Milk

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In my observation, one of the hardest things about modern dating, modern falling in love, modern commitment…is that there is no way of knowing how it’s all going to come to an end. With today’s technologies, attention spans and general cold attitude toward the feelings of others you just never know when your partner is going to send you that fateful “We’re done” text, then proceed to post pics of themselves on social media with the new bae. It sucks, and it kind of makes you not even want to bother with relationships in the first place.

What About Bob?

Before I go any further with this, I have to make the confession that I’m not quite as gangsta about this as I would like to be. Especially when I was in the online dating world I was a savage…ghosting people and not returning calls on a daily basis. I still feel only mild guilt about this because I hardly knew these people and I’m positive they’re over it by now. However, in an effort to not become a total douche bag I told myself I would officially break things off with anyone I had been dealing with for longer than a month.

Just last year as the holidays were around the corner and I was nearing the decision to close up my online dating account, I met a nice man (let’s call him Bob) that seemed pretty decent (meaning not a serial killer). As it turned out, he liked to go on dates, go for walks, talk on the phone and all that other stuff that most online dudes don’t like to do. He had just moved back to the area after living out of town for years so of course he had no car or job. However, none of this bothered me as I hopped in my car and traipsed across town to pick him up for dates.

Meanwhile, enter current beau JW, who I held no interest in whatsoever but just so happened to reach out to me during an open moment. As gorgeous as he was, I wasn’t interested in pursuing yet another dating dud so after meeting him I had no real plans to continue correspondence. I continued to date Bob, and while I wasn’t quite head over heels, I figured he was a genuinely nice guy that had begun to grow on me. However, JW showed persistence, I increased the time of day alloted to him and after more conversations I realized that I liked JW and wanted things to progress in his direction. But what about Bob?

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Well this is the part where I tell you that I told Bob I was seeing someone else, gave both Bob and JW equal quality time until my heart could decide which to keep. (I mean, technically it was perfectly ok for me to continue dating them both until one committed to make me girlfriend but that’s only something I recommend doing if both are equal contenders. If one guy is the clear front runner why not drop the other guy and try to add someone who can make it a healthy competition to the roster? That is, if you’re ok with the idea of dating multiple men…) But, nope! Bob pretty much got dumped via a slow fade out that I thought was classy and gracious but I looked back at my old text messages and realized that I was quite insensitive. Of this, I am not proud.

#WastingTime2016

We all know the right thing to do; if you’re not feeling someone anymore let them go. For the love of God, end it! 

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A few weeks ago, the hashtag #WasteHisTime2016 was trending on social media, and I believe it will probably be the most misunderstood trending subject of the year. I saw it simply described on Twitter as “…made by feminists to describe different ways to waste men’s time” but it is was much more than that. I don’t understand how when men post jokes about cheating on girls, having hoes and finally giving up hoes to settle down with wifey, collective humanity is supposed to jump for joy and shower them with “likes” and accolades. Women everywhere either have the sense of humor and give it a thumbs up, or we smile because we get it, its hilarious …but it also reflects a dating cruelty that’s been done to us and it feels awful to see it play out as some sort of joke on the internet. Waste his time 2016 was our time as women to finally to crack the jokes and have everyone laughing with us and not at us. For me, it was great testament to how strong women can be in spite of how we’ve been shitted on in our romantic lives. We aren’t always the weak ones; more often than not we are strong enough to heal, move on from losers and dare to love again.

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I am definitely an advocate for dating multiple people, keeping it casual, etc—but I do not condone disrespect. There is a way you can date around with no commitment without treating the women you are dating like a smorgasbord of hoes that deserve your inconsistent behavior and ambiguous communications. Why do you have to have a main bitch if you have side bitches? Why not just level with every woman in your life, date casually and if you then want to commit choose ONE and be about that life! If you don’t want to commit then continue on with your lazy susan of women as you please…but it’s just plain wrong to have one woman, that you supposedly like the most, thinking she is your one and only when she is not. If you are treating her like spoiled milk, pour her out. There’s plenty of new milk for you to drink.

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Things I Should Have Never Said and Did When I Expired

I’ve been a sidechick before. I found out after the fact and I truly felt that I was beyond the point of no return and I had no idea how to escape it. My subconscious thought literally was, “I’m in this. I am in love with him now, I can’t leave.” But of COURSE I could! I eventually lived up to the sidechicks dream and became a main but it was the most unhappy, paranoid and insecure time of my life. I didn’t deserve to be with an asshole with a proclivity toward cheating; always worried about who he was texting or what he was doing. Fuck that dude, I was a strawberry kiwi Starburst being treated like lemon!

