I have been thinking a lot about heaven and hell lately—what it means to me and where I think I’m going to go. I heard a devout Christian say that God cares more about our righteousness than our happiness and the sentiment sent a chill down my spine.

This has been the happiest year of my life—maybe. I laugh and share my secrets with the “sinners”. We all drink too much, smoke a ton and curse. A few of us lay with the same sex at night or alternate between the two. I myself find the most peace and comfort in the arms of a man who is not my husband. He will never be and somewhere deep inside I am ok with that as long as I have him, because I feel that might be all that really matters—us having each other, I mean. But somewhere deeper than that I worry that clinging to each other means nothing can come into us, even God. Though I feel Him, when we intertwine and it makes me believe that I don’t have to choose between the two. He is with us.

I sometimes stare at his face at night and wonder if we are a blessing from God or a curse from Satan. I can’t wrap my brain around why it feels magic. It feels like comfort from God himself, all that is right and good and holy and as much as I usually feel so disconnected it finally feels like belonging! When I fill up with his love it feels like home and comfort food,  the beginning of the end of the world—we know it won’t last but my god, it will be glorious for a time…and I wonder when our time will run out and why this gift has to spoil. Just as wonder if God is on the end of his path. Is it just up to me to trust my instincts and our intimacy? Shall I grip his hand without ever looking back? Allow myself to be led into a righteousness that Christians don’t believe in because a man who is not your husband is just that. And I—WE—are just adulterous sinners in the eyes of the Lord, and not two people who feel the spirit in our union and allow that to be enough. Trusting in us and believing in Him became mutually exclusive at some point and my greedy heart desires both…