Confessions of A Come Over and Chill Girl

We all guffaw at the memes and the very idea of the Netflix and chill concept but it seems no one is actually partaking in this phenomenon. Is it accurate to say that we are all laughing at it because we get it but don’t actually participate in it…?

Listen, I am more than happy to be the first one to step up and be real honest by saying: Hi, my name is WG and I am a come over and chill girl. As feminism friendly as we millennials pretend to be, I am sensing there is still a negative stigma surrounding the women who accept their favorite bottle of liquor and open themselves up to potential fondling while watching Straight Outta Compton bootleg edition. However, if you like someone AND you’re lazy— like myself— the concept of Netflix and chill sounds awesome!

Belted Skirt

She does not f*ck for free!

 

I suppose I am low maintenance to a fault and I never understood the whole “I don’t fuck for free mentality”. Hmm, if you fuck in exchange for goods and services doesn’t that make you a prostitute of sorts? With the way that dating has shifted these days; I see both sides and I can’t say that I blame men for not wanting to drop a buck at the nearest Ruth Chris steakhouse for a woman who will most likely pan out to be “nothing special”. OR, even for a woman you just want to use for sex. I spent plenty of time lamenting that men don’t like to take women on dates anymore—then I got over it and decided I could take myself out for a nice time while leaving the extortion out of it. If you really are trying to get to know someone specifically, sure dates are nice. But really if you are just fucking around (an dating multiples), who cares? I mean, Cuffing Season—come on! You don’t want a boyfriend, you want a warm blanket for the winter.

The Do’s and Don’ts of the Come Over and Chill

Don’t Overthink

StFu

When members of the opposite sex get together of course there’s a chance that sex will take place but it doesn’t have to if you don’t want it. Contrary to popular belief, men are not savages that simply have no self-control once they become sexually aroused. What if I told you; it is possible to hang out in a home environment with a member of the opposite sex and NOT sleep with them?! As long as you are sure to…

Netflix and Know

…the person that you’re hanging out with. There is always a possibility that the situation could escalate physically so you want to be sure you are hanging out with the kind of guy that understands that no means NO. I will admit that my first date with current beau was a “chill and hangout” situation that actually could have ended really badly for me. I didn’t know this guy and it was a stupid and pretty dangerous thing to do. I am fully aware that my story could have ended a lot differently and I could be dead. In retrospect, I see the value of a few meetups beforehand (maybe coffee or ice cream) before traipsing over to someone’s house all willy nilly.

*Of course, true psychopaths live among us and have no problem pretending not to be crazy until the time is right to murder you unsuspectingly. That’s why life in general is a crapshoot of horrible stuff that could possibly happen to you but—you know, YOLO, or whatever.

 

DO Invite Friends

Because why not? Looking back on some of the “situationships” I’ve had, I really wish I had taken more ownership and had more control over how the bonding progressed. I felt as if I lived by a rulebook that in actuality does not exist. There are no rules, just the loud opinions and social pressure from others. Meeting the friends and family is no longer a big deal. Maybe it’s just me, but my friends know the difference between someone I’m just hanging out with and someone who is serious. The “What are your intentions with my friend?” scenario is not realistic if everyone is just there to have a great time. If he is SO repulsed by the idea of a group hangout that he chooses not to participate…ok. You can still have a good time with your friends!

DO Wear Decent Underwear

20 MinsBecause you never know…

DON’T Over Accommodate

Yes you can come over, let’s order takeout, go Dutch and be merry! However, you are not my dude and I am not cooking you dinner nor am I fixing you a plate. Do not try to throw me into a domestic situation and expect me to be submissive to you prematurely. It’s fine to take care of a man, but I don’t ever like to feel like I’m auditioning to be someone’s girlfriend. Especially, since folks these days will let you prepare gourmet meals, rub feet and give bomb bjs then proceed to never contact you again.

 

DO Get A Fucking Babysitter

I say that with such force because it’s just the right thing to do! In my savage days I didn’t always do this, and yes my kids are in bed by 8:30 and they always sleep through the night but still it’s the principle. No need to follow in my footsteps and be a total ratchet—though it is hard for single mothers to find time for freaky stuff much less actually just watching a movie. Here is the key: even your friends who don’t like children at all are usually willing to do you a solid every once in a while so that you can enjoy the company of a fine man and potentially get some D. If you take your kids over to your friend’s house already fed and in pajamas SECONDS away from bedtime, then watching them is a piece of cake for anyone.

 

DO Make an Effort

Yes, I’m lazy and after work I don’t feel like REshowering (I JUST showered like 9 hours ago!), beating my face and slipping on my best spanx and most expensive looking dress from Forever 21. However, I try my best not to be just plain sloppy in a COAC situation. The safest route, I find, is workout clothes and some “natural” makeup. Yoga pants are awesome and make your ass look great and most workout clothes are pretty sexy, but moveable enough in case you have to run for your life and/or whoop someone’s ass. (I can’t stress enough that psychos DO exist!)

 

DON’T Let Bougie Friends Kill Your Vibe

Chilling with a dude and watching movies at either of your places is what it is: comfortable, fun and a way to save money. There are women that abhor this type of thing and go on and on about how they have so many dates a week with such and such at insert fancy restaurant here. Good for them—I’m just not that girl, and it is ok not to be. It’s such a strange culture where we place so much monetary value on our worth as people, yet we accept ambiguous relationships and side chick statuses. The truth of the matter is, if a man really wants to build something with you or is full of shit or just having a good time it will be clear whether he spends $200 on you or nothing. If you ever get to the point where you’re over it and feel like you are being used for sex and access to of every episode of Breaking Bad there’s nothing wrong with speaking up.

South Park

Make Netflix and Chill beneficial for YOU, no dude has ever died from abstaining!