Ironically, HE broke up with ME…poured me out and allowed me to be free. It was a long time coming but in retrospect I am grateful he let me go. I’m not sure that I ever would have done so myself. I beg of you, when your time comes, when relationship behavior changes and the writing is on the wall, do not be afraid to end things. Also, try not to do or say dumbass things that do absolutely nothing to help your healing process.

Famous Last Lines

-No one will ever love you like I do

Totally not true! Someone probably is currently loving all of my exes better than I could right now at this very moment. The beauty is I don’t care…and I never thought I would even get to that point.

-Social media stalking

Just don’t. I had a huge fight with the boyfriend just the other day and the first thing I did was unfollow him on Facebook. Once things go south in a relationship for me its morphing time and I literally turn into a Power Ranger with a special knack for jealousy and pettiness. So before I lit up his page with immaturity I recused myself. If you break up UNFRIEND (although I really think you shouldn’t follow each other on social media in the first place; do as I say not as I do!)

-I will never fall in love again

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I did; and were my relationship to end I probably would again. Falling in love is easy, remaining in love is the hard part. Trying and working and perseverance is the hard part and the part I think we mourn once relationships end. We resent all that hard work and effort we put into it. The romantic in me believes that someone worth fighting for is always bound to come along if I  am open and free myself from the thought that I am bound to the last person I was with. The practical part of me also knows that there is fulfillment outside of romantic relationships so if I never fall in love again maybe I’ll be a little saddened by that fact but overall I will be just fine.

Relationships from beginning to end are unpredictable. Lets remember to treat each other well, even if it means setting someone free, or making the courageous decision to free ourselves.

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As Long As My Bitches Love Me

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I was in the grocery store with one of my closest guy friends, in the check-out line after spending our entire shopping time talking about the latest woes of my love life. I was knee deep in the online dating lifestyle and I still couldn’t figure out what exactly I was getting out of the situation. My online messaging system seemed to be going off nonstop and before I could respond to one I was receiving a message from another. Meanwhile, the guys that I actually corresponded with on the phone didn’t seem to be really doing anything but randomly checking in with me. My reaction to this was like a crack addict looking for the next high—I was beginning to feel like I needed to cycle in a new batch of men to satisfy my need for attention!

I pushed the cart through the store lamenting to my homie that I would really kill for a guy that could type a full sentence, complete a whole thought or at least offer to take me out to dinner. I don’t know at what point I became one of those high-maintenance, whiny chicks but it had happened sometime during the course of my “internet stock” going up with this online business. I was on fire—what was there to complain about? Well, on top of all of these guys in the virtual world of OKCupid, there was one actual real-live guy I was striking out with at that moment. I met him at a party and in my drunkenness I suppose I completely forgot that to some degree life is still high school.

He walked into the room and my heart skipped a beat and that was a wrap. We exchanged numbers and I was hopeful but things weren’t necessarily going as I planned. It was about two months after our initial meeting and according to MY timeline we should have been on a picnic somewhere with lush green grass feeding each other grapes; congratulations to me; I have won at dating and life. But no, I was stuck in texting limbo with the dude and worried that it was a result of my being completely unaware of his “street value”. Here I am thinking I’ve picked up a quirky painting at a flea market and it ends up being a fucking Picasso (-_-)  I didn’t think about looks enough, I only knew what appealed to me in that moment and I had overlooked the fact that the striking features of his face and waist length dreads meant that he appealed to every woman and their mother. Damn, I got bitches? No, I’m pretty sure this dude had bitches.

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This is how I imagined it, anyway… (Image from Hustle and Flow npr.org)

By the time we reached the check-out line I was on a full-fledged first world problems rant. (I’m not even sure if my friend was even listening to me at this point). Why can’t I have what I want? Why would it be so far-fetched that the hot guy from the party would be interested in me? Sure, he only contacted me maybe once a week if I was lucky and he responded to my texts at the lightning speed of 24 hours later—but what does that matter?! Clearly there was more to his story than meets the eye. Why must I assume that all his spare time is spent fucking bitches when he could very well be gardening, working, exercising, sleeping or lying in a ditch somewhere—and everyone knows that ditches have terrible cell service… I pose these questions to my friend and before he could even open his mouth to respond to my ridiculousness my text notification went off.

