What You Not Gonna Do

Relationship Killers

If you are reading this, you might want to go make yourself a steaming hot cup of tea because I’m about to dish about my personal life. I always weigh these things and decide just how much I am willing to share for the overall message and purpose of the blog and my underlying thought is that it is always worth it to reveal personal things about my life if especially if it will save a another woman from having to do so. That being said, think of the title of this post as an instructional guide—and I will provide tips not only on what you’re not gonna do but what you should not do when you run into situations such as this.

Back Story

About a year ago I wrote a tongue in cheek blog post about an altercation I had with my boyfriend’s upstairs neighbor called The Price of Slapping A Bitch. The post was basically a tale of one of those frustrating situations of not getting along with someone and wanting badly to invoke the spirits of violence but knowing that you can’t because jail time. Anyway, referenced in the post is the fact that his neighbor left a cheerfully hateful note on the windshield of my car the next morning—and in the post I didn’t reveal all of what she said but I hit the highlights that really irritated me (and was the most fun to write about and rebut). What I did not reveal is that in the note she referred to the boyfriend as “Community dick” and claimed that there was a lazy susan of women rotating in and out of his apartment quite often.

Reasons for not revealing this information:

  • This is the jugular that every woman goes for when they have beef! Second to commenting on how ugly they think you are, they always accuse your man of either cheating in general or cheating with them. The beauty of not being defined by looks or romantic relationship with a male is that these things don’t hold as much weight. As a woman who has been cheated on in EVERY RELATIONSHIP EVER, yes that is my worst nightmare but at the end of the day, you do some yelling and confronting and if there’s no concrete evidence you let it go. Paranoia cannot dictate a relationship.

 

  • Because I’m the fucking police and I know the importance of not releasing all the damn details to the public. I spill lots of tea—who am I kidding, it’s raining tea all over these pages—but believe it or not, I keep some things to myself in an effort to be considerate of privacy.

But I digress, the note was ultimately ignored and forgotten; the relationship continued. Fast forward to January of this year I received a comment on the aforementioned post in the middle of the morning and I go to give it a look. (It’s still there if you want to take a peek). It is supposedly the cousin of the upstairs neighbor who recognized the scenario and then proceeds to warn me of two things: 1. Her cousin will crush my life if she reads the post and 2. That I should pop by the boyfriend’s house to see for myself that he was cheating because I was being played.

NO. THANK YOU.

I was going to save a list for later but I can’t hold it in. WHAT YOU NOT GONNA DO is tell me that someone is going to do me bodily harm over something I’ve written on my blog. If you don’t like it don’t read it, and who the fuck are you that you are going around threatening folks? Because as much as I would love to slap a bitch, there is a lot more value in waiting for a bitch to hit me first so I can sue the shit out of her and pay for my children’s college. Also what you not gonna do is suggest I pop by a nigga’s house to catch him in the act of cheating. To be frank, pop-ups are for losers. Once you’ve reached that point in your relationship you are losing and I refuse to be Nancy Drew over any of this shit. I have things to do, and if he’s cheating he’s cheating and I will either eventually find out OR he’ll do something reckless and I’ll get a horrible STD. Who knows? This is what life and relationships are—you take the risk of loving and trusting someone and you stick with it until proven otherwise. Rude notes and blog post comments are not going to motivate suspicion within me. (Also, fun fact: if you are a first time commenter on the blog I am given the authority to approve or reject your comment; I chose to approve this particular comment because yolo, or whatever…)

Let Me Tell You What A Bitch Did

Fast forward to yesterday I am playing on my cell phone, exhausted from the day’s activities and fantasizing about skipping out on what I had planned for the evening, when I get a request that someone on Instagram wants to send me a picture. Sure! (I was secretly hoping it was my very first dick pic. Disgusting I know, but I feel like there’s some sort of rite of passage in getting your first random dick pic on the internet…anywho). What it was…a screenshot of the boyfriend’s picture on a dating site with a message from a random IG user (hard to trace and private, I tried!) with the message that simply read: FYI.

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Is it obvious this is my favorite meme?

I had so many questions! I didn’t get the immediate visceral reaction of “omg he’s cheating” I just kind of wasn’t surprised because the picture was from the dating site we had actually met on and I know my profile pic is floating out there on the same site. Only because it was nearly impossible to deactivate my account so I just hid my profile. Someone could easily screenshot my shit and send it to him and it would look bad but there would be an explanation. I needed more information.

So I requested it. And was immediately given the “What more evidence do you need? If you feel in your heart that maybe he is cheating here is your proof. Pay attention be smart about it and love yourself enough not to be played.”

