Temporary Insanity

 Day 3: Random Things from Today

Dude this morning dancing on the metro pole like a stripper.

Chatting with the receptionist turned into a story about how she tried to break the cycle of her family having children out of wedlock by trying to coerce her daughter into having an abortion. She then proceeded to show me pics of her grand daughter…

I must stop answering compliments with, “Yeah, I know. I’m so ridiculous”

I swear it was 10:30 A.M. for three hours!! Did anyone else notice that???

The other temp insisted on introducing himself to me. He cornered me in the breakroom and decided to tell me his whole back story. That’s one more person I have to fake smile at whenever I walk back to my office and say things like “Hanging in there?” *insert chortle here*. Anyway, he was attempting to have a conversation with me and I completely forgot that some people don’t understand sarcasm. After telling me he just came back from spending three years in Eastern Europe (maybe narrow it down, please? Not everyone is into geography!) my response was, “Oh, so you’ve just lived a boring life before moving to DC and working for the temp agency.” He just kind of looked at me like I was some stupid, uneducated bitch—which I am, but I don’t want to be looked at that way! He then proceeded to leave the microwave door open and it beeped for the rest of my lunch break. FML, dude!

 I spent most of the day listening to my supervisor apologize to me for making me do such menial tasks. My guess is that she took another look at my resume and realized that I’m a bit over qualified to be spending my days assembling bankers boxes and folding and stuffing envelopes. She really is just the sweetest lady, though I’m a little skeptical now because of the company she keeps. Today she went to lunch with the lady who laughs obnoxiously loud and snorts in derision. I don’t like people who snort in derision.  I am also not entirely sure derision is a word. (Unrelated: I don’t like people who use vocabulary they are clearly unfamiliar with).

I hope tomorrow is bring your flask to work day…

Can Someone Help Me With My Box?

Day 2: Uncomfortable Incidences: I spilled an entire trash can full of shredded documents on the floor of my bosses’ office– enough said

Missed Connections: S/o to short haired girl on metro with Super Mario Bros t-shirt and awesome dubstep/dance playlist on her headphones.

I brought Ramen noodles but no bowl to microwave it in. I also chose to wear a blazer over a one piece jumpsuit  so I had to get completely naked to use the bathroom…sometimes I really do hate myself. On top of that, I lied to the sweetest woman in the world today (my supervisor). I told her I might need to take an important call on my cell phone. She was fine with it and nice enough to ask me if it was from an interviewer and what job it was for. It was an interview alright– but it was social services calling to let me know if I’m eligible for food stamps or not. So, in order to avoid the awkwardness of my honesty I just told her I interviewed for some EA job. Seriously, it’s as if the universe doesn’t think I’m aware of how poor I am and keeps creating scenarios to remind me!

I also wrestled with bankers boxes all morning. It took me way too long to assemble the first one, so much time that I’m wondering if I should just add the phrase “idiot savant” to the special skills section of my resumè. I was also preoccupied most of the day. Working with boxes had me focused on the state of my very own box and thinking salacious thoughts. Just as I was seriously (sort of) contemplating celibacy, a sexy proposition falls into my lap and it’s looking like I just might be in the mindset to accept the offer. I need some discipline…and more whiskey.

–Your Homie

I Hope There’s No Camera in the Break Room

Day 1: Uncomfortable Incidences

            Got lost on my way to the bathroom (this is a given)

            Accidentally knocked down paper towel roll

It appears some of my cheap ass nail polish has smeared onto a few  documents

 I’ve squoze back into my little work pencil skirt and here I am, behind a desk again. The awesome upside is that because I’m specialized in the accounting field I get paid a little bit more than the average temp to essentially do the same filing and data entry crap. For this I am grateful! I’m sure I don’t have to share exactly how and why temp work absolutely sucks. For starters, I’ve met everyone on staff via awkward hellos as they were en route to the breakroom and/or bathroom. Also, you have to get a key from the receptionist to use the bathroom and I’m just not sure Mary and I are that close where she should be privy to my bathroom habits.

This morning I walked into the break room and the very first thing I noticed was the huge screen tv in the corner and a bottle of wine next to the coffee pot– things were looking up! However, microwaving my leftovers for lunch I noticed there was organic ketchup in the condiments drawer soooo I’m just hoping to successfully avoid the person that belongs to. (Organic ketchup = douchebag). I’m working for these cute little ladies that are all chatty and no clear directions. They’re so busy they barely wait to even listen to all I have to say before they’re moving on to the next thing– which works for me because I trail off the end of my sentences anyway because lazy. The major dilemma of the morning is that my breath smelled appalling. I usually keep gum in my purse but I had to swap out my hippie “Jerusalem” sack that my parents gave me when they went to Israel, for a regular purse and some stuff got lost in the transition. So, I’m towering over these tiny women with my awful breath and I think I know what a fire breathing dragon feels like.  You know, minus the power of setting people on fire to get what I want. Wow, this is starting to sound crazy!  Goodbye for now, I’ll keep you posted on day two.

Notes to self:

-Stop saying “yeah” say “yes.”

-Maybe less eyeliner tomorrow, your eyes keep watering.

-Bring snacks, you are HUNGRY!

-Remember the high powered electric stapler makes a loud noise and try not to shit yourself every.single. time you staple something!

–Ur Homie