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This is similar to the texts I received and how I always wished to respond..(Image from veryhilarious.com)

I looked down at my phone and it was text from the hottest of my OkCupid guys. Without missing a beat I held the phone up to him triumphantly and declared, “Man, who cares about what you think— as long as my bitches love me.” No exaggeration, I literally said this (dork) and of course we started singing the song and acting stupid right there in the grocery store line—it was a fun time. BUT, the underlying and dangerous undercurrent of what I had spoken lingered in the air and it spoke volumes. I was on a power trip and I was seeking gratification through the attention of random men I barely even knew. This was not good…

I’m Not Josie Grossie Anymore

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Gif from: susandennard.com

I can tell you exactly where all of this anxiety and confusion was coming from— residual bs from high school. At the time I was living it, high school sucked but looking back on it now I think of it as pretty awesome. Those not making fun of me were paying me no attention at all so I decided early on to just do whatever the hell I wanted to do anyway. It was extremely freeing to dress, talk, act, look however I wanted and fly just underneath the radar. Of course I wasn’t completely immune and sometimes had to withstand the harsh judgment of my peers but it only really taught me to be more individualistic with a tough edge. …The downside of individualism? No guy in general or guy I was interested in bothered to pay attention to me or reciprocated my feelings.

Fast forward more than ten years later as one of the most good looking guys I’ve ever dealt with stroked my hair and called me a “sexy porn star looking woman” I realized I had arrived. Had I really? No. (Especially since from what I’ve seen porn stars are not really all that great looking. Not that I watch porn—I digress!) I still look the same with more jiggles and creases than ever before— it has nothing to do with how you look and every bit to do with how you carry yourself. Or at least it must because I have no other explanation! As I told a friend a few days ago, I’m thinking of this as my “season” and I’m not going to question it I’m just going to ride the wave and go with the flow!

The only problem is, in going with the flow I managed to get caught up in a current and nearly drowned. I suppose I just didn’t know how to deal with this newfound popularity— it was taking me out of my comfort zone. As a woman that doesn’t know how to choose friends cattily and strategically I’ve ended up with a lot of really hot female friends. My very best friend is thin with a big booty and long silky black hair so I established my place early on. I am the funny one; I crack jokes in the corner. I can relax and be myself and wear and do what I want and the guys that are into my particular brand of weird usually come find me. This has always been the arrangement. Then all of a sudden I had these men looking at a series of pictures of me and making the decision that they wanted to spend time with me and it was seriously messing with my brain! When I met B2 for the first time and he got out of his vehicle, in all his 6’3″ glory, gifting me with a beautiful white smile and bear hug I really just wanted to run. This was some sort of mistake. I am not this girl that bags dudes that look like this. Even now when a “hey sexy” text from him pops up on my screen it makes me groan in turmoil. I’m just a pudgy, single mom, writer type. You have got the wrong girl.

Life is Like A Box of Chocolates…

It’s true you never know what you’re going to get, but if you’re like me you will probably bite into every single one of those seemingly delicious treats until you find what you’re looking for. In my case I became greedy and was taking two or three bites out of chocolate I’d already tasted. (<– not a sex metaphor). It was dude overload! This one is kinda soulful; this one has dark skin with green eyes, that one’s a poet, ooh yay another sixpack! That one likes the color blue; this one knows the alphabet… I was having a hard time trying to narrow it down to just one and during the worst of it I was talking to about seven dudes at once! For this I am not proud but if you read the blog then you know firsthand that I struggle with discipline and entitlement issues. I felt I deserved the right to retain each one of these dudes and somehow piece them together to make the perfect boyfriend and then precede TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Mwahahahahaha….oh, sorry, ahem.

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Not an STD reference, I swear!

Anyway, that was a dramatization but I did feel as if I were that powerful. The big not-so-secret secret is that all woman start off with a significant amount of power in all dating situations by simply being born with a vagina. If you have one you are ahead of the game, trust me. There is nothing as tenacious as a man on his pursuit for new pussy and when you find a website literally full of men on the hunt OF COURSE it’s going to make you feel like queen for a day. I eventually caught on to the fact that it had more to do with these men not being able to help themselves and not really anything I was bringing to the table. Case in point, I was just sitting next to a pretty woman who was talking to her boyfriend on the train. When it was time for me to transfer I noticed that as I was making my way to pass her HE was giving ME a second glance. They seemed a happy couple to me, I know for a fact that this man was not interested in me in the least—but that sure as hell wasn’t going to stop him from sneaking a look. Being “desired” by all these men meant nothing and I am truly glad that my ego trip was short-lived.

Kinda Hard Out Here for A Pimp

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The conclusion of this thing is simple: Pimpin’ ain’t easy! I feel like this experience helps me to understand men and their plight just a little bit more (not that much, though). Anyone who goes into a dating situation without a clear goal or direction is going to leave just as confused as they were when they first embarked on the journey to not be single, not be alone, have a girlfriend/boyfriend, maybe or whatever… I’ve been led on by a guy or two in my day and I couldn’t fathom how someone could be so cruel. WELL—the answer is obvious to me now. I live in a highly populated area where the women are aggressive AND hot AND educated AND have big booties. If you’re a dude it is a freakin’ smorgasbord of eligible choices, and if you don’t know what you want out of relationships with the opposite sex (and life in general) you are bound to waste the hell out of some poor girl’s time or even break her heart. The temptation of supposedly “better” options is always going to be there and I can see how easy it is to get caught up in the Warren G syndrome.