What You Not Gonna Do

…is drop me a random screenshot of the boyfriend, try to plant a seed of discord in my life and drop the mic. I got questions! First of all, how do you know me? How do you know that this is my dude? It’s not impossible to figure out who the boyfriend is—but it is difficult since we don’t follow or have any links to each other on any social media. So you either have to do some digging or you have to know me personally. What’s your backstory?

You also not gonna condescend to me like you are a loving mentor or big sister. You are a complete stranger and I have no context about your intentions whatsoever. Being smart is not accepting a public photo of your s/o with no other explanation or background about how the pic was obtained, etc. Screenshots of explicit conversations (with number displayed) and dated dick pics are acceptable along with further explanation about who you are. This humanizes you and at the very least makes me more willing to believe this random ass information that you’re supplying me. In 2016, side bitch culture has become the norm, there are plenty of women that have been scarred by the horrors of cheating and are simply waiting on the next ball to drop. Accusing a man of cheating is the easiest thing to do and something you really don’t need a lot of supporting evidence to prove anymore. A woman on the receiving end of the non-information usually just flies off the handle and starts making a list of names of people she wants to fight. As for me and my house, you need more people and more facts.

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There are women that forgive after cheating, and good for them! As for me…

And lastly, what you not gonna do is assume that I don’t love myself because you think and/or know that my man is cheating on me. Holy accountability, Batman! If a man cheats that’s on him, that shit is his choice and my ignorance of the fact does not make me a walking pile of low self-esteem. Furthermore, self-respect and choosing to forgive a partner for infidelity is not mutually exclusive. Women choose to forgive and work on their relationships with cheaters everyday—it is up to the people in the relationship to decide how they will handle such a situation. My eyes were opened to this fact just before my divorce—I thought I was the type of woman to stay in spite of infidelity and work on the relationship but then I slowly came to the realization that it’s not really the type of woman I am. That is my choice and in turn, I don’t look down on the women who decide to stay and work it out. God bless ‘em!

What You Should Do

I write this because the sad reality of life is that people—and dare I say, women specifically (sorry feminists)—are petty and vindictive and some actually want to see you completely fail at life. Revenge is a thing and arch nemeses are no longer just the stuff of comic books. I was driving around a crowded parking lot just the other day and I thought I happened upon an empty space. I darted over to claim it and just before pulling in I noticed an SUV hovering nearby. Not wanting to be the douchebag to steal his space I hesitated to allow the SUV the opportunity to claim it. About three seconds later I heard an angry voice yell “I DO NOT WANT THE FUCKING PARKING SPACE!” And there you have it…

People are assholes that don’t give a shit about politeness your feelings or anything of the sort. And the harsh reality is, if people are given the opportunity to be mean and shit all over your feelings they will choose to do so more often than not. I don’t automatically assume that strange women who approach me are good Samaritans worried about me and my self worth. On some level I believe that these incidents are related to the upstairs neighbor, but when I think about it all it honestly makes my brain hurt. I’m a regular ass woman, I don’t have time for sleuthing I have shit to do—but I will make time to share my experience and leave these thoughts with you.

If you are on the receiving end of this kind of thing my only advice would be for you to think before you act. It has nothing to do with trusting your intuition because when folk are coming at you sideways it fucks your intuition all the way up. You are not acting on a gut feeling but reacting to feelings of anger, hurt and maybe a little bit of embarrassment. No matter what you post on social media, in a blog or tell to friends—no one knows the inner workings of your relationship, how you choose to function, what you will and will not put up with and the reality behind appearances. I reject embarrassment and choose to put my business out there in moments like these in order to connect with others dealing with similar situations. Are there folks reading this shaking their heads and thinking “oh yeah she’s getting played” OF COURSE—but who cares? Those opinions, shaking heads and sounds of sympathy do nothing for my everyday life. I will handle as I see fit and I recommend the same for everybody because in the aftermath of it all the person bringing forward this juicy information never has to deal with the consequences of the events that unfold after the fact.

For those of you on the giving end of this kind of thing, I get it! A man is out there cheating and you are a super hero called to right the wrongs and bring a motherfucker to justice! However, do it like a lawyer and not a superhero. Provide the evidence, statistics, facts and be available to answer follow up questions—my GOD! You are a random woman coming out of the woodwork and accusing someone’s intimate partner of foul play, you are never going to be well received. Do yourself a favor and it keep it short and be precise and exact with how you choose to present the information. Realize that you are not this woman’s friend—this is not the movies and it will not be a meet-cute about how you met your future bff. You are coming in as the enemy by default so be cognizant and respectful of the fact. Wave the white flag of irrefutable evidence because planting a seed of doubt with faulty information is bullshit and will only be seen as shade and sabotage.

