Bodies (Excerpt from Open Mic)

Open mic highlights from this past weekend!

Trippin’

I feel like each year I allow one person to get under my skin. There is always the one person that moves me for inexplicable reasons and I’m half in love— geekin’ over their very presence. Sighhhh, I was REALLY hoping it would be someone different this year. One stupid email exchange and I’m up at night lying awake in my lust and exploring possibilities. I hope he reads this so he knows it’s only wise to run.

I just want him—and that’s all I really know about it. I reached out to him under the guise of friendliness and he pushed the closed door slightly ajar. I then kicked it wide open spilling all of my residual feelings into the room, making a mess of things. What is it about this man? I feel I’ve written for this dude a hundred times and I still don’t have what it takes to keep his full attention. Falling back is the next logical option, but I’m not dealing with logic and reason. I’m wrestling with self-control as reckless desire envelopes me and I’m on fire with anticipation of what will eventually turn out to be nothing.

I need some discipline—
I want to let him in
I can taste it so sweet, just before the sour
But by daring to savor I relinquish my power

Video from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AjD7nKiUQ4

I’m Giving Up On You

The last heartbeats of this awful year slow; I can’t wait for it to finally die. I can’t allow myself to think of all the things—the people– I have to leave behind in order to gain sanity and start from the beginning again.

I believe in love and resurrection and rebirth of good things out of something that’s turned to spoil. However, this year I had to make the painful decision and realize that some things will never change. Some people will never rise to the occasion, the potential, the expectation—some people will sacrifice you for them every.single.time. You can never force others to do what’s right, you can only close the door and swear to yourself it will never be opened again.

I give up on you 2013. I no longer trust and believe in you. I know that you have no words to defend yourself; and that you choose to watch things unfold and to let the chips fall where they may. I know that you chose to sit idly by while children were tortured, cities were ruined, lives were ended. I know to you it means nothing, and as you come to an end you won’t right any of your wrongs or clarify any of your mistakes. I know that you have nothing to say of the destruction you’ve left in your wake.

I leave you behind 2013, and begin a new year gaining strength by picking up the pieces you left scattered, frozen by your coldness and shattered by your indifference.

Unreliable, incorrigible, inconsistent, malevolent, and worst of all: silent. While waiting for you to say something I gave up on you…

(Video from:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iC8tP9Oo52Y)

Ready for Love/ Love Interruption

While on hiatus from casual sex I kind of accidentally took a break from dating as well. It’s a shame that in today’s society the two are often one and the same; in my world they are not. I have to force myself to date and HAVE to be around the opposite sex because my mojo is the first to go and I slip back into random awkwardness suddenly and memorably. I ran into the “main dude” I ambiguously dated (or whatever you would call it) and found myself nervous while talking to him. Shakiness, sweaty palms—the whole bit. What THE hell?! The same with this pretty young man with gorgeous long hair I met recently at a party—I had trouble being present and I found myself zoning out and/or saying random things.

I am a grown ass woman, like, kill me now! I can’t let this be my life at 29. I have got to grab hold of this and control it—I cannot go around fearing men and my interactions with them. I already have two children, I don’t want to have to invest in cats as well! I go back and forth between sorrow and shame when it comes to the courting process. If a man looks at me a montage of bullshit runs through my mind and immediately do not want to be bothered with the trouble of being approached by someone who is just going to fuck me over in a couple of weeks. I even find myself getting angry sometimes like, “OMG, of all the chicks on this metro train you’re looking at ME? I still have on old make up I haven’t refreshed since 7am this morning!!! Do better for yourself!”

The bottom line is I’m scared shitless waiting for the other shoe to drop. Someone please sweep into my life, wine me, dine me, make me adore you—then shoot me in the face flip me over and stab me in the back. Clearly, I’m ready to fall in love…

Video from: http://www.youtube.com/user/JackWhiteVEVO?feature=watch

I Can’t Stop

I climbed the steep escalator stairs at my metro stop today, instead of lazily leaning against the rail relying on its movement to propel me forward. I desperately wanted to take a break– I felt like I deserved one! But I can’t stop. I can’t break, I can’t stop writing these posts and getting these things off my brain and chest. I can’t stop functioning as a human and allowing my mind to zone out into oblivion.

I stood on the metro tracks today and my thoughts, only very briefly, visited the thought of jumping onto the tracks. I’m no psychiatrist but I’m sure this is regression. I have to wake the fuck up! Fast forwarding into the New Year I know I’m going to lose a lot, friends and habits alike. I’m growing and I’m changing and I realize I have to take more of a solid stand on the things that are most important to me. I can’t stop and I can’t lose focus which is easy to do during this time of year. The last few weeks have been a doozy and I realize that I’m tired of letting the moods and thoughts of others tear me down. And I’m tired of writing about how tired I am of being tired of letting others affect my mood. This shit is boring, I’m bored and complacent and lazy and depressed—something new has to happen. I have to start living life, or I’m just a waste of space.