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Image from stephanspeaks.com

I don’t want to be a time waster or heartbreaker and have decided that I would prefer to date with more purpose. On many levels it IS fun to just kind of “hang out” with dudes with no real commitment or obligation. These casual relationships definitely appeal to me because I don’t have to work as hard AND I can use the “we’re not serious anyway” excuse when a guy does something to hurt my feelings or chooses to stop speaking to me when I thought we were really connecting. When I met these guys online I didn’t have to hold them accountable for much and I didn’t have to worry about being disappointed. Now that I will be turning 30 in a few days, I realize that I should probably grow up a little and change my foolish and cowardly ways. One meaningful relationship that challenges me to put my heart on the line is better than several empty and loose romantic involvements that only challenge my skills at text messaging shorthand.

Lessons Learned

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Dems the rules!

  • Everyone has different communication styles! Some prefer to speak on the phone, some would text or message back immediately—others were responsive whenever they got around to it, I assume, but none of it can be interpreted as disinterest. In addition, there are many factors when it comes to written communication; how busy the person is, if they lack communication skills in general, if they are not quick-witted, if they can only text you on their girlfriend’s cell phone while she is sleeping… I found that most of the guys I talked to just weren’t the best conversationalists. This is ok, but as a person that thrives on witty banter and interesting conversation it was clear that these types were not matches for me.
  • Setting standards early will weed out the losers. No you can’t come chill at my house, please don’t call me “Bae”, don’t call me late on weekdays, three weeks of communication with no meet up is a deal breaker—unless they’re a single parent.
  • I am a lot more shallow than I thought.
  • A guy who says he’s on a dating site because he doesn’t have “time” to date is full of shit. You make time; end of story. Abort communication immediately!
  • Unemployed guys are not losers. (I never thought they were, but I felt the need to write this down).
  • If a guy won’t answer why he’s on a dating website then he is either ashamed or married. Abort communication! (It IS a cliché question but one I liked to ask. Some dudes made it seem like I tried to talk about Fight Club o_O)
  • If a guy describes himself as a “homebody” he is not going out on any dates under any circumstances. Abort mission! Image
  • Men are fond of women in general and I shouldn’t allow myself to be intimidated by looks. Just because a man is in the gym 7 days a week does not mean he will mind that I’m at home eating nachos and watching Breaking Bad. Looks are lazy. Your looks are what God gave you by default; any person that places too much value on this is unimaginative.
  • It is best to have no regrets! I said some pretty outrageous, raunchy, crazy things to people throughout this whole ordeal. I never apologized for anything I said or did because I didn’t want to feel like I had to go out of my way to impress anyone. I signed up for the site just like them and being myself should be remarkable enough or we are just not a match. I hope to bring this habit with me to the “in-person” dating world. I think I am too often approached by men who sit back and wait for me to WOW them when it should be the other way around or at least 50/50.

Extras (Fun Stuff)

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Send Me a Pic, Boo: I always hate when dudes who have looked at your profile with like 20 pictures of you finally get your personal information and the FIRST thing they ask for is a picture! I would send them the caricature above and insist that it was a candid picture of me with no makeup and no filter—no one really found it all that funny :-/
Mimicking: I know I say I had a lot of fun, but I do admit that carrying on conversation with these random dudes was extremely difficult at times—especially when they would begin conversation with brilliant things like, “Hey”. After a while, especially via text, I started to just mimic how they would speak to me. The purpose was to subliminally let them know that they needed to try harder. No one ever did. For example:

Him: Hey

Me: Hey

Him: Wyd?

Me: Chillin, wyd?

Him: Watchin’ tv

Me: Tru…send me a pic, boo

Say My Name: Toward the end of the whole experience I was so fed up with all these dudes calling me by my biblical name. It makes no sense but it felt too intimate and I just wanted to be a little more emotionally removed so I started introducing myself to men simply as “Davis” (my maiden name). It was fun to go by a pseudonym and it made me feel safe. I can’t really explain why.
Dirty: My answer to the profile question “What is the most private thing you will admit about yourself?” was “I like it dirty”. It turned out to be a great conversation starter because a lot of men actually took it in a direction that steered it away from the sexual connotation. I was pleasantly surprised by this and glad I had chosen to answer the question with a fun response. Most people totally copped out on it or became defensive that the site was being so personal.
Dating online was a fun experience for me and it actually did help me to feel as if I had gotten my mojo back. I hope you were able to get a kick out this series and enjoyed the read! Surprisingly, this is not all. I am also planning to do a YouTube video extra (Part III, if you will) to briefly discuss my thoughts, feelings and experiences on interracial dating. Don’t forget to “like” the Embrace the Crazy Facebook page for daily doses of ridiculous and subscribe to my YouTube channel for poetry readings, musical posts and more!
Got something you want to say in private? Email me directly at: WG@whiskeyandpoetry.com

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Ok, so I lied! Not all my OKCupid pics were completely realistic 😉

Click here to read Part I: Damn, I Got Bitches: An Inside Look Into My Month of Online Dating.