By that same token, there is also the option of not saying anything. What’s done in the dark comes to light—trust and believe. Whether you are involved as whistleblower or not that relationship will take the course it is supposed to and that will be that.

This isn’t my first rodeo.

Life goes on.

Cheating is not the end all be all.

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I have dealt with worse drama and yes I’m too old for this shit but that’s life. Bring it and I will handle it. I’m that bitch, and I won’t be harassed or passive aggressively bullied about no dumb shit.

 

 

 

I’m Not Going to Cheat on You

-Because bad sex is a thing. It is a very bad thing that occurs way too often in life and I am not going to trade all of our bomb sex for what could be terrible, very bad, no good sex.

-Because I’m lazy and I don’t like to remember names.

-Because I’m lazy and I don’t like the idea of retelling stories twice.

-Because I’m an introvert and I have no interest in opening up to more than one person.

-Because I eat all of my food. Multiple dinner dates, mean multiple opportunities for me to stuff my face. I will become a house and lose both you AND the side dude and end up starring on the next episode of My 600 Pound Life. (However, on said episode I will be so adorable and vivacious people will love me! I will become a media sensation and my writing will FINALLY take off, propelling me into stardom and success and a life of glorious–oh,  sorry, I digress…)

-Because men have cheated on me before and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain, betrayal and humiliation on anyone.

-Because I have cheated before and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain, regret and humiliation on anyone.

-Because I love you. And in spite of what everyone says, for me, love IS enough.

Pumpkin Eater

Apparently you are supposed to judge others based on the reality and actions they’ve shown and not based on what, deep down, you know to be true. All men are cheaters. They simply cannot help themselves! And maybe 30 years ago it was much harder for them to do so because women were perhaps a little more virtuous and less willing to overstep boundaries, but where does that leave us today? Our society has allowed for this by creating a space for threesomes and open relationships and being ok with labels like “main chick”, “side chick” and “bottom bitch”. There is only one title that I want and will accept in a committed relationship, and that’s “The One and Only.”

My outlook on love has definitely darkened significantly over the last few years, and now because of recent events, I feel that I’m being haunted by my past. The good news is that my daughter’s father is able to visit her more frequently. The bad news is that his presence conjures up a dull aching pain somewhere back in the recesses of my heart that I would rather forget. It’s funny how you can persevere and time can allow you to get over a person, but I truly wonder if you can really ever get over the pain that person inflicted upon you. I still remember being told/coming to the realization that I was just a side piece. I screamed out in shock, which sounds so dramatic, but I felt so humiliated it was almost the same as being physically punched in the face.

The mind is so amazing! I find that I am usually able to bury those feelings away. But as I sit here typing this and crying at 5am in the morning, I fear that the agony of it may never completely die. It sits just beneath the surface, simmering at low heat. The first time her father came to see her about a week ago it was pretty uneventful. We actually get along great and things are generally fine between us. However, a few days later, I fell asleep lying in the arms of JW and I woke up on my back gasping for air in what felt like a mini panic attack. I’d had a nigtmare that JW had confessed to sleeping with someone else and I was trying to wake myself up out of it but I couldn’t move. When I finally awakened I felt that oh so familiar aching and I really just wanted to bolt out of there and go home. Instead, I forced myself to grip his hand and will myself to go back to sleep. He laced his fingers through mine and it was a reassuring feeling, but the uneasiness never went away.

A few weeks just before, I was brushing my teeth in JW’s bathroom and my body stiffened as I noticed a hair on the floor that didn’t belong to me. I felt my body freeze and my brain went into panic mode. How could I escape this? I went back to bed and lay next to his sleeping body saying my final goodbyes in my head. I loved this man who had given me so much in just a short period of time,  but I had to leave him.  Just like the others he could give me all these wonderful things but the one thing I needed most. And if he’s not cheating now, he WILL and I dont have a plan for how to handle it other than to run.

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With my cheating exes I made the mistake of hanging around far too long. I wanted to ask questions–to know why and how and the who, what, where… I think I’m wise enough to know that none of those details matter now. I don’t have any desire to hang around and torture myself with information that’s not going to change my bottom line. If you cheat, I will be gone without a trace. This time it would be harder than before–a seriously tormenting struggle. When you are elevated to the position of queen, it is a long way to fall when it’s all over. But I would jump from that pedestal in a heartbeat, because who wants to suffer and be told they are not enough when you’ve been devoted to that person the whole time? I grew up with the pleasure of watching my father love my mom, solely, and I don’t think it’s asking too much to want the same for myself.

