Let’s Talk About Porn, Baby! (Part 2)

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Everyone loves it–but most are not bold enough to make this move

To me, porn is Like Raymond…everybody loves it—and I mean EVERYBODY. (Sidenote: the boyfriend tells me that I generalize too much and shouldn’t say things like “everyone” or “women” or “black women” because I can’t possibly speak for everyone in those groups. BUT this is my blog I’ll generalize if I want to!) Anyway, I was super naïve when I first starting dating in my late teens and I did not realize that every guy in the history of guydom watches porn. My main gripe against porn at that phase in my life was the immorality of it all. Clearly God sees you watching other human beings bump uglies—how can you justify this when you get to the pearly gates of heaven? My imagination envisioned a movie projection reel of all of your unforgiven sins playing for everyone to see. I could only imagine how uncomfortable it would get when you reach those scenes of you and your left hand going to town while you make O faces in front of your cell phone screen. Awwwwkwaaarrd…


The first time I ever had to come face to face with pornography and its use is when I came to the realization that a guy I was dating owned a sex tape video. My response was, “Ew, get rid of it!” So he did, and I really thought that was that. I didn’t know that, thanks to the lovely invention of the smart phone, kinky sex stuff was only a Google search away—along with phone sex lines and just nasty women in general that eagerly send photos and videos of themselves doing freaky things for the low low price of nothing.

Without going into too much detail—things ended with that guy.  My disdain for his frequent viewing of porn definitely didn’t help us to grow any closer—but once he reached the stage of actually reaching out to real live women to supplement his sexual needs I needed to be done. If I view porn as a slap in the face, then of course actual cheating is a relationship kill shot to the back of the head. Because of this initial experience dealing with a man so heavily involved in it,  I still have trouble believing that pornography is anything other than a gateway drug to a loss of self control that could end up breaking your significant other’s heart.

My Truth About Porn

If you haven’t watched pornography ever in your life, you are either a 12 year old Amish person OR you live under a rock. Well, after my rock was lifted from me I emerged from underneath immediately blinded by the world and it’s blatant sexual immorality.  This is the part where I declare that it was a difficult time in my life yet I nobly rose above it all and continued to live life as a goodie two shoes church girl. Nope!

I became casually involved with a man who practiced watching porn like some sports fanatics must watch the entire season of basketball. It was EVERYWHERE! His phone, computer, house, car—every.freakin.where. By this time, it had been whispered in my ear enough that apparently I am extremely uptight and I needed to get over this natural habit that all men engaged in. To rid myself of the bad taste in my mouth and try to be a little less judgmental I decided to do some research to discover what the fuss was all about. After about 5 short videos of what looked like men using their penises to horribly stab women to death, I was left unimpressed.  But I didn’t stop watching…

SomethingforeveryoneI needed to know the secret—why is porn so interesting to people? Why did it consume so much time of the man I was currently dating? I didn’t get it! I would turn on the videos and wrinkle my brow trying to figure it the fuck out like it was the theory of relativity! It started out as curiosity—which quickly turned into masochism. I eventually drilled down into what I was watching and discovered that there are apparently levels to this shit. Threesomes, milfs, grandmothers, black men, transgender, lesbian, midgets…! Whoever you are and whatever you like to get into there is a specific type of porn for you, my friend. And let’s not get started on when I discovered that there is pornography specifically for women—THAT was my shit. Nothing more stress relieving than finally finding your own porn niche—then laying awake at night hating yourself and realizing you’ve become just like the men you spent so much time judging and hating for the very same habit. It was the very same addiction, even if it was on a significantly smaller scale.

My involvement with the porn-obsessed guy came to its natural demise for a myriad of reasons. Looking back on our sexual relationship, I realized that I was very much being objectified almost 90% of the time. At a certain point he was into filming us together which I thought was a better alternative to him enjoying strangers having sex UNTIL I realized that he kept an archive of videos of all the women he’d been with. Boy was my face red! I mean, I joke now because experiences like that and similar have toughened me and I know better than to succumb to that kind of bullshit. However, the experiences with these two men have had lasting effects on me. I will lay with you and listen to your most secret fantasies and desires, but I will not watch porn with you or involve myself in any way. I just can’t.