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…Damn, I Got Bitches! A Inside Look into My month of Online Dating

Author’s Note: I debated a lot about whether I would actually write about this subject. There are so many variables at play; the main things being that I don’t ever want the blog to come off as way of exploiting and violating people’s privacy or making fun of others in any way that is not completely anonymous. Also, though I do it often, I am not all that fond of embarrassing myself! Ultimately I decided that I should always make an effort to give the readers what they want (all 12 of you!) and trust that my purpose and intentions will remain clear throughout my purging process.

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My actual online dating profile pic! Complete with about 7 filters and my most undesirable features cropped out…

The Reasons (In no particular order):

1. There is a negative stigma attached to online dating, kind of like you are definitely losing if you have to resort to such a thing. On some level I used to agree and think that online dating was only for weirdos, losers and murderers. However it’s 2014 and this seems like a natural progressive step for the dating world. After trying it out, I realize there are a lot of good options on the world wide web, though I have found that there are some men attracted to it because it is really fun, but also lazy. “You mean I can pick up hot chicks from the comfort of my own home without loud club music and uncomfortable dress shoes?! Sign me up…”  (Also, it should be noted that the quality of my options were most likely affected by the fact that I chose to use OkCupid which is a free service—as opposed to one that people have to invest money in. I find the word “free” usually attracts an interesting bunch!)

2. I’ve always thought of online dating as a blogger’s wet dream. It is so random and delightfully unpredictable—what’s not to love about it? You can meet new characters almost every day and the plot and story changes as often as you decide to respond to a message. Ironically enough, this is also the reason that I debated about not writing these posts (so much happened, it’s a two-part series). I actually did meet some cool guys that honestly seemed genuinely interested in finding something real. Just because we had a bad experience, ephemeral connection or weird conversation doesn’t mean they are bad people and I wouldn’t want to feel as if I were making fun of them and their quest to find whatever fulfillment they might be searching for online. However, I’ve decided to write this out in such a way that mainly showcases how much of an asshole I am.

3. The final reason, and most likely the main reason I decided to embark on the adventure of online dating is because I had definitely lost my mojo and needed to do something proactive to get it back. I brought in 2014 dragging residual pain and bad habits from my attachment and fascination with a man whose obvious disinterest and lack of respect for me has done nothing but hurt and disappoint. It doesn’t help that due to circumstances beyond my control (Satan?) I keep running into this guy. I am ashamed of how much it continues to unnerve me. I don’t want any person to ever have that kind of power over me. I realized what a hit my self-esteem had taken by continuing to deal with this dude that clearly wanted nothing to do with me but I continued to let him toss me crumbs every now and then. (I’d be totally lying if I said I was over it—but I’m trying to get there)

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Bachelor #1

B1 was an accident and I was really just bored one night and decided to respond to his message. I started talking to him for shits and giggles because normally I wouldn’t respond to someone that would message me declaring that I look “juicy”. Listen, I’m old and I have no idea what the kids are saying. I didn’t know what it meant but I was able to use context clues to figure it the hell out. I took a peek at his profile picture and of course I find that it’s just a body shot photo of oiled up six pack abs. (-_-) Furthermore, he was only 21 and it made me wonder why there wasn’t a filter to get rid of these young fucking dudes! I’ve been a magnet for them lately and I have no idea why.

I ended up talking to the dude and even forgave him after he sent me a dick pic. After we got past the random awkwardness of him using texting shorthand and slang I didn’t understand, we were actually able to have some honest conversations about why we were on the site and what exactly we were looking for. He seemed pretty anxious to meet up and my overall attitude was kind of like “Meh” (For whatever reason I realize that I don’t take young dudes seriously and I don’t want to be disrespectful so I try to avoid them altogether). We met up and he was good looking enough… I just wasn’t really feeling it and I don’t know why. I was really TRYING.