Anyway, that day JW woke up and noticed my suffering. We talked things through and the logical explanation was given for the hair in the bathroom. I accepted it with fear in my heart, but I still worry. He shows his love for me everyday, goes out of his way to make me smile, waits for me with my favorite whiskey and cups my face in hands and tells me I’m beautiful. But I still worry and it is completely unfair. Past lies and betrayal continue to haunt me even subconsciously and it’s taking a great effort to make sure that I don’t let any of the others that come after reap what the men before them have sown. I wish I knew the right way to convey the message of how a woman can forever be robbed of her security as a result of careless cheating.

Side chick,  main chick, jump off, bottom bitch– it doesn’t matter how you phrase it or how we as women pretend to grin and bear it: no one likes a pumpkin eater.

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(Un)COMMITTED

Vocabulary word of the day: UBC (Uncommitted but committed): An uncommitted relationship with no “title”, where the two people involved have sex seemingly exclusively but have the unspoken option of seeing (having sex with) other people

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I have been avoiding covering this topic for the longest time…but it’s been a prominent practice in my life that has been driving me absolutely crazy for the past few years so I probably should address it. I am back and forth between weight loss and dating topics these days, and I know it sucks but let me explain. I never had to worry about these things before and I’m freaking out!! I’ve mentioned that I’ve always been either plus 30 pounds or minus 30 pounds. I simply enjoyed the slim moments and mourned during the fatty fat ones. Now that I’m closing in on death’s door (turning 30) I have to actually take care of myself and get my weight under control. So, now that I’m dating I need to get that under control, as well. I never thought I would have to worry about it because for some lame reason I expected to be MARRIED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! Anyway, all that to say that I am a struggling ball of anxiety when it comes to dating and because of the new “uncommitted relationship” trend, I’m fucking things up big time.

What is the UBC relationship? Honestly, it’s a Godsend for people like me who are free spirited and indecisive, but what it really is: a modern dating cop out. Maybe around 20% of single 25 and olders aren’t interested in relationship titles but the remaining 80% are full of shit or trying to play it cool (you can quote me on that statistic). It’s old-fashioned peer pressure! “Oh, he hasn’t really given us a title or called me his girlfriend but we hang out all the time and I’m cool with it because he doesn’t have time for anyone else.” (-_-) I don’t know much, but I do know the culmination of dating books, guy advice and life experience tell me that when a person likes you they want to lock it down. If I want to be with you, your penis is mine and it better not even face the direction of another woman. Why would I be ok with you spending all your time with me but still technically a free agent and able to sleep with other women? No, I’m showing up to the draft, I have a jersey with your name on it and you are on MY team! BUT, most people preach about UBC’s and have opinions on it, warn against it and blah blah blah, but I’ll just tell you how I’ve been on both sides of it and if you can identify with any of these scenarios maybe my experiences will be of some warning to you.

Where There Is A Flame Someone’s Bound to Get Burned

So I think we all know that almost immediately after my separation from my husband, I rekindled a romantic involvement with someone from my past. We spent time together, we fell in love, we came, we saw—he had a girlfriend. As painful a revelation as this was, my desire to make things work with the new father of my second child and my blinding love for him made me try my best to work things out. So you would think walking around pregnant with someone’s child and being madly in love with each other would make up the ingredients for the perfect committed relationship…yeah, not so much. What it was, is that I was in love, I needed someone to be there for me while I was pregnant—and yes, I wanted sex, so who better to give it to me than the one who impregnated me in the first place? My emotions were high after all we’d been through and my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I even had men trying to date me while I was pregnant but I chose to stay in a sucky UBC thing with my child’s father because I was hoping that things would work out and eventually blossom into an actual relationship.

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Image from: letsrollforums.com

What it blossomed into was a shameful and oh so stupid part of my life. I allowed someone completely into my soul and body without laying basic groundwork. He came to spend time with me and rub on my pregnant belly, while texting other women he was having romantic relationships with. It tore me apart. No woman should ever have to feel that way—but I take responsibility for my part in it. It was a stupid situation and it wasn’t fun and it wore down my self-worth. We would spend time together but I couldn’t be his friend on any social media, much less tag him in a picture. I lived in fear of visiting where he lived because I knew I would run into some woman he was involved with, or have to face an awkward introduction “This is my friend…mother of my daughter…” It really was just awful. In the beginning, pre-pregnancy, I was a little pleased with the situation. I was just getting over my ex-husband and I wasn’t sure if I should be involving myself with anyone and I just wanted to be free. I wanted a companion and someone to love but I didn’t want the harrowing title of “relationship”. Of course, as circumstances unfolded it was clear the “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” fling was going to come crashing down, hard.