My Truth As A Woman


Feminism is hard

I read an article the other day, that cheerfully informed me that more women in their 20s and 30s are starting to watch porn. Yay feminism—this is so awesome! Oh wait, no not really. I take such issue with modern day feminism sometimes because, in my opinion, it puts way too much focus on sexuality. Feminism is the cool girls table while some of us are still nibbling pizza at the corner table in our ratty, out of fashion jeans and oversized t-shirts.  If you prance around in a midriff shirt, take control of your own pleasure and run a marathon without a tampon you are somehow doing feminism right. However, I see feminism as the freedom to choose who you want to be as a woman and not be judged or treated unfairly because of it. I prefer not to breastfeed in public, I do wear provocative clothing, I don’t want anyone to ever know when I’m on my period EVER… I don’t want to invite pornography into my romantic relationships. Those are my choices.

 I was sitting in the apartment of a man I used to date when he politely asked if I had opened the weblink he sent me. This particular man was a genuinely good guy, so gentle with me and seemingly open and honest. The first time he text me a link to some “check this out” porn I was a little thrown off guard but I wasn’t completely upset about it. I watched the link because I was curious and I was trying to figure out what my action item was supposed to be. (Should I take notes? Can I even angle my head that way? Is that possible to do without throwing up?) In spite of how I feel about porn itself, I try very hard not to be judgmental about sexual fantasies of my significant other (unless it’s super weird stuff or threesomes—ain’t no way I’m going to just let you invite another bitch up in what we have.  I don’t even know her, and how greedy are you for wanting more than one woman when you can barely handle—ok sorry, tangent!)

I sat before him in the chair of his living room and finally I opened the link. I watched the video of this ratchet ass woman (with a terrible weave) performing sexual acts that I had JUST PERFORMED ON THIS NEGRO A FEW MOMENTS AGO! It wasn’t a knock down drag out fight that ensued—rather I just imploded.  Tears rolled down my face and I just didn’t want to see anymore. I felt stupid and completely embarrassed and confused. If I am physically providing for you, swinging off ceiling fans and meeting your needs within the privacy of our relationship why do you need a supplement? I take pride in at least attempting to be a lady in streets and a hoe in the sheets—then you send me a pornography link of a nasty ass woman who is just a hoe in sheets, streets and meet and greets?

I don’t ever want to feel as if I am censoring my partner and their sexual preferences/fantasies—however, I always have to be clear about just how uncomfortable certain things make me. When it comes to pornography: I just don’t get it! Because of my past dealings with men who were heavily involved in pornography to the point of addiction I just don’t want anything to do with it. Period. As Thick Biggems (tee hee) mentioned in the Part 1 interview—if you are having sex with someone you should be able to have open conversations about your sexual activities and your dos and don’ts. Sex is everywhere and it seems to me that there is an abundance of pressure on women to be sexy; invite your friends into your sexual exploits, cook a great meal, suck a great cock etc. etc.  When I finally got around to exploring my sexuality (in mid-to late 20s—which is fairly late) it was difficult for me to sort through all of these outside messages to discover who I was in the midst of it. The discovery is well worth the effort. The obvious life lesson here is: just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean that you have to or even that you have to take part in it. My stance on pornography may seem immature to some—but it is just that MY stance.


Well, at least I won’t be saying this!

Whatever anyone chooses to consent to in the bedroom is absolutely their business. I think of sex as fun, exciting, experimental—all of that—but I still don’t quite understand the role of pornography in all of it. Perhaps for those who are single and not seeing any action, or couples that enjoy watching it together, but as far as young men with steady (even multiple) sexual partners I don’t understand the appeal. It’s not for me to understand—and that’s ok. Fellas, if your girl is not into it she is not lame or uptight–it’s just not her preference. Before the luxury of watching other people having sex, I’m sure the caveman thought of several ways to keep things spicy in the bedroom. I don’t know, maybe even circle back around to missionary–I don’t think anyone does that anymore! 😜


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Let’s Talk About Porn, Baby! (Part 1)

PART 1 Screenshot

Who watches porn? EVERYONE!

Pornography has been a contentious issue in almost all of my love relationships but now that I’m not 19 years old anymore I feel like I have a much clearer understanding of it. Not to say that I am comfortable with pornography, but because I’ve pushed myself to open up a dialogue about it with my sexual partners I feel more comfortable talking about it here. I seriously have come to the conclusion that I have a vastly different take on pornography itself, it’s purpose and it’s impact on romantic relationships and I am posting this two part series for the same reason I’ve posted everything to this site so far: because I believe that I am not alone in my thoughts and beliefs.