The conversation was good, he wasn’t a psychopath and I felt relaxed enough to completely be myself. After the meet up I couldn’t really tell his vibe but after I got home he text me and told me that he thought I was awesome—or something to that effect. This made me realize that is another pet peeve of mine. If you meet a man somewhere I think he should make his intentions clear and make some effort to create sexual tension. If you keep the vibe friendly then text me later that you’re into me it just really confuses me. Like, um did you have to think about it and decide to be into me or was there some sort of chemistry you were feeling at the moment and you didn’t want to talk about it? Anyway, I kept in touch with the dude via text because I liked his personality enough. I could see us hanging out without me wanting to murder him or tell him shut up and that’s really the stuff that relationships are made of. I decided to meet up with him again and try to be more flirty to try to get something off the ground.

Nope. It just wasn’t happening, and I wanted it to but no dice. He tried to talk about sex, I guess to spice things up, but I was answering questions as if I were filling out a form at the gynecologist’s office and not as if I were into him. When he dropped me off I was even planning to go in for a kiss or something (that always seemed to work for Zack on Saved by the Bell when he was trying to establish if he had genuine feelings for a girl). It turned out that I couldn’t even make that happen. There was just nothing there and I didn’t want to waste time on seven more dates trying to “see” if anything would pop off. Just…no. After that he would text me late at night and I would never really get the chance to respond or feel like responding once I woke up in the morning. I ended up just not responding to his messages and I was debating whether I should send him an “it’s not you, it’s me” email. The tough thing about online dating is that it was totally unclear as to whether I even owed him that courtesy or if it was just ok for me to just end correspondence and hope he got the hint.

Before I could even draft a rejection email he called me. I watched the screen light up on my phone and stared at it, frozen in horror. I didn’t want to talk to him!!! I was doing absolutely nothing, I had no excuse not to answer my phone but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And because life sucks and I’m awkward I was on my phone a few minutes later and accidentally pressed the callback button. I have never hung up so fast in my life! I was hoping it all happened so quickly that the missed call wouldn’t even register on his phone but no such luck. He called me back immediately and I didn’t answer. That was the last he’s tried to contact me and I’m just relieved that it seems we both came to a mutual understanding and that’s that.

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What I want in a nutshell. Why is this so difficult??

 

Bachelor #2

❤ Where do I begin? At a certain point in our lives we sometimes let lust take the wheel and lead us on one hell of a road trip— this was definitely one of those instances. Imagine my surprise when I go to check my messages one day and see a simple “hey beautiful” in my inbox. Oh God, who is this guy calling me beautiful? (I should mention I am a sucker for pet names, I don’t even care how sincere they are). I click on his profile and…my God I felt like I deserved this blessing in my life!! Long dread locs down his back, unassuming lean posture as he looked sheepishly and unsmiling into the camera. I didn’t care that he was  only 23, he was 6’3″!!! I have nothing against the shorter guys but a lady wants to break out her heels at least every once in a while! As a woman that stands above average height there is nothing that makes me feel more soft and womanly than a tall man’s body hovering over me looking down at me when he speaks. In his profile he described himself as laid back which is music to the ears of the high-strung like me. Clearly, I had stumbled upon my husband. Oh, what a fun story we would have to tell our children— this was obvious love at first sight! I messaged him back almost instantly (thirsty anyone?) and immediately gave him my email because I wanted to just hop to it. When can we meet? When can I see you? What are we doing? What will our wedding colors be?

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I wish I could say that when we spoke there was an automatic spark, and I wish I could say that things were easy and just flowed— but no. I had to work just as hard for conversation as he had for his six-pack apparently. I make no apologies for this. As a woman of course I like to look at good-looking men, but when it comes to dating I ultimately don’t care about looks and believe everyone deserves a chance. In this case, I felt he deserved a chance in honor of every single beautifully sculpted muscle group in his body. B2 is not a talker or texter, however and unfortunately this just meant I blathered on while he “lol’d” at stuff. I normally hate this dynamic; it makes me feel like I’m doing stand up and bribing the hecklers to leave me alone by sleeping with them. But sometimes you have to follow your heart and compromise. Haha, totally kidding, I put up with it because I’m shallow :-/

When we finally met in person I was too mesmerized by his obliques to really be good for conversation. I almost completely overlooked the fact that his personality was actually pretty endearing. I didn’t know these guys still existed but he is either completely unaware if his good looks or just humble. Both are shocking traits to me. (I’m not naive, I’m sure he has PLENTY of female admirers and friends and he’s most likely banging them all, he’s 23 for God’s sake!) but I found our encounter surprisingly refreshing.

B2 and I actually still hang out, and it’s just a mutual understanding that we can’t text or I would have to kill him to avenge his slaying of the English language, for one. Another thing, my pet peeve is when dudes hit you up with the “Wyd” and after that have absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation. If I am feeling particularly mean I usually say “Chillin” to make them aware that they are going to have to actually put some work into the conversation. As for B2, our communication is poor but a million times better in person because of his infectious giggle, how he rolls his eyes at me when I’m being ridiculous, and because he doesn’t demand anything deeper from me other than a good time. It is the perfect distraction.