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Image from: quotes-lover.com

Years later we eventually did try to be together as boyfriend and girlfriend, but at that point it was mainly because we were sleeping with each other and we didn’t want the other sleeping with someone else. Some men have a thing about possession, and they want to get you into these UBC relationships, but what they really mean is that they don’t want to be committed to YOU, but expect you to be faithful to them. I’ve been a fool for love plenty of times, but I don’t like double standards so while I was in this UBC I always talked to other dudes and kept my options open (except for when I was pregnant). Anyway, needless to say we didn’t last. I think what makes dating so tough nowadays is that temptation is always there because people don’t have boundaries anymore, and even less people have self control. I couldn’t stay in a relationship and build trust with a person who continued to hang around and correspond with ex-girlfriends and women he had previously been involved with. I know there are women that can, and kudos to them, but I needed more security—and apparently without it I fall apart.  There is no security in a UBC situation.

Hello Irony, My Old Friend

Sooooo, I’m trying to think of how to explain how it makes sense for me to be on the cusp of another UBC relationship, but there is no real logical reason. I guess things started off with two things: 1. My realization that I am open to getting married again and I would like to settle down at some point in the future. 2. Falling madly in like with an awesome guy with whom things won’t seem to work out with! This guy and I were maybe lightly involved at the most, and I did my best to leave things open for him, but women often make fools of themselves waiting around for men who turn out to not be that interested in them in the first place. I waited around for the last guy and missed out on some great things because of it. I can’t allow myself to gamble like that again. So, on the scene walks another guy 8 years my junior, a little rough around the edges but comes in a pretty package and is saying all the right things. He’s infatuated with me just the way I am and wants to be my boyfriend. I cannot commit.

This is insane! This beautiful boy so full of life, he thinks I’m strange and he wants more of it, he wants to own it—and I just can’t allow myself to go there with him. I have one million excuses as to why it can’t work but at the end of the day I have to ask myself if I’m just being scared. It absolutely sucks to be the person implementing a UBC relationship. However, I feel the best thing I can do is just remain completely and brutally honest with him about why I’m not ready to take things to the next level. I had an honest conversation with him and let him know that my heart is not completely in it and I don’t know if it will ever be. I’m unemployed right now; I’m focused on taking care of my babies, finding a new career and my writing. I’m introverted and not used to spending so much time with someone and it’s taking me awhile even to adjust having someone in my space. Finally, I am actually interested in marrying again so I have to ask myself if I should be spending time with a 21 year old. For me, it has nothing to do with wanting to have crazy sex with a bunch of different guys but more to do with just being indecisive in general.

I can whisper this to you all: I did not tell him that I have feelings for someone else or that I AM in fact, terrified! My horrible truth is that the twisted and broken part of my heart truly believes that a UBC relationship is the best way to make sure a man never cheats on me. If we are not officially “together” anyway then I can just up and leave if I find out he slept with someone else or found someone else. AND, it’s not considered cheating because it wasn’t locked in in the first place. This is why the blog is called Embrace the Crazy, because clearly my thought processes are not that normal. I know firsthand that an uncommitted but committed relationship does not personally work for me, yet I’m kind of in the middle of one!!! That is the definition of insanity—but I absolutely can’t pretend that I know what I’m doing. The only thing I really have going for me is my honesty. At the end of the day at least I can say that I never led anyone on and I’ve been uncomfortably upfront about where my heart is so that anyone who wants to involve themselves with me will know that they’re dealing with a fairly messed up individual.

I hardly have any constructive advice on this topic, which is another reason why I’ve avoided it so long. However, I do know that as a person that is all over the place in thought and action, the uncommitted but committed relationship definitely works to my advantage at this moment. It doesn’t test me or challenge me to make any final decisions and it’s really just a cop out that helps to perpetuate my fear of something real. The inner me doesn’t like relationship titles, I like to be free in everything I do and if I didn’t have my moral foundation and my children to be an example for I would probably just live with the man I fall in love with and never get married again. But what I’m doing now is not the same thing and it honestly makes me feel a little guilty. My emotions are split. I have to get my life together and I am not sure what I want or even what I should want at this point.

I should be committed…