But enough about me… for now. I will share my personal experience in Part 2 of the series, but Part 1 is more about hearing about this topic straight from the horse’s mouth. When one of my follower’s on social media reached out to me and shared that he was an amateur porn star—after I got over the initial shock— I immediately segued into “I must interview you for the blog!” As cheeky as I have been (no pun intended) during promo for this two part series, I have to confess that this interview was not easy for me to do. That being said, many thanks to my gracious interviewee, Thick Biggems*, for putting me at ease and being so willing to speak candidly and share his experiences.

In my opinion there is nothing significantly raunchy in these posts—these posts are not meant to be salacious at all but to be informative and to offer different point of views for a topic that has probably affected lots of people more than they would like to admit or confess. If you are easily offended or know me personally and are clutching your pearls in disbelief at the thought of me writing about such a topic please SKIP THIS POST! Also, because of content alone this two part series is NSFW—if you must, please keep in mind that the blog is a mobile friendly site.

Happy Reading!

(*Thick Biggems is so NOT his actual amateur porn moniker but he said he didn’t care what pseudonym I used for him so I went a little nuts—AGAIN, no pun intended!)

Embrace the Crazy: Ok, so this is bizarre but we’re doing this so—let’s get started! Do you believe that all males watch pornography?

Thick Biggems: Those who don’t there is definitely a difference about them, I know lawyers, doctors and Pastors who—

ETC: Sorry, Pastors?

TB: Yes, Pastors that star in sex videos, that have fetishes, I’ve seen it all. People are human.

ETC: But what about, I don’t know… holiness?

TB: Everybody has skeletons! Laughs. Most men watch porn, how often and why is for all different reasons. Some used to watch it but now they don’t because of circumstances (ie. lack of time or privacy). Some never have and their wives and girlfriends suffer. Some watch it to get that kinkiness out of their systems because they can’t share their fetish. Me? I watch it to learn and I think its funny! The plots are cliche the talent is repetitive, it’s like wrestling— it’s entertainment.

ETC: What age were you when you first started watching porn?

TB: I was 11 or 12. I moved from the city to the suburbs. I was used to going outside to play. It was the first time I had to be inside because there were no other kids outside to play with.

ETC: So it was essentially a result of boredom?

TB: Yeah and being nosy. There was nothing outside to do so I ended up finding my step-fathers porn stash. He had about 15 VHS tapes. Most were several movies recorded on a tape. That was how I learned why he always had fat woman jokes! My mom had never been fat but he watched BBW porn. There was some adult cartoons, which I remember finding on a rainy day. I chose a tape and I went to put it in when my mom asked what I was about to watch. When I told her she quickly grabbed the tape, laughed and said those aren’t the same kind of cartoons. laughs

Those tapes shaped my sex life. I studied them long before I lost my virginity so when I say that I am a professional pussy eater (PPE), I mean it.

ETC: Wow…so you’re 11 years old watching adults on tape… I—

TB: I always had a thing for older women. The women on the tape were older—it caught my attention.

ETC: You knew you liked older women at age 11? So girls didn’t have cooties for you, I guess?

TB: Yeah, I was a natural born freak. I always had a thing for older women, they caught my attention. When I was 12 my mom had a friend that was 24…I was always tryna fuck. I always liked older women.

ETC: Even now? How old is too old?

TB: laughs I guess it depends on how well they are kept up. The oldest woman I’ve been with is now 50. She is an adult magazine model.

ETC: So at what age did you become sexually active?

TB: I didn’t start having sex until 15. Baby Got Back shaped my life! Since then I was watching asses and feeling on asses.

ETC: laughs Wow, so please tell me how one goes about getting into the amatuer porn business? Do you wake up one day and just say “Oooh—“

TB: The people I was hanging with were already into that area of work. At some point you see all these naked women around and they ask “D you want to be in the film?” Shit, why not? For some it can be that easy…others have to solicit themselves to get to that level when all they really need is a camera and an internet connection.

ETC: Ok, so from what I know porn is different when it’s self-directed. It’s worse… like, really bad…

TB: It depends on the fetish. If you want mainstream Hollywood then you’re not going to like it but if you like the girl down the street you will choose amateur porn all the time. There is no makeup and if she’s not feeling it [the sex] then she’s not feeling it. It’s not acting—it’s real and raw. It’s the fly on the wall point of view.

ETC: Assuming the fly on the wall is into human porn?

TB: Right. A lot of people like live shows, that’s all amateur porn is.

ETC: I’m sorry, what do you mean live? It’s like a webcam?

TB: Yeah you can use a webcam. There’s a site where you can set up times and let people know that you’re about—

ETC: About to bang some chick?