I care about B2 but not in the way a girlfriend cares about a boyfriend. I feel we are enjoying our time together and it is the most light-hearted thing I have ever been involved in. Usually my emotions get caught up or theirs do and the dynamic of the arrangement becomes tense but I really think this one of those things that will simply fade away when one of us stops texting the other. I’ve never had a romantic involvement end peacefully so I have high hopes for this…

 

Bachelor #3

Sighhh, B3 is actually why ended up quitting the whole thing all together and deciding it wasn’t for me. He hit me up on a Super Bowl Sunday and I responded to his messages in between getting ready for the game. When I finally settled in I looked at his profile and discovered he was a cutie! He was maybe kind of a smaller guy but I liked the way his big brown eyes stared purposefully and directly into the camera. He had a beautiful smile and in his messages to me he kept commenting on how attractive he thought I was—which I hated.

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I think I’ve mentioned this before but throughout this experience I in no way wanted to feel like I was cat fishing anyone. I posted plenty of pics on the site showing my full body, sitting down, standing, with makeup and without. I did this because black guys scale of judging women’s bodies is all sorts of skewed. I have an ass, I don’t have an ass, I’m thick, I’m big, I’m short, I’m tall—it’s all a matter of perception. So I posted as many pics as possible so when and if I decide to meet these dudes in person there would be no surprises. The only thing I couldn’t really capture is the gap-teeth because I don’t smile in most of my pictures because my face does a squinty Renee Zellwegger thing but not nearly as cute. Anyway, I just didn’t want to vibe with someone via messaging and text and finally meet up with them and have them accuse me of any sort of bamboozlement. Furthermore, I only consider looks to be about 10% of my appeal so I didn’t really have any qualms about posting a bunch of them.

So, I ended up really getting along with this dude. He was just the perfect amount of asshole/sweetheart mix and I hadn’t had a man make me laugh like that in so long. I was smitten. Eventually we got our single parent schedules to match up enough to have a meet up and thank the Lord he was exactly what I expected him to be. I really felt a connection and I was at least expecting that a friendship would develop between us if nothing else. Yeah—I could never be a fortune teller, I was just so wrong. The texts became few and far between until they just kind of faded into nothingness. I remembered how I had done the same with B1 and how he had the grace and humility to take the hint in stride and fall back so I opted to do the same with B3. I’m going through all my insecure body image stuff and I just kind of realized that if he’s not attracted to me or my body then that’s his right and I can’t force the situation just because I really like him. After all, we met on OKCupid—it’s not that serious.

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I was rejected by a guy I met online– I know, biggest sob story EVER

Even now, I wonder if that was this guy’s deal and it hurts right smack dab in the middle of the self-esteem. But I can’t truly be mad, if you’re not attracted to someone you just aren’t and there’s nothing you can do to rekindle that spark once it dies so suddenly. My little feelings got hurt but I think I’m discovering that I can hardly take a shit these days without my heart being broken. It is inevitable. Everything is a gamble and I just need to smarten up or leave the fucking casino.

Randoms:

The Sociopath

When he hit me up on the messenger with a simple “What’s up, shorty” it was clear he had no manners at all nor was he interested in trying to appear charming. I like that kind of thing.  I wasn’t really all that attracted to the image in his pictures either, but as a part-time ornery person I saw this as an opportunity to practice my asshole skills, and besides, I went into this venture determined not to care about looks. Sighhh, I am not necessarily proud of what developed between me and this dude. I was very much drawn in by his magnetism and there was sexual tension between us that downright puzzled me.

 

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I like crazy, but not THIS crazy

He was very domineering and bossy. It was hard for him to even utter the words “please” or “thank you” and my biggest fear meeting up with him was that he would have no qualms about murdering me. He seemed amoral and dangerous and only more so when we actually met face to face. I escaped alive and in one piece and thankfully I never heard from him again.  I am only thankful because I know I would be stupid enough to answer his call because for whatever reason he did have some sort of strange power over me. I never really wondered if red-haired guys didn’t have souls until I met him…

Gross/Crazy Guy 

His screen name had the word “Pussy” in it and when he hit me up I was really and truly hoping he was maybe a veterinarian with a strange since of humor. Furthermore, he had no pics in his profile so my psycho senses were tingling. I messaged him back and tried to make a joke about his screen name—annnnnnnnnnnnnd he totally ripped me a new one! Apparently his screen name was none of my business AND I’m a nosy busybody. This confused me on some level since I thought that once someone contacted me, their chosen screen name was at least a little my business. He kept sending some intense messages, each a few hours apart so I ended up having to block him. What THE hell?

