deserves a chance. In this case, I felt he deserved a chance in honor of every single beautifully sculpted muscle group in his body. B2 is not a talker or texter, however and unfortunately this just meant I blathered on while he “lol’d” at stuff. I normally hate this dynamic; it makes me feel like I’m doing stand up and bribing the hecklers to leave me alone by sleeping with them. But sometimes you have to follow your heart and compromise. Haha, totally kidding, I put up with it because I’m shallow :-/

When we finally met in person I was too mesmerized by his obliques to really be good for conversation. I almost completely overlooked the fact that his personality was actually pretty endearing. I didn’t know these guys still existed but he is either completely unaware if his good looks or just humble. Both are shocking traits to me. (I’m not naive, I’m sure he has PLENTY of female admirers and friends and he’s most likely banging them all, he’s 23 for God’s sake!) but I found our encounter surprisingly refreshing.

B2 and I actually still hang out, and it’s just a mutual understanding that we can’t text or I would have to kill him to avenge his slaying of the English language, for one. Another thing, my pet peeve is when dudes hit you up with the “Wyd” and after that have absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation. If I am feeling particularly mean I usually say “Chillin” to make them aware that they are going to have to actually put some work into the conversation. As for B2, our communication is poor but a million times better in person because of his infectious giggle, how he rolls his eyes at me when I’m being ridiculous, and because he doesn’t demand anything deeper from me other than a good time. It is the perfect distraction.

I care about B2 but not in the way a girlfriend cares about a boyfriend. I feel we are enjoying our time together and it is the most light-hearted thing I have ever been involved in. Usually my emotions get caught up or theirs do and the dynamic of the arrangement becomes tense but I really think this one of those things that will simply fade away when one of us stops texting the other. I’ve never had a romantic involvement end peacefully so I have high hopes for this…

 

Bachelor #3

Sighhh, B3 is actually why ended up quitting the whole thing all together and deciding it wasn’t for me. He hit me up on a Super Bowl Sunday and I responded to his messages in between getting ready for the game. When I finally settled in I looked at his profile and discovered he was a cutie! He was maybe kind of a smaller guy but I liked the way his big brown eyes stared purposefully and directly into the camera. He had a beautiful smile and in his messages to me he kept commenting on how attractive he thought I was—which I hated.

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I think I’ve mentioned this before but throughout this experience I in no way wanted to feel like I was cat fishing anyone. I posted plenty of pics on the site showing my full body, sitting down, standing, with makeup and without. I did this because black guys scale of judging women’s bodies is all sorts of skewed. I have an ass, I don’t have an ass, I’m thick, I’m big, I’m short, I’m tall—it’s all a matter of perception. So I posted as many pics as possible so when and if I decide to meet these dudes in person there would be no surprises. The only thing I couldn’t really capture is the gap-teeth because I don’t smile in most of my pictures because my face does a squinty Renee Zellwegger thing but not nearly as cute. Anyway, I just didn’t want to vibe with someone via messaging and text and finally meet up with them and have them accuse me of any sort of bamboozlement. Furthermore, I only consider looks to be about 10% of my appeal so I didn’t really have any qualms about posting a bunch of them.

So, I ended up really getting along with this dude. He was just the perfect amount of asshole/sweetheart mix and I hadn’t had a man make me laugh like that in so long. I was smitten. Eventually we got our single parent schedules to match up enough to have a meet up and thank the Lord he was exactly what I expected him to be. I really felt a connection and I was at least expecting that a friendship would develop between us if nothing else. Yeah—I could never be a fortune teller, I was just so wrong. The texts became few and far between until they just kind of faded into nothingness. I remembered how I had done the same with B1 and how he had the grace and humility to take the hint in stride and fall back so I opted to do the same with B3. I’m going through all my insecure body image stuff and I just kind of realized that if he’s not attracted to me or my body then that’s his right and I can’t force the situation just because I really like him. After all, we met on OKCupid—it’s not that serious.

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I was rejected by a guy I met online– I know, biggest sob story EVER

Even now, I wonder if that was this guy’s deal and it hurts right smack dab in the middle of the self-esteem. But I can’t truly be mad, if you’re not attracted to someone you just aren’t and there’s nothing you can do to rekindle that spark once it dies so suddenly. My little feelings got hurt but I think I’m discovering that I can hardly take a shit these days without my heart being broken. It is inevitable. Everything is a gamble and I just need to smarten up or leave the fucking casino.

Randoms:

The Sociopath

When he hit me up on the messenger with a simple “What’s up, shorty” it was clear he had no manners at all nor was he interested in trying to appear charming. I like that kind of thing.  I wasn’t really all that attracted to the image in his pictures either, but as a part-time ornery person I saw this as an opportunity to practice my asshole skills, and besides, I went into this venture determined not to care about looks. Sighhh, I am not necessarily proud of what developed between me and this dude. I was very much drawn in by his magnetism and there was sexual tension between us that downright puzzled me.

 

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I like crazy, but not THIS crazy

He was very domineering and bossy. It was hard for him to even utter the words “please” or “thank you” and my biggest fear meeting up with him was that he would have no qualms about murdering me. He seemed amoral and dangerous and only more so when we actually met face to face. I escaped alive and in one piece and thankfully I never heard from him again.  I am only thankful because I know I would be stupid enough to answer his call because for whatever reason he did have some sort of strange power over me. I never really wondered if red-haired guys didn’t have souls until I met him…

Gross/Crazy Guy 

His screen name had the word “Pussy” in it and when he hit me up I was really and truly hoping he was maybe a veterinarian with a strange since of humor. Furthermore, he had no pics in his profile so my psycho senses were tingling. I messaged him back and tried to make a joke about his screen name—annnnnnnnnnnnnd he totally ripped me a new one! Apparently his screen name was none of my business AND I’m a nosy busybody. This confused me on some level since I thought that once someone contacted me, their chosen screen name was at least a little my business. He kept sending some intense messages, each a few hours apart so I ended up having to block him. What THE hell?

 

 The Rocker

I still keep in touch with the lead singer of a heavy metal band who is on tour overseas. I actually messaged him first after he rated me highly—he’s one of the few guys I actually initiated contact with. Every time I logged onto the site I ended up spending more time responding to guys who messaged me whether I was interested in them or not. I have never met this guy in person and I have no idea if he is being truthful about his whereabouts— but he writes me beautifully descriptive emails so I really don’t care. It is nice to have a pen pal and someone who challenges me intellectually. He hints of our eventual meeting but I’m not holding my breath and honestly this whole experience has left me completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I really can’t handle much more of this. I’m all over the place with this dating stuff and vaguely aware that I’m not making much sense.

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I hate that I am this way :-/

I’ve been able to learn so many things about myself, men and dating in general from this whole experience. That is exactly what I had hoped to get out of the whole experience. Lately I’ve been finding myself becoming apart of these loose uncommitted sexual relationships and I just want to start dating with more of a purpose and to learn to value myself more. I have dedicated an entirely separate post that talks more in depth about what lessons I’ve been able to extract from the decision to online date—and there are some surprising developments that have unfolded since I’ve started writing this so be sure to read part 2 of this series: As Long As My Bitches Love Me: Lessons Learned from My Month of Online Dating. I’m working on it now and it’s coming soon, I promise!

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More on this online dating ridiculousness coming soon! — Your Homie