TB: Yup, and they can watch live online with you. It’s an extra, added thrill to see how many people you can entertain from all over. There’s a big difference when there’s 10 people watching you, versus 200 people.

ETC: And you’ve had as many as 200 people watching?

TB: Yeah, probably upwards of 200 watching at one time.

ETC: My brain can’t process this.

TB: That was a one-hour live stream. After—

ETC: Hour long sex on camera sounds intense!

TB: Oh yeah, we used to shut that site down! Laughs

Anyway…grab a camera or use your webcam and pick a site to upload it to. It’s always a new site to do it yourself or go to a website, hit the contact button and send an email. Unfortunately, a lot of people get dragged around trying to get into it, they are quickly reminded of the business bottom line and it’s their first and last shot at it.

ETC: Ok, so define amateur pornography? Self directed?

TB: Amateur Porn is anything that is not mainstream. If you are not under contract with one if the major companies, or not making six figures from it you’re an amateur. Yes, you direct it and you are in charge all the way around. You film when and with whom you want.

ETC: So at the time you were doing this were you involved in a romantic relationship? How did that go over?

TB: Yes, it was pretty much the basis of our relationship. Having that much sex with anyone your feelings are inevitably going to get involved a lot more so than when you started out.

ETC: So, you’re a man admitting that sex is directly related to emotional intimacy?

TB: Yeah, the intimacy was live. If you take two sexually compatible people and record it, it is different than recording two “actors” that look cute together.

The type of amateur porn I did is called couples porn. I met a popular online amateur porn actress one day— I knew nothing about her—my roommate knew her and ran a porn site that wanted to hire her. I came home early from work one day, I’m chilling in my livingroom and my roommate comes home. I open the door and it’s him and a slim chocolate girl at the door. Long story short we ended up fucking that night. She told me who she was and that she wanted me to be her boyfriend and stunt cock. I thought, why not? You only live once! We were together for a couple of years and filmed a lot during that time.

On the positive side it was lots of sex, lots of fetishes. She called me Daddy pretty much from day 1 and told everyone that was my name. She had grown men calling me Daddy! We had threesomes and foursomes, she would bring me girls— I had another girlfriend, she had another girlfriend. We actually had a threesome the night we met, she later told me when I opened the door she knew there was something special about me and she would have done anything to have me. When I was with her I lived a lot of men’s fantasies.

The negative is that I lost privacy and sometimes I didn’t want to have sex but it pays so I got to work. You may get noticed so be ready for it! Someone actually sent me a message on my personal porn site and addressed me by my government name saying, “I didn’t know you were a porn star!”

ETC: But overall it sounds like you don’t regret the decision to do porn?

TB: You have one life, no need for regrets I had a lot of fun. Nothing happened to me the whole time. I have a lot of memories and learned a lot of things, laughs.

How many men can say they fucked a porn star and a famous model the same night on more than one occasion and literally never paid a thing?

ETC: What about morality?

TB: What about it? As long as you didn’t hurt any kids or old people and you did no one harm then you didn’t do anything wrong in my opinion. Everything I did is what was asked of me. It wasn’t anything that I insisted on doing.

ETC: So you consider yourself “retired” from the business. What role does pornography play in your life now? Do you watch it?

TB: It’s entertainment and it’s educational.

I learned from a porn when I was 12 that to be great at sex you must become one with your dick. I do penis exercises, I can make it jump dance swing in circles in rhythm controlled. I can give a G-spot orgasm and will turn a lesbian on when she see me in action! Porn is the reason I am great at sex, I have always been freaky, but preferred a lot of sex with one partner instead of sex with a lot of partners. I still watch porn daily but I always keep my eye open for my content now. My significant other knows everything about my past and she watches it daily sometimes too. For the most part that’s it, I no longer cam or promote any of my videos.

ETC: You find pornography entertaining?! Ok, so is it a Kevin Hart movie or are you turned on by it?

TB: It’s more Kevin Hart. I can watch for hours throughout the day and not get hard at all. I’ve been there and done that—I know what happens next.

ETC: Umm, so that’s my point of view with this whole thing. You said you know how it ends, it doesn’t turn you on—so watching routine porn doesn’t make it anti-climactic when you go to have actual sex?

TB: No, it all comes from being a natural freak and working in that industry. I critique it too much to be turned on by it. If I’m turned on by it then it must be really good.

ETC: So physical sex with a woman has not lost its thrill?

TB: No, ain’t nothing like the real thing. If sex is boring, pick up the Kama Sutra!

ETC: The conversation?