 

 The Rocker

I still keep in touch with the lead singer of a heavy metal band who is on tour overseas. I actually messaged him first after he rated me highly—he’s one of the few guys I actually initiated contact with. Every time I logged onto the site I ended up spending more time responding to guys who messaged me whether I was interested in them or not. I have never met this guy in person and I have no idea if he is being truthful about his whereabouts— but he writes me beautifully descriptive emails so I really don’t care. It is nice to have a pen pal and someone who challenges me intellectually. He hints of our eventual meeting but I’m not holding my breath and honestly this whole experience has left me completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I really can’t handle much more of this. I’m all over the place with this dating stuff and vaguely aware that I’m not making much sense.

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I hate that I am this way :-/

I’ve been able to learn so many things about myself, men and dating in general from this whole experience. That is exactly what I had hoped to get out of the whole experience. Lately I’ve been finding myself becoming apart of these loose uncommitted sexual relationships and I just want to start dating with more of a purpose and to learn to value myself more. I have dedicated an entirely separate post that talks more in depth about what lessons I’ve been able to extract from the decision to online date—and there are some surprising developments that have unfolded since I’ve started writing this so be sure to read part 2 of this series: As Long As My Bitches Love Me: Lessons Learned from My Month of Online Dating. I’m working on it now and it’s coming soon, I promise!

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More on this online dating ridiculousness coming soon! — Your Homie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Catfish

I was stood up on Valentine’s Day. There I said it. My immediate plan is to eat all the things (cry and do P90x later in the week) and I’m off to a good start having indulged in chips and guac at the perfectly designated digestion time of 9:30am. I am saving the whiskey for tonight.

It’s not the day that upsets me, the day doesn’t really hold any significance to me and somehow I’ve managed to not be cynical or bitter about love. What upsets me is that I am clearly super unaware that I have no idea what I’m doing with this dating stuff. I always think I’m doing fine right up until I’m looking at my watch and wondering “where tf is he?” and secretly just really relieved that I didn’t bother to put my makeup on just yet. It’s gotten to a point where if a guy asks me to come over or go out I always say yes even if I’m busy. Then I just go do the other thing and check my messages only to find that the dude didn’t come anyway. I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

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Would it really kill a nigga to send a text or call to say he can’t make it? I’m a mom so I’m aware that sometimes things don’t go as planned, and when they don’t I keep folks informed. I tell people when I am unable to meet my obligations–strange, I know. I talked to a guy off and on for about a year and every single time we were supposed to get together it fell through because of random stuff and I never found out that he had no intention of showing up until the next day when I would take the initiative and ask what happened. Then I would be given the “dis bitch crazy” treatment. Honestly, I’ve lost track of whether I am actually crazy or if the dating world has gone fucking mad and I’m just completely out of the loop on how to play the new game.

As I type this, the nigga in question from last night is texting me “good afternoon” (he sent a good morning one hours ago). You don’t get a normal ass greeting! Shouldn’t you open with, “I’m sorry I just disappeared on you–I was attacked by a pack of wolves,” or something equivalent? How am I expected to waste my time with this fuckery. This is the part where I usually become vocal and explain exactly why I’m upset and how I feel in detail but …nobody fucking cares. Do you hear that? That is the sound of the world’s smallest violin playing the melody to this whack ass symphony. It is a waste of my breath to explain myself to a person that didn’t care enough to explain themselves to me.

After allowing myself to be disappointed so many times by that same dude for an entire calendar year, I now have a zero tolerance rule against fuckery. If I’m dating a single parent there is room for “stuff” to come up, but if it’s too much my siren goes off and I just shut the whole thing down. I mean, who are these guys that can’t just STOP?! I was talking to one guy and things seemed to be going well, then all of a sudden his responses started getting shorter and he just ended up never texting me back again. See, I can respect the slow fade out more than the “jilted prom date”. Fellas, if you don’t like a girl just go the fuck away!

You’ll Like It, They Said…

I’ve been trying the online dating stuff and I think I’m only popular there because I’m a writer and my profile has just the right hint of hoe in it to keep dudes intrigued. For some reason I thought this would be a fun experience, but for the most part I’m overwhelmed and I feel like the world’s biggest catfish. I’m really not that interesting. I just want to sit in the recliner in my room and write something or vibe to some music. I walk my two year old to a daycare I can barely afford every morning, I still owe half this month’s rent and just yesterday I trekked through knee deep snow to walk to the grocery store because I have no car. I’m poor and lazy and always slightly depressed. I don’t know what I am looking for–maybe just a guy whose actions match his words for once and who can pause from fucking bitches long enough to get to know me. Message me if you like naps pudgy tummies…

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