Milk

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In my observation, one of the hardest things about modern dating, modern falling in love, modern commitment…is that there is no way of knowing how it’s all going to come to an end. With today’s technologies, attention spans and general cold attitude toward the feelings of others you just never know when your partner is going to send you that fateful “We’re done” text, then proceed to post pics of themselves on social media with the new bae. It sucks, and it kind of makes you not even want to bother with relationships in the first place.

What About Bob?

Before I go any further with this, I have to make the confession that I’m not quite as gangsta about this as I would like to be. Especially when I was in the online dating world I was a savage…ghosting people and not returning calls on a daily basis. I still feel only mild guilt about this because I hardly knew these people and I’m positive they’re over it by now. However, in an effort to not become a total douche bag I told myself I would officially break things off with anyone I had been dealing with for longer than a month.

Just last year as the holidays were around the corner and I was nearing the decision to close up my online dating account, I met a nice man (let’s call him Bob) that seemed pretty decent (meaning not a serial killer). As it turned out, he liked to go on dates, go for walks, talk on the phone and all that other stuff that most online dudes don’t like to do. He had just moved back to the area after living out of town for years so of course he had no car or job. However, none of this bothered me as I hopped in my car and traipsed across town to pick him up for dates.

Meanwhile, enter current beau JW, who I held no interest in whatsoever but just so happened to reach out to me during an open moment. As gorgeous as he was, I wasn’t interested in pursuing yet another dating dud so after meeting him I had no real plans to continue correspondence. I continued to date Bob, and while I wasn’t quite head over heels, I figured he was a genuinely nice guy that had begun to grow on me. However, JW showed persistence, I increased the time of day alloted to him and after more conversations I realized that I liked JW and wanted things to progress in his direction. But what about Bob?

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Well this is the part where I tell you that I told Bob I was seeing someone else, gave both Bob and JW equal quality time until my heart could decide which to keep. (I mean, technically it was perfectly ok for me to continue dating them both until one committed to make me girlfriend but that’s only something I recommend doing if both are equal contenders. If one guy is the clear front runner why not drop the other guy and try to add someone who can make it a healthy competition to the roster? That is, if you’re ok with the idea of dating multiple men…) But, nope! Bob pretty much got dumped via a slow fade out that I thought was classy and gracious but I looked back at my old text messages and realized that I was quite insensitive. Of this, I am not proud.

#WastingTime2016

We all know the right thing to do; if you’re not feeling someone anymore let them go. For the love of God, end it! 

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A few weeks ago, the hashtag #WasteHisTime2016 was trending on social media, and I believe it will probably be the most misunderstood trending subject of the year. I saw it simply described on Twitter as “…made by feminists to describe different ways to waste men’s time” but it is was much more than that. I don’t understand how when men post jokes about cheating on girls, having hoes and finally giving up hoes to settle down with wifey, collective humanity is supposed to jump for joy and shower them with “likes” and accolades. Women everywhere either have the sense of humor and give it a thumbs up, or we smile because we get it, its hilarious …but it also reflects a dating cruelty that’s been done to us and it feels awful to see it play out as some sort of joke on the internet. Waste his time 2016 was our time as women to finally to crack the jokes and have everyone laughing with us and not at us. For me, it was great testament to how strong women can be in spite of how we’ve been shitted on in our romantic lives. We aren’t always the weak ones; more often than not we are strong enough to heal, move on from losers and dare to love again.

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I am definitely an advocate for dating multiple people, keeping it casual, etc—but I do not condone disrespect. There is a way you can date around with no commitment without treating the women you are dating like a smorgasbord of hoes that deserve your inconsistent behavior and ambiguous communications. Why do you have to have a main bitch if you have side bitches? Why not just level with every woman in your life, date casually and if you then want to commit choose ONE and be about that life! If you don’t want to commit then continue on with your lazy susan of women as you please…but it’s just plain wrong to have one woman, that you supposedly like the most, thinking she is your one and only when she is not. If you are treating her like spoiled milk, pour her out. There’s plenty of new milk for you to drink.

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Things I Should Have Never Said and Did When I Expired

I’ve been a sidechick before. I found out after the fact and I truly felt that I was beyond the point of no return and I had no idea how to escape it. My subconscious thought literally was, “I’m in this. I am in love with him now, I can’t leave.” But of COURSE I could! I eventually lived up to the sidechicks dream and became a main but it was the most unhappy, paranoid and insecure time of my life. I didn’t deserve to be with an asshole with a proclivity toward cheating; always worried about who he was texting or what he was doing. Fuck that dude, I was a strawberry kiwi Starburst being treated like lemon!

Ironically, HE broke up with ME…poured me out and allowed me to be free. It was a long time coming but in retrospect I am grateful he let me go. I’m not sure that I ever would have done so myself. I beg of you, when your time comes, when relationship behavior changes and the writing is on the wall, do not be afraid to end things. Also, try not to do or say dumbass things that do absolutely nothing to help your healing process.

Famous Last Lines

-No one will ever love you like I do

Totally not true! Someone probably is currently loving all of my exes better than I could right now at this very moment. The beauty is I don’t care…and I never thought I would even get to that point.

-Social media stalking

Just don’t. I had a huge fight with the boyfriend just the other day and the first thing I did was unfollow him on Facebook. Once things go south in a relationship for me its morphing time and I literally turn into a Power Ranger with a special knack for jealousy and pettiness. So before I lit up his page with immaturity I recused myself. If you break up UNFRIEND (although I really think you shouldn’t follow each other on social media in the first place; do as I say not as I do!)

-I will never fall in love again

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I did; and were my relationship to end I probably would again. Falling in love is easy, remaining in love is the hard part. Trying and working and perseverance is the hard part and the part I think we mourn once relationships end. We resent all that hard work and effort we put into it. The romantic in me believes that someone worth fighting for is always bound to come along if I  am open and free myself from the thought that I am bound to the last person I was with. The practical part of me also knows that there is fulfillment outside of romantic relationships so if I never fall in love again maybe I’ll be a little saddened by that fact but overall I will be just fine.

Relationships from beginning to end are unpredictable. Lets remember to treat each other well, even if it means setting someone free, or making the courageous decision to free ourselves.

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Pumpkin Eater

Apparently you are supposed to judge others based on the reality and actions they’ve shown and not based on what, deep down, you know to be true. All men are cheaters. They simply cannot help themselves! And maybe 30 years ago it was much harder for them to do so because women were perhaps a little more virtuous and less willing to overstep boundaries, but where does that leave us today? Our society has allowed for this by creating a space for threesomes and open relationships and being ok with labels like “main chick”, “side chick” and “bottom bitch”. There is only one title that I want and will accept in a committed relationship, and that’s “The One and Only.”

My outlook on love has definitely darkened significantly over the last few years, and now because of recent events, I feel that I’m being haunted by my past. The good news is that my daughter’s father is able to visit her more frequently. The bad news is that his presence conjures up a dull aching pain somewhere back in the recesses of my heart that I would rather forget. It’s funny how you can persevere and time can allow you to get over a person, but I truly wonder if you can really ever get over the pain that person inflicted upon you. I still remember being told/coming to the realization that I was just a side piece. I screamed out in shock, which sounds so dramatic, but I felt so humiliated it was almost the same as being physically punched in the face.

The mind is so amazing! I find that I am usually able to bury those feelings away. But as I sit here typing this and crying at 5am in the morning, I fear that the agony of it may never completely die. It sits just beneath the surface, simmering at low heat. The first time her father came to see her about a week ago it was pretty uneventful. We actually get along great and things are generally fine between us. However, a few days later, I fell asleep lying in the arms of JW and I woke up on my back gasping for air in what felt like a mini panic attack. I’d had a nigtmare that JW had confessed to sleeping with someone else and I was trying to wake myself up out of it but I couldn’t move. When I finally awakened I felt that oh so familiar aching and I really just wanted to bolt out of there and go home. Instead, I forced myself to grip his hand and will myself to go back to sleep. He laced his fingers through mine and it was a reassuring feeling, but the uneasiness never went away.

A few weeks just before, I was brushing my teeth in JW’s bathroom and my body stiffened as I noticed a hair on the floor that didn’t belong to me. I felt my body freeze and my brain went into panic mode. How could I escape this? I went back to bed and lay next to his sleeping body saying my final goodbyes in my head. I loved this man who had given me so much in just a short period of time,  but I had to leave him.  Just like the others he could give me all these wonderful things but the one thing I needed most. And if he’s not cheating now, he WILL and I dont have a plan for how to handle it other than to run.

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With my cheating exes I made the mistake of hanging around far too long. I wanted to ask questions–to know why and how and the who, what, where… I think I’m wise enough to know that none of those details matter now. I don’t have any desire to hang around and torture myself with information that’s not going to change my bottom line. If you cheat, I will be gone without a trace. This time it would be harder than before–a seriously tormenting struggle. When you are elevated to the position of queen, it is a long way to fall when it’s all over. But I would jump from that pedestal in a heartbeat, because who wants to suffer and be told they are not enough when you’ve been devoted to that person the whole time? I grew up with the pleasure of watching my father love my mom, solely, and I don’t think it’s asking too much to want the same for myself.

Anyway, that day JW woke up and noticed my suffering. We talked things through and the logical explanation was given for the hair in the bathroom. I accepted it with fear in my heart, but I still worry. He shows his love for me everyday, goes out of his way to make me smile, waits for me with my favorite whiskey and cups my face in hands and tells me I’m beautiful. But I still worry and it is completely unfair. Past lies and betrayal continue to haunt me even subconsciously and it’s taking a great effort to make sure that I don’t let any of the others that come after reap what the men before them have sown. I wish I knew the right way to convey the message of how a woman can forever be robbed of her security as a result of careless cheating.

Side chick,  main chick, jump off, bottom bitch– it doesn’t matter how you phrase it or how we as women pretend to grin and bear it: no one likes a pumpkin eater.

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