TB: No, Kama Sutra.

ETC: Oh, boooo! I was all into it, thinking you were saying to make the conversational bond more interesting and to work on communication to have better sex. But you killed it—you said pick up the Kama Sutra.

TB: From a woman’s point of view, it’s all emotional so the conversation is going to build the climax. But for the dude who is bored in the bedroom— pick up the Kama sutra. From the male point of view, variety is the key to happiness.

ETC: I just keep thinking of the movie “Sex Tape” when Jack Black’s character says the key to keeping it exciting in the bedroom is to remind yourselves why you started fucking in the first place…

But anyway, tell me what advice you have for women who are uncomfortable with their significant others watching porn?

I’m writing this post but I’m not altogether comfortable with pornography at all. I can’t say that I haven’t watched it but I’m not completely comfortable with my man watching it. I’ve had exes that were deeply involved in porn to the point of what seemed like an addiction.

TB: It’s all about having a conversation. Understand why your man watches porn and find out if there’s any wiggle room for compromise. If you can’t talk openly about sex then you’re not ready to have it with that person. Have the conversation and find where can you compromise if anywhere because porn is not for everybody.

ETC: I appreciate you saying that.

TB: As long as it doesn’t get to the point where it’s out of control. If there is something different he’s looking for as far as fantasy or fetish there can always be a conversation. That’s a way to feel included but not include yourself in everything. You have to be non-judgmental about it.

ETC: laughs I struggle with that, I am very judgmental.

So what’s the wildest thing you have ever done during your career?

TB: I drove all the way to New Jersey to smack around a white girl.

ETC: Um wait, what?

TB: There is a fetish where white girls like to be slapped and abused by black men. A man paid me and a friend to come up to New Jersey and slap around white chicks. I thought my roommate was bullshitting me when he told me but I said the next time he goes up there I will go with him. We drove all the way there but the girl changed her mind and backed out at the last minute.

ETC: So you did not get to slap any white chicks that day?

TB: No, did not get to slap any white chicks that day. But, hey I get it—reparations have to start somewhere!

ETC: Wow, I’m going to have to edit that out!

Let me get back on track, what advice do you have for women that are uncomfortable with their significant other’s filming their sexual encounters.

TB: No means: no. It should only be done with complete trust and honesty, but, if you feel funny then don’t.

ETC: Do you believe a woman should be alarmed if their significant other watches kinky pornography? BDSM, fisting, slapping around white chicks…?

TB: Depends on how weird it is. There are levels.

ETC: What would be a deal breaker for you?

TB: Anything with bodily fluids is off limits and OF COURSE children.

ETC: Well, technically semen is bodily fluids.

TB: I mean more like golden showers, scat and throw up—

ETC: Golden showers are off limits? I thought that was fairly common…

TB: I tried once. Some things you’ll just try.

ETC: I’m curious, were you actually in a shower?

TB: Yeah.

ETC: I just wondered about the whole clean up situation…What are your thoughts and feelings about women who watch pornography?

TB: That’s great! It’s a wonderful thing. In a lot of cases it shows how in touch you are with your sexual self.

ETC: I totally disagree!

TB: Well, I said in most cases. There are exceptions to the rule! Not every woman has sexual creativity so you can let porn be your muse. I think women who watch porn are generally less stressed and have a good sense of humor. They also tend to be down to earth and more open minded when it comes to sex.

ETC: I’m a prude. I guess from personal experience, I believe that a sexual experience is more enjoyable for man and woman when they have abstained from masturbation and pornography. Agree or disagree?

TB: The anticipation and anxiety of abstaining can make you cum quickly and very hard. It could also do the opposite and kill your sex drive or make it harder for you to cum—which is why you should know yourself and watch a porn if needed so it can help get you that spark you need. Abstaining from time to time can be good thing but think of your sex drive like a car— you want it to stay running smoothly so at least start the engine and let it run even if you don’t drive anywhere.

A good exercise if you are abstaining from porn is masturbating until you’re about to cum then stopping before you do. This will build up the intensity of your orgasm and if you are a minute-man this might help you add some time on. Sex is fun so always try to make it fun…

ETC: Wow, I feel like I’ve learned a lot—maybe too much laughs

Thank you so much for doing this interview, I very much enjoyed getting the male point of view.

…and there you have it! Possibly an anti-climactic interview but keep in mind that I am no Barbara Walters– this is my very first time doing something like this, AND more importantly, it’s not over! Part 2 of this series is coming at you very soon so check back into the blog to find out my commentary and point of view.


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