Temporary Insanity

 Day 3: Random Things from Today

Dude this morning dancing on the metro pole like a stripper.

Chatting with the receptionist turned into a story about how she tried to break the cycle of her family having children out of wedlock by trying to coerce her daughter into having an abortion. She then proceeded to show me pics of her grand daughter…

I must stop answering compliments with, “Yeah, I know. I’m so ridiculous”

I swear it was 10:30 A.M. for three hours!! Did anyone else notice that???

The other temp insisted on introducing himself to me. He cornered me in the breakroom and decided to tell me his whole back story. That’s one more person I have to fake smile at whenever I walk back to my office and say things like “Hanging in there?” *insert chortle here*. Anyway, he was attempting to have a conversation with me and I completely forgot that some people don’t understand sarcasm. After telling me he just came back from spending three years in Eastern Europe (maybe narrow it down, please? Not everyone is into geography!) my response was, “Oh, so you’ve just lived a boring life before moving to DC and working for the temp agency.” He just kind of looked at me like I was some stupid, uneducated bitch—which I am, but I don’t want to be looked at that way! He then proceeded to leave the microwave door open and it beeped for the rest of my lunch break. FML, dude!

 I spent most of the day listening to my supervisor apologize to me for making me do such menial tasks. My guess is that she took another look at my resume and realized that I’m a bit over qualified to be spending my days assembling bankers boxes and folding and stuffing envelopes. She really is just the sweetest lady, though I’m a little skeptical now because of the company she keeps. Today she went to lunch with the lady who laughs obnoxiously loud and snorts in derision. I don’t like people who snort in derision.  I am also not entirely sure derision is a word. (Unrelated: I don’t like people who use vocabulary they are clearly unfamiliar with).

I hope tomorrow is bring your flask to work day…

Can Someone Help Me With My Box?

Day 2: Uncomfortable Incidences: I spilled an entire trash can full of shredded documents on the floor of my bosses’ office– enough said

Missed Connections: S/o to short haired girl on metro with Super Mario Bros t-shirt and awesome dubstep/dance playlist on her headphones.

I brought Ramen noodles but no bowl to microwave it in. I also chose to wear a blazer over a one piece jumpsuit  so I had to get completely naked to use the bathroom…sometimes I really do hate myself. On top of that, I lied to the sweetest woman in the world today (my supervisor). I told her I might need to take an important call on my cell phone. She was fine with it and nice enough to ask me if it was from an interviewer and what job it was for. It was an interview alright– but it was social services calling to let me know if I’m eligible for food stamps or not. So, in order to avoid the awkwardness of my honesty I just told her I interviewed for some EA job. Seriously, it’s as if the universe doesn’t think I’m aware of how poor I am and keeps creating scenarios to remind me!

I also wrestled with bankers boxes all morning. It took me way too long to assemble the first one, so much time that I’m wondering if I should just add the phrase “idiot savant” to the special skills section of my resumè. I was also preoccupied most of the day. Working with boxes had me focused on the state of my very own box and thinking salacious thoughts. Just as I was seriously (sort of) contemplating celibacy, a sexy proposition falls into my lap and it’s looking like I just might be in the mindset to accept the offer. I need some discipline…and more whiskey.

–Your Homie