I was hanging out with my brother and his friends in my pajamas on a Friday night. There was a lull in the conversation and I was asked, “Why are you home? Why aren’t you out on a date or something?” Of course all my blog readers know the answer: dating sucks, men suck so I’m taking a hiatus. Still, that doesn’t quite answer the question as to why I was IN MY PAJAMAS ON A FRIDAY NIGHT! The real answer is: I’m lazy. I’ve been waiting around for dudes to act right, for money to fall into place and for life to get overall awesome. At one point I was trying but I STOPPED, and stopping is a luxury I cannot afford. I’m not allowing myself a hiatus or a break. It is in those moments of pause where I am most susceptible to getting stuck. I can’t stop writing, or thinking, or trying. Like this morning on the escalator, I couldn’t stop moving. I found the energy within myself to propel me forward and once I got my sluggish ass going I couldn’t stop. I need to mimic that in my lifestyle and not allow myself to continue to fall into these emotional ruts.

I cannot fucking stop!

Video from: http://www.youtube.com/user/robTorturewright

Embrace the Crazy: Behind the Scenes Photo Shoot

So, I had put off this photo shoot for a few weeks because at the time it was supposed to happen I just didn’t have the energy to go through with it. I just was not mentally there. So, fast-forward to the morning of November 17 and I am feeling really self-conscious and nervous about the shoot so naturally I ate a piece of cake for breakfast to boost my self-esteem and calm my nerves. I was in line at the CVS buying the thickest pair of false eyelashes I could find and suddenly aware that I was about to be half naked in front of two of my closest friends. Was there any way out of this?! Whose idea was this, anyway? …oh, wait that ‘s right, it was my idea.

I am happy to report that I not only survived, but my friends Angela and Justin survived. I wanted to show the Behind the Scenes stuff just to sort of give more background AND to show that I am fully aware that I am not a model. I was far far and away from my level of comfort.

Why the Straight Jacket, You Insensitive Bitch?

I feel like I’ve clarified the purpose of this blog enough that I don’t want to go overboard with it. Everything I write about is internal, it’s about me and it has nothing to do anyone and their personal experience but if you can’t get with it—that’s cool. The jacket is a serious piece, it represents how stifled and censored I feel when I am attempting to live up to the standards of others. The concept of a straight jacket was fascinating to me—it’s purpose to detain and constrain and the positioning of the arms hugging yourself. I appreciated the symbolism of feeling confined by the standards of most people and looking inward to find the strength to break free of their expectations and marching to the beat of your own drum.

If you want one they’re like $30 on Amazon.

Where are my pants?

In my bag somewhere—in order to just dive into things I shed them immediately when we got there. It was nerve racking and took me so far out of my comfort zone I almost called it off. However, when I am compelled to do something I am driven and I can’t stop or let it go—and that’s why I have so much trouble in dating and life in general—but I digress. I feel it was important for me to be as exposed as possible because that’s what the blog is all about. After harboring so many secrets about my well-being and hiding who I truly was from the world I developed a deep fear of exposure so I’m always trying to push myself to be open and to accept myself as I am because I’m fully aware that most won’t. Kind of a “be kind to yourself because no one else gives a shit” thing, or however that saying goes. Furthermore, it’s been no secret my struggles with my weight. I am the largest I’ve ever been and I continue to be so hard on myself because of it. Embrace the crazy… embrace the fatty, this is me pure and unadulterated (besides a face full of makeup!)

Photoshoot? You are definitely no model…

Exactly.

How do you feel now?

Incredibly silly. This isn’t my thing, I just wanted to try it for once if not only for the fact that I’m a woman and want to feel pretty sometimes, dammit! Promo is a necessary evil—and I started off doing the blog just for me because I have to write to maintain my sanity, but now I’m interested in pushing things further and seeing how far it can go. I’m only 6 months in but I do wish to establish a brand that I can feel good about—because of the subject matter, that brand is ME. Only now I will have a drawer full of about 20 shots of me in a straight jacket struggling not to look goofy and cross-eyed in front of the camera. But as I continue to challenge myself by doing random things that put me out there, I learn more about who I am and I have become more comfortable in my skin.

Anything else?

I really and truly thought that straight jacket was going to be so much longer! :-/ I’m showing a lot of leg!

Just for Laughs…

One of my tags for the YouTube video is “BBW” and to me, this is the funniest thing on Earth 😉

Stay tuned for the official post to celebrate my 6 month “blogoversary” and the final reveal of the photos!

Thanks for Reading,
Your Homie

Why Don’t You Love Me

I usually make it a point to hate on Beyonce, for no other reason than the fact that it’s so unfair that she’s so freakin beautiful and talented. Life is just so awesome for pretty chicks, right? Maybe not so much. Watching her flawless face crying prettily and lamenting “Why don’t you love me?” endeared me to her and made me realize that we are not that different from each other.

What she expressed in this song is a sentiment that can bring even the hottest of bitches to their knees. Everyday I hear beautiful women talk of loneliness and sharing messages of longing on social media trying to satiate some need of being wanted. It’s not unheard of to seek out the validation and approval of others, and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s a message; a generic message to reach just the one. The one who snuck underneath your skin and permanently resides in the fold beneath your heart. The one that makes your pulse rate quicken in reaction to an innocent thought, and the one you dare to dream about although you know that life is not made of fairytales and it will only ever be a fantasy. You look in the mirror and your eyes aren’t as bright as before, your smile no longer alluring, your body no longer shapely. People may look at you in desire and envy while you’re out and about, but you know in your heart that you’re ugly, because that one person can’t see just how beautiful you are.

There’s nothing not to love about me… I’m lovely.

(Video Courtesy of BeyonceVEVO)