 

My entire philosophy for the come over and chill is that it should always be a situation that is beneficial for YOU. I’ve turned down COAC’s before simply because I was simply too lazy to clean my house! In addition to that, I’ve gotten emotionally attached to men who just came over to “kick it” because we ended up spending so much time together vibing and sharing with each other. At that point the conversation was had “Are we kickin’ it, or are we committing to something more?”

Men are only humans and we sometimes allow their actions to have way too much control over how we view and treat ourselves. We don’t like rejection so we walk on eggshells and choose not to confront the questions and issues we may have concerning them. It’s not worth it to “chill” with someone for months on end and think of yourself in relationship purgatory because you are too afraid to ask to go out on a real date. Netflix and chill has been adulterated into an activity that a man can use to keep a woman on a string without spending money on her and committing to a relationship. Let’s go back to it’s origins and the true meaning of what it’s all about: a lazy and cheap good time, and maybe some drunken fondling if the opportunity arises.

I’m just a simple, old-fashioned girl–what can I say?

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#Bae

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Social media is the devil, but I still hear it calling me! My problem is that I do things ass backward by reporting and sharing all the terrible shit that’s going on in my life– dating or otherwise– and I feel weird about sharing when it’s good.

No One Likes A Humble Brag

When I was down and out in relationship hell going through my divorce and break up I felt it was the sworn duty of my friend’s to listen to my pain and anguish with their “Mmhmm, girl’s” armed and ready. That’s what friends DO!! But now that I’ve settled into something substantial with a romantic partner that seems to actually love and respect me I feel a little censored. Who can I gush to about my consistent good morning texts and “just checking in” phone calls? The answer: no one.

I try my hardest to regulate my “JW Says the Darnedest Things” anecdotes to my closest bff, but I think that by now even she has reached her limit. With the surplus of social media platforms, humble bragging has become common but it’s best to gear that shit toward a widespread audience because sharing with individuals might just get your feelings hurt. I was bummed out about this at first but now I see it as a blessing in disguise. Feeling kind of like a fool if I were to post excessive #myboo pictures and statuses has helped me to grow up a little and become a more private person.

Bagel

You Down With OPP?

My entire courting and marriage was kind of like a reality show and its rise and fall was very much everybody’s business. With my second major child-producing romantic involvement I learned to get better about not sharing information with my parents. Now, after doing the casual dating thing and keeping that as under wraps as possible (from my entire family and a majority of friends), this new relationship is the 3rd rule of Fight Club: WE DO NOT POST ABOUT IT! With the exception of the blog, (because to most of my audience I am a complete stranger) I try not to share any photos, change any relationship statuses or speak much about JW or follow him on any medias at all. I have my reasons. ..

  1. I’m not a jealous person but I’ve been made into one by the cheaters I’ve dealt with in the past. (So… I guess I AM a jealous person.) I don’t want to spend my time on IG decoding some thirsty comment on my man’s dinner pic: “Ooh can I have a taste?” No you can’t, bitch. That’s my veal parmesan and you can have several seats! People on social media have no chill, and as a person prone to being bothered by it I may as well see no evil and not friend or follow him on any sites.

Furthermore, what’s done in the dark will always come to light. Becoming Nancy Drew and searching for the “Mystery of the Cyber Flirty Boyfriend” sounds exhausting and, for lack of a better term, PRESSED.

Jealousy

  1. I know my role and I don’t want to put too much stock in Facebook affirming it for me. So far I think I’ve solidified my girlfriend status by being present for conversation during number 2s and the meeting and greeting of friends and children, etc. Furthermore,  it is a good trust building activity for me to take words and action at face value rather than putting too much emphasis on how we are presented to our virtual world.
  2. When and if it’s all said and done between us, my experiences and memories will be enough to haunt and hurt me.  I believe in absolute severance and I would not want to deal with deleting, untagging, unfriending and unfollowing. I do not believe in soft break ups!

Number 3

  1. I am way too personal in this blog– it really is in his best interests to remain nameless and faceless.

<–   (5. I’m terribly unphotogenic!) PHOTOGENIC 1

#Maindude

I am tempted to showboat relationship happiness, almost everyday, and admittedly a little envious of those that have the luxury. My baby is a beautiful man…all tall, dark skin, bright teeth and pretty eyes, OF COURSE I want to photo op our every moment together! However, I recognize that the desire to plaster his face all over the walls of my accounts stems from an immaturity and insecurity within me that wants to yell a big fat “HAHA!” in the face of every stupid guy I’ve wasted my time with, and every woman that gossiped about me behind my back. I don’t need to get in the habit of trying to prove a thing to any of those people. I just need to learn to juggle what life has thrown me and enjoy the moments he and I share together while continuing to be present– living in the moment and feeling everything.

I’ve had romantic encounters before that I always worried weren’t real because we never went viral with it. At some point I began to associate a low media presence with a poor relationship. One thing I have been able to learn about myself is that if a man creates a safe environment of trust, consistency and affection then I could care less about the hash tags. Hanging out on a snowy day trying to understand watching the all star weekend dunk contest with him is an activity to enjoy and not a mini photo shoot. The fact that he is spending that time with me is what matters and to hell with what anyone else thinks or doesn’t or what symbolism lies in the public display of commitment.Relationship Killers

Personally, I don’t even know JW’s stance on the whole social media thing. I know he has Facebook and Instagram but that’s pretty much where we leave it. The moment I enter his presence I put my phone away– and he his– and focus all of my attention on us and savor the freedom of the privacy of we share. As a person that doesn’t mind being an open book and challenges herself to overshare in an effort to identify and include others, I must say it feels nice to be saving a little piece to myself.

We’ll see how long this